Need feedback on my fantasy novel

[Niro972]

Would appreciate your thoughts!

Stones of the Cipher

Since dawn of time, mankind tirelessly sought to harness the colossal power of nature for its benefit. Only after millennials of toil did humanity finally unlock the enigmatic nature of light, embedding it within minerals and crystals. These became instruments for channeling an energy of immense...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[C_A_D_M_U_S]

1. Book Cover - I'm not gonna comment much about this since I read the disclaimer in the synopsis, but in my opinion, it would still be better to have the book title on the cover.
2. Synopsis - Short and concise. But, for me, it's not that impactful.
3. Writing - I actually saw and read your other book first. And I noticed that your writing style tends to be a bit....poetic(?) Like it has this poetic kind of vibe (sorry I can't think of a better word to use). Anyway, I don't really mind it but some tend to not like that kind of writing style. But hey, you're the creator here so to hell with their tastes XD

• Run-on sentences - I noticed some like:

Spoiler: Run-ons

With that, he withdrew, leaving Rhodon and Ameth to engage in a private conversation, their voices filling the space as they exchanged thoughts in solitude.

Please do consider splitting this into 2 independent clauses or you can also use em dashes or parentheses when you want to add a thought that's not really needed to comprehend a sentence.

• Section breaks

Spoiler: Section breaks

You inserted 2 section breaks in the first chapter but they're not really necessary since the scene didn't really change. The scene went like this: a character arrived > (section break) > went inside the castle > met an acquaintance> (section break) > walked side by side and talked. Adding section breaks only disrupted the flow.

A section break is normally only used to signal various changes in a story. This includes changes in time, location, point-of-view character, emotion, and pace.

• Dialogues

Spoiler: Dialogues

This is more of a nitpick but the dialogues feel more like a narration rather than a dialogue. I mean, it's probably because it's in a medieval setting so the dialogues are more...old-ish(?) And I don't know, maybe you're going for that vibe but....it's a bit off-putting (just my opinion). This is the main reason why despite the interesting premise, I struggled to keep engrossed in reading. Then again, this is just my personal preference.

For ex:

"Soldiers from the royal army were there, their usual confidence replaced by a frenzied urgency. Saying deranged things,"

4. Colors - I like the usage of colors as "symbols" of their Houses. Not unique I admit, but interesting nonetheless. Although, there were too many times that you used the word "red" especially at the beginning of the story. Please consider using synonyms.

5. Descriptions - There's a lack of descriptions—physical features of characters and setting/surroundings.

6. Plot - I find it interesting. It's common yes, but hey, a cliché can either turn into a gem or not depending on how the author plays it out. I like medieval-action stories (fantasy or not), as long as the battles are well-portrayed. There's still not much going on since there are only 2 chapters, but I do hope you include strategies (I saw strategic battles in the tags) and make those strategies a major factor in winning the battles cause there are already a bunch of stories that are full of protagonists bulldozing their way through the supposedly stronger enemies yet the protagonists still defeat the enemies with a power boost out of nowhere since....you know, plot armor smh

Anyway, keep up the good work! ??

 

[Deleted member 113259]

Your summary tells a lot of what one could find in the story but still sounds generic.

Conflict in the country.
2 bros want to save a damsel in distress from unknown bad guys.
This world uses machines as weaponry.
Mysterious warrior.
Politics.

Why should a reader read your story specifically?
Build on the main character's reaction to the threats around him to give the piece a sense of identity, and also write a little more about the mysterious warrior as that was the most intriguing part of the summary.

 

[Niro972]

1. Book Cover - I'm not gonna comment much about this since I read the disclaimer in the synopsis, but in my opinion, it would still be better to have the book title on the cover.
2. Synopsis - Short and concise. But, for me, it's not that impactful.
3. Writing - I actually saw and read your other book first. And I noticed that your writing style tends to be a bit....poetic(?) Like it has this poetic kind of vibe (sorry I can't think of a better word to use). Anyway, I don't really mind it but some tend to not like that kind of writing style. But hey, you're the creator here so to hell with their tastes XD

• Run-on sentences - I noticed some like:

Spoiler: Run-ons

Please do consider splitting this into 2 independent clauses or you can also use em dashes or parentheses when you want to add a thought that's not really needed to comprehend a sentence.

• Section breaks

Spoiler: Section breaks

You inserted 2 section breaks in the first chapter but they're not really necessary since the scene didn't really change. The scene went like this: a character arrived > (section break) > went inside the castle > met an acquaintance> (section break) > walked side by side and talked. Adding section breaks only disrupted the flow.

A section break is normally only used to signal various changes in a story. This includes changes in time, location, point-of-view character, emotion, and pace.

