Need feedback on my revised chapter 1.

[c37]

I have revised my 3 chapters with the feedbacks i got. Mainly about the sentence structure and how each sentence was carried on to a new line.
Apart from that I've went through my 3 chapters again and realized the fiends in it were behaving like human with horns and tails. So I've added few things to define the characteristics of a fiend.
I've also reduced using dialogue tags as few readers suggested and revised conversations between characters. You don't need to go through the 3 chapters, It would be enough if you reviewed the chapter 1(not prologue). If you decide to stop in between its totally fine, i would appreciate if you mentioned what made you stop.
Here is my book.

 

[Eldoria]

You don't need to go through the 3 chapters, It would be enough if you reviewed the chapter 1(not prologue). If you decide to stop in between its totally fine, i would appreciate if you mentioned what made you stop.

Well, there are many things I want to convey, but I only choose to focus on one thing, "narrative technique." Consider the following excerpt:

A corrupted draconic berserker descended into the arena. His horns were twisted grotesquely by corruption, his reptilian skin flushed crimson, and his eyes burned a molten orange. Yet his face remained unnaturally beautiful, sharp and sculpted in a way that drew both men and women to stare. A long tail hung behind him, ending in a serrated pincer that swayed lazily in the air. He was clad in jade armor that appeared fragile as glass—yet not a single crack marred its surface. The crowd fell into stunned awe. Torches around the arena fluttered as the berserker's wings flapped. Dagon landed on the sand with his wings creating dust, and walked to his quarters.

What's wrong? In your perception as the author... you can imagine the scene of this monster's appearance. But for me, a "causal reader" with a short attention span who happened to pass by and read it once without repeating... I have a hard time imagining this monster. Why?

Because your narrative is "statically descriptive." Causal readers who read this narrative will process this information quite hard by rendering the monster's description one by one like slowly painting a face.

And honestly... for causal readers, it's a heavy job. They tend to get bored and find this narrative too long-winded.

Furthermore, static descriptive narratives slow down the pacing. When you narrate a monster in a static descriptive manner, time in the story seems to stop just to build a mental image of the monster.

I noticed this descriptive narrative was written not just once but repeatedly in the arena scene, making the pacing slow. The solution?

Use cinematic action narratives. Narrate the action scene first as the trigger, then the description as the consequence/reaction/effect. This way, the reader's perception becomes lighter, and they won't experience overload just processing the character description.

Please read this thread for a concrete example of its application.

 

[c37]

Well, there are many things I want to convey, but I only choose to focus on one thing, "narrative technique." Consider the following excerpt:



What's wrong? In your perception as the author... you can imagine the scene of this monster's appearance. But for me, a "causal reader" with a short attention span who happened to pass by and read it once without repeating... I have a hard time imagining this monster. Why?

Because your narrative is "statically descriptive." Causal readers who read this narrative will process this information quite hard by rendering the monster's description one by one like slowly painting a face.

And honestly... for causal readers, it's a heavy job. They tend to get bored and find this narrative too long-winded.

Furthermore, static descriptive narratives slow down the pacing. When you narrate a monster in a static descriptive manner, time in the story seems to stop just to build a mental image of the monster.

I noticed this descriptive narrative was written not just once but repeatedly in the arena scene, making the pacing slow. The solution?

Use cinematic action narratives. Narrate the action scene first as the trigger, then the description as the consequence/reaction/effect. This way, the reader's perception becomes lighter, and they won't experience overload just processing the character description.

Please read this thread for a concrete example of its application.

So i should explain the appearance through actions, is that right? Like action -> effect, action -> effect. What did you feel about the other stuff? you don't need to go in detail just one or two lines would be enough.

 

[Eldoria]

So i should explain the appearance through actions, is that right? Like action -> effect, action -> effect. What did you feel about the other stuff? you don't need to go in detail just one or two lines would be enough.

Yes, more or less like that. Insert descriptions within the actions. But don't overdo it; just include one or two character traits per action. Please read my thread for an example.

 

[Fairemont]

I agree with most of what @Eldoria has to say.

You can cut that description down quite a bit. For example:

A draconic berserker, whose once-impressive horns and reptilian skin were twisted by corruption, descended upon the arena. As the dust cleared, his polished jade armor glimmered in stark contrast to the warped form within.

And then you can append another sentence on afterwards to add some characterization, like so:

He stood tall and furled his wings with an impressive, attention-grabbing snap. Once he was certain all eyes were upon him, Dagon's lips curled into an arrogant smirk and he drank up the crowds hushed awe. He gave them a few moments to bask in his greatness before turning his nose up at them and strode off towards his quarters.

So, a briefer description with something like this appended on adds the important characterization elements, aka, what his personality is like. Whether or not I have it correct is immaterial, as it is merely an example.

 

[c37]

I agree with most of what @Eldoria has to say.

You can cut that description down quite a bit. For example:

A draconic berserker, whose once-impressive horns and reptilian skin were twisted by corruption, descended upon the arena. As the dust cleared, his polished jade armor glimmered in stark contrast to the warped form within.

