need feedback on new story

[NOTkaosin21]

I was thinking about working on a new story. I need feedback or some ideas that would help. Criticism is welcomed.

A Speedrunner’s Guide to a Perfect Ending - 1 | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 84247]

It's kinda meh for me. I know it's supposed to be a comedy, but the concept seems a bit boring. Things are repeatedly described as generic, and even the generic game has a generic title.

The comedy style seems like "I'm so random!" It's a comedy style that's not really for me.

Granted it's only a first chapter, so it could get better, but I can only give feedback on what I'm given.

I would probably change from generic fantasy world. Like imagine if these 3 stooges are not "generic thugs" but rather they're spider people who are trying to rob the mc of his life force. I don't know when I read something and the author keeps saying things are generic, it makes me think there is no passion involved.

 

[NOTkaosin21]

It's kinda meh for me. I know it's supposed to be a comedy, but the concept seems a bit boring. Things are repeatedly described as generic, and even the generic game has a generic title.

The comedy style seems like "I'm so random!" It's a comedy style that's not really for me.

Granted it's only a first chapter, so it could get better, but I can only give feedback on what I'm given.

I would probably change from generic fantasy world. Like imagine if these 3 stooges are not "generic thugs" but rather they're spider people who are trying to rob the mc of his life force. I don't know when I read something and the author keeps saying things are generic, it makes me think there is no passion involved.

Thanks! I'll try to keep that in mind.

 

[DismaiNaim]

I couldn't make it past the first paragraph.

Another keyboard met its demise as it smashed against the white, plain wall. The keys clattered to the wood-tiled floor as a new dent was left in the drywall

I know they tell you "use five senses" and "add details" but you can't add stuff at the expense of pacing, and the wall being white and plain drags the sentence. It feels stapled on rather than being a natural part of the narrative. As a rule, if you read it out loud without those words in it and it sounds better, take them out.

Details like that are great for dramatic pause.

 

[StoneInky]

First impression? I like the title and synopsis. The synopsis is short and to the point, but it kinda fits the style of the 'speedrun' mentioned, so I can tell the narrative tone you're going for. I personally don't like in-game or system novels, but this novel doesn't look too bad.

And the first chapter was indeed generic, but I wouldn't hold it against you; sometimes your beautiful story has a generic start, and it can't be helped. I might trim it down so it doesn't feel boring, though. And the later part has the opposite problem; if your novel is going to focus on the game, I would like more detail about said game. Naturally.

The comedy was nice. I like how you don't overuse names. Gangster 1, 2, and 3 is perfect.

Since you only wrote one chapter, that's all I have to review for now. Good luck, lol.

 

[7ydy]

i like the *concept* of someone speedrunning through life for "the perfect ending," but that's not what the story delivers.

if the idea is that the narrator is transported into the game, that the game is real life now, those gangsters have to be living, breathing people. otherwise it's just another gamer. why are 3 adult men beating up an orphan? are they italian gangsters in suits, cuz that's what i pictured. give us narration from inside one of these guys heads, make hin a real person who, through a series of logical steps, arrives at "i need to beat the shit out of this
orphan." let us be inside the guys head gets stabbed with something. don't say "out of nowhere," describe it like a magician's trick.

 

[DeepWater]

I stopped reading at "FUCK!"