• Dialogues

Spoiler: Dialogues

This is more of a nitpick but the dialogues feel more like a narration rather than a dialogue. I mean, it's probably because it's in a medieval setting so the dialogues are more...old-ish(?) And I don't know, maybe you're going for that vibe but....it's a bit off-putting (just my opinion). This is the main reason why despite the interesting premise, I struggled to keep engrossed in reading. Then again, this is just my personal preference.

For ex:

4. Colors - I like the usage of colors as "symbols" of their Houses. Not unique I admit, but interesting nonetheless. Although, there were too many times that you used the word "red" especially at the beginning of the story. Please consider using synonyms.

5. Descriptions - There's a lack of descriptions—physical features of characters and setting/surroundings.

6. Plot - I find it interesting. It's common yes, but hey, a cliché can either turn into a gem or not depending on how the author plays it out. I like medieval-action stories (fantasy or not), as long as the battles are well-portrayed. There's still not much going on since there are only 2 chapters, but I do hope you include strategies (I saw strategic battles in the tags) and make those strategies a major factor in winning the battles cause there are already a bunch of stories that are full of protagonists bulldozing their way through the supposedly stronger enemies yet the protagonists still defeat the enemies with a power boost out of nowhere since....you know, plot armor smh

Anyway, keep up the good work! ??

Thank you for your time! I've taken some notes from you and other peers and have already begun applying some changes.

As for the second story you mentioned, I would appreciate your opinion on that too, if you don't mind:

House of Fun

Determined to rescue a little girl found in a dungeon, three High School baseball teammates unite against a devilish force, engaging in a real-life, modern version of Dungeons & Dragons. To protect her from the sights of horrors that might lay ahead, they decide to carry her blindfolded...

www.scribblehub.com

Your summary tells a lot of what one could find in the story but still sounds generic.

Conflict in the country.
2 bros want to save a damsel in distress from unknown bad guys.
This world uses machines as weaponry.
Mysterious warrior.
Politics.

Why should a reader read your story specifically?
Build on the main character's reaction to the threats around him to give the piece a sense of identity, and also write a little more about the mysterious warrior as that was the most intriguing part of the summary.

Thank you! I would like you to know that your post had a great impact on me and led me to reconsider the way I write my synopsis.

If it's not too much trouble, could you also take a look at my other work?

House of Fun

Determined to rescue a little girl found in a dungeon, three High School baseball teammates unite against a devilish force, engaging in a real-life, modern version of Dungeons & Dragons. To protect her from the sights of horrors that might lay ahead, they decide to carry her blindfolded...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[C_A_D_M_U_S]

1. Book Cover - I got curious about your novel because your book cover reminded me of Lil' Slugger from Paranoia Agent. I like it Same comment with your other book, please consider adding the book title.

2. Synopsis -

Spoiler: Comments about the Writing

• Bolded - letter must be in lower case
• Run-on sentences - Please consider splitting them into 2 or more independent clauses.
• "their" should be "the" -> Along the way
• super powers must be -> superpowers (without the space)
• "colorful characters" - "colorful" is not really the proper adjective you should use here unless those characters are literally colorful. Please do consider revising.
• "superpowers that come to their aid" - This feels weird to read cause superpowers are intangible. It feels like the superpowers are the ones coming to help, when in fact it should be people or other living entities.

Determined to rescue a little girl found in a dungeon, three High School baseball teammates unite against a devilish force, engaging in a real-life, modern version of Dungeons & Dragons. To protect her from the sights of horrors that might lay ahead, they decide to carry her blindfolded, accidentally activating a hidden ability. Along their way, they meet colorful characters and super powers that come to their aid.

Strategic gameplay - using each player’s unique set of shields, weapons and skills to walk it through, will they all make it?

Spoiler: Feedback on the Synopsis

Determined to rescue a little girl found in a dungeon, three High School baseball teammates unite against a devilish force, engaging in a real-life, modern version of Dungeons & Dragons. To protect her from the sights of horrors that might lay ahead, they decide to carry her blindfolded, accidentally activating a hidden ability. Along their way, they meet colorful characters and super powers that come to their aid.

Strategic gameplay - using each player’s unique set of shields, weapons and skills to walk it through, will they all make it?

• devilish force - I feel like you can use a more intriguing term than this cause it's too generic. If you have an actual term for that devilish force that you'll be using in the story, I recommend including it in the synopsis. The reason for this is that rather than a generic term, as a reader, I'd be more curious if I spotted an unfamiliar or unique word/term.
• hidden ability - same comment with "devilish force." I know it's "hidden" so it's supposed to be a mystery but then again, "hidden ability" is too generic.
• "Strategic gameplay - using each player’s unique set of shields, weapons and skills to walk it through, will they all make it?" - I feel like adding "strategic gameplay" ruined the suspense. Or maybe it's just a matter of reconstructing/reorganizing your sentence.

