Need feedback – Queer noir slow-burn romance

[Meowfic]

Hey,


I’m looking for feedback on a queer slow-burn noir story I’ve been working on. It’s got war-era vibes, some mystery, and a lot of emotional tension between two guys with very different pasts.
Would love thoughts on pacing, flow, and whether the dialogue feels natural.

Read chapter 1 here:

Babysitting the Virgin Saint - CHAPTER 1 | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SeaJay]

It's a cool story and definitely looks better than others that I see around here. About the parts you asked about:
Pacing and flow feel inconsistent and strange to me.
The dialogue by itself feels natural but is framed unnaturally (structure).
And I guess that's it.

 

[Meowfic]

Thanks a lot for the feedback! Appreciate you reading it.

It's a cool story and definitely looks better than others that I see around here. About the parts you asked about:
Pacing and flow feel inconsistent and strange to me.
The dialogue by itself feels natural but is framed unnaturally (structure).
And I guess that's it.