And then you can append another sentence on afterwards to add some characterization, like so:

He stood tall and furled his wings with an impressive, attention-grabbing snap. Once he was certain all eyes were upon him, Dagon's lips curled into an arrogant smirk and he drank up the crowds hushed awe. He gave them a few moments to bask in his greatness before turning his nose up at them and strode off towards his quarters.

So, a briefer description with something like this appended on adds the important characterization elements, aka, what his personality is like. Whether or not I have it correct is immaterial, as it is merely an example.

Immaterial? it perfectly summarizes what i wanted to convey! Damn you are good at this.

 

[Fairemont]

I've been doing this forever, so I have a lot of practice.

Don't copy that word-for-word, though. The second paragraph I wrote is kinda meh.

 

[c37]

I've been doing this forever, so I have a lot of practice.

Don't copy that word-for-word, though. The second paragraph I wrote is kinda meh.

I think you are underestimating yourself. You don't know how good it sounds, I can see my book being infinitely better than what it is currently after reading your version.

 

[Fairemont]

Well, if that is the case, then make good use of Eldoria's advice and my example to refine your writing and bring forth the improvement yourself.

The thread Eldoria linked might also provide some good insight if you sift through it.

 

[c37]

@Eldoria @Fairemont Thank you for spending your time on my work ?.

 

[Fairemont]

I sort of skimmed the first chapter originally and wasn't certain if I wanted to leave any feedback or not, but I do think the biggest thing holding you back at this time is the organization and presentation of information and details.

It's a bit out of balance.

Pretty much every author I've mentored, tutored, edited, and anything else in-between, has been the same way. I do the same thing! We like to write what we feel is relevant to the story, or what pops into our head at the time. It feels important, but it isn't important yet. Likewise, some information is more important than others, and needs to go first.

You're in that spot where your story hasn't been reorganized into its "final form" so to speak.

 

[c37]

I sort of skimmed the first chapter originally and wasn't certain if I wanted to leave any feedback or not, but I do think the biggest thing holding you back at this time is the organization and presentation of information and details.

It's a bit out of balance.

Pretty much every author I've mentored, tutored, edited, and anything else in-between, has been the same way. I do the same thing! We like to write what we feel is relevant to the story, or what pops into our head at the time. It feels important, but it isn't important yet. Likewise, some information is more important than others, and needs to go first.

You're in that spot where your story hasn't been reorganized into its "final form" so to speak.

So apart from the Heavy info dump using static description is there anything which i should focus on? or edit completely?

 

[Fairemont]

So apart from the Heavy info dump using static description is there anything which i should focus on? or edit completely?

If you have the ability to do so, print it out. If not, slap it into word, google docs, or anything else with a highlighter feature, and then start reading from the top.

Highlight anything that isn't immediately critical to the story. For example, if you think your reader can get by without that information, highlight it. If you think they need that information, but can probably wait a bit before you give it to them, then highlight it.

Then, assess what information you can rearrange within what you already wrote and try to find the best place for it. Anything that doesn't have a place in what you wrote, but still feels like a reader is going to need it at some point can get cut-and-pasted to the end of the document so you can save it for later.

If you highlight descriptive elements rather than lore-type content, try to figure out what information from that highlighted material is more relevant right then, and then maybe spread it out a little bit more.

The previously discussed segment, for example, has things like Dagon's tail. That can easily be added in anywhere after his initial appearance, such as "[Dialogue]" he said with a flick of his pincer-tipped tail.

I am a big fan of adding little appearance bits into dialogue tags. It has a more seamless feel and generally acts like a governor on a car's accelerator. You can't over add on dialogue tags without going too far really quickly, so its a great way to practice.

Anyway, this is how I'd begin working on refining your own organizational skills. The first part of that skill is to identify which things you write are where they belong.

 

[c37]

If you have the ability to do so, print it out. If not, slap it into word, google docs, or anything else with a highlighter feature, and then start reading from the top.

Highlight anything that isn't immediately critical to the story. For example, if you think your reader can get by without that information, highlight it. If you think they need that information, but can probably wait a bit before you give it to them, then highlight it.

Then, assess what information you can rearrange within what you already wrote and try to find the best place for it. Anything that doesn't have a place in what you wrote, but still feels like a reader is going to need it at some point can get cut-and-pasted to the end of the document so you can save it for later.

If you highlight descriptive elements rather than lore-type content, try to figure out what information from that highlighted material is more relevant right then, and then maybe spread it out a little bit more.

The previously discussed segment, for example, has things like Dagon's tail. That can easily be added in anywhere after his initial appearance, such as "[Dialogue]" he said with a flick of his pincer-tipped tail.

I am a big fan of adding little appearance bits into dialogue tags. It has a more seamless feel and generally acts like a governor on a car's accelerator. You can't over add on dialogue tags without going too far really quickly, so its a great way to practice.

Anyway, this is how I'd begin working on refining your own organizational skills. The first part of that skill is to identify which things you write are where they belong.

Thank you, I'll try to implement it. For now I'll revise my chapter 1 again.