3. Story -

Spoiler: Comments about the Writing

• Run-on sentences - I noticed quite a lot of run-ons like:

Visitors, lured by the challenge and the chance to witness the clown's downfall, took turns stepping up to the designated line, clutching the balls in their hands.

Same comment with my previous feedback on your other story. Please consider splitting this into 2 independent clauses. You can also use em dashes or parentheses when you want to add a thought that's not really needed to understand a sentence.

• Paragraphing - I noticed that you tend to combine 2 characters' perspectives in a single paragraph like this one for example:

Next in line was a young Marine Corps soldier on vacation, accompanied by his wife. The soldier, known for his bravery and unwavering determination, took a step forward with a determined expression. The clown eyed him, sensing an opportunity to challenge someone of valor. "Ah, a tough soldier! Let's see if you can handle the pressure, hero!" the clown sneered.

The clown eyed him, sensing an opportunity to challenge someone of valor.
"Ah, a tough soldier! Let's see if you can handle the pressure, hero!" the clown sneered.

^ These should be in the next paragraphs. The reason for this is, well, for better comprehension and flow cause the purpose of paragraphing is to signal shifts in thinking. This same problem continued in chapter 2 and 3 (though there's less in chapter 3).

Emboldened by his earlier victories, the clown reveled in his self-proclaimed superiority, unleashing a primal howl toward the moonlit sky. His voice took on a sinister timbre, dripping with malice and sending shivers down the spines of the surrounding spectators. "Is there no man who can vanquish me? Am I truly invincible?!" he jeered, his taunting voice echoing through the night. "I dare any brave soul to step forth and test their mettle against my might!". The atmosphere grew heavy with an ominous presence, as if the very darkness itself held its breath in anticipation of the clown's malevolent deeds.

^ As for this one, I highly recommend putting this -> "Is there no man who can vanquish me? Am I truly invincible?!" he jeered, his taunting voice echoing through the night. "I dare any brave soul to step forth and test their mettle against my might!" in the next paragraph.

Then put this -> The atmosphere grew heavy with an ominous presence, as if the very darkness itself held its breath in anticipation of the clown's malevolent deeds. in the next paragraph.

Why? Because you should give the readers a rest/break. If a lot of stuff (action & dialogues) is bundled in one whole paragraph, then it could be overwhelming.

Btw, please remove the period at the end of this -> "I dare any brave soul to step forth and test their mettle against my might!".

• Other stuff/typos:

Chapter 1:

A nervous tremor in his voice, he muttered, "Uh oh, what do we have here? A baseball enthusiast, huh? Think you can outsmart me, kid?"

With a nervous tremor in his voice, he muttered, "Uh oh, what do we have here? A baseball enthusiast, huh? Think you can outsmart me, kid?

Chapter 2:

While he stood there, lost in thoughts, Michael and Ethan moved ahead towards the entrance door.

While he stood there, lost in thought, Michael and Ethan moved ahead towards the entrance door. -> (lost in thought without the "s")

Spoiler: Feedback on the Story

Honestly, the first paragraph in Chapter 1 is actually pretty good. Like, it could be combined with your existing synopsis, especially this part:

In the deepening twilight, the old attractions stood as gateways to a realm of both wonder and terror, where the line between reality and the supernatural blurred. It was within this realm that our unsuspecting heroes would soon be thrust into a chilling adventure that would test the limits of their courage and resilience.

• Mood setting - Really great Like I said, your writing style is kinda poetic-ish, which benefited you cause it highlighted the sinister feel of the clown more in the first part of chapter 1. Plus, you portrayed the "rude clown" really well—not only his rudeness but also his creepiness.
• Suspense - I guess this is almost synonymous with mood setting, but I kept this separated because I just want to say, you're nailing it ?You balance the suspense and mystery well. Plus, your writing style adds to the suspenseful vibe.
• Expression of emotions - You overused this kind of expression in Chapter 1:

The clown's eyes widened with a mix of surprise and worry
his wide eyes filled with both fascination and fear
her eyes wide with a mix of fear and relief
her eyes filled with understanding
Lily's eyes widened with a glimmer of excitement
a mischievous glint in its eyes
the eyes held a hint of malice
a determined glint in his eyes

It's fine if it's only used once or twice. Or maybe even three times max, but a lot? Nope. Don't just focus on the eyes. You can express the emotions and mood of a character through his/her facial expression, tone of voice, or body language.

It got better in Chapter 2 & 3 though

• Comedic undertone - "Tastes just like my armpit after Saturday practice!" got me Ok, that's all next.
• Descriptions - There are descriptions of the surroundings and the clown so that's good but there's a lack of descriptions of the 3 main characters.

Anyway, I like this book so I added it to my reading list. Looking forward to your next update ?