Satan03
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Need a feedback on story
- Thread starter Satan03
- Start date
Tsuru
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(Warning i am a harsh person, and just neutrality give oppinion, and its mostly the cover/summary/details, because its 50% of the success of a series)
1) Not to say the forum is full of genZ (in fact its the contrary) but pretty sure help will be harder if you dont AT LEAST write your summary in the thread and not just simply "copy paste" your link
2) ......Go check some chinese or JP or KR novels and their summary
Because this style of "being mysterious" and not telling anything is outdated.....Very outdated.
Unless you go to royalroad and going serious style of writing.
But in your case, if you did go there, the effort for the summary isnt enough (far not enough sentences to wet appetite)
For SH this size of summary is good though.
3) Not enough info.
Its like any movie. "WHY THE F do i need to care ? for him/her"
To be honest, just from a glimpse, it feels very amateurish but somehow attractive too.
The "good kind" (innocent vibes, just starting, not trolling nor fetish heavy)
The "enduring cute" kind that people want to support
At least spoil a little about what is revenge about.
God ? And?
Anything particular about him?
Does he do magic ?
How big is his family ?
Do he do loop and despair ? Did he do loop while having fun (evil acts that any modern audience would do if taken his place) ?
What is special about him ?
Why is he a villain ?
Why should i read this villain MC and not the 5389502 villain novels out there.
Also what gave god or something, that allowed MC to get out of the loop ?
Anyway, now its no longer the era where word of mouth work anymore.
Compared to era where there was "Mother of learning" and novels/games/mangas (no manhua/hwa) being severely lacking... Now there are 57350273532508 stuffs available. Heck there are even public websites for downloading games.
Also mother of learning, heck just from title, people would understand its MC's efforts that do the trick to escape the loop.
Also there isnt smut which is a negative point, as most SH readers come to the website for it. This, we cant do anything about it (shrug)
-----------------------------
tldr : Title/summary/cover is the bait, the 3 first chapters is the hook, and quality+chapnumbers is the "feed" that keep fish coming back. In my opinion, at least try to make summary/cover more attractive to "today audience" (gosh this word sounds bad because of being used in gaming industry as a derogative). Good luck.
--------------------------
[Post 2]
Well just for you, and bc your series attract me because of "pure" it feels like. And bc i have free time.
Sound as first word ? Well that is an unconventional way to start. Not my cup of tea.
[Serenely].................................sorry to criticize and no i am not a illiterate person, but this word is poorly chosen (in my opinion). Sure if you wrote a paperbook it would be nice but "Calmly" would fit better, for the audience, the INTERNETkind of audience.
(gosh, it sure is another proof of "starting author" in the list)
Its not that bad but...............ITS indeed bad, in fact a slightly big mistake. ITS just JARRING.
The sentence begin as a description, narrator-like. The MC explaining the environment. So why the heck, mid-way it change suddenly???
To analogy (exagerated) : "Around me the light was dark....The silence was stressing me and my heart was beating very fast. I was not sure if behind the darkness any monster would jump on me............Oh btw did i forgot to turn off the gas?"
This kind of "jarring" uncomfortable feeling.
Deadpool would work the joke. BUT your MC isnt deadpool. WE BARELY DIDNT EVEN KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL yet !
Deadpool also rely on his invincibility to joke at any situation, just like peter have a mindblowing spider-sense intuition = cheat-like, the kind that guess future.
It doesnt fit the first half sentence.
The correct way you could have done this part is :
[a drink in my hand. The problem now is that i already had 5 of them and i feel i am becoming drunk, which is problematic]
unlike [in my hand, I think i drank a little too much]
because it feels like suddenly he speaks/conversation
Especially the words used.......
[uttered]
[potential consequences]
Simple "Yes i know....i regret it already" would look badass without looking cringe
or a "I am ready for the consequences, whatever they are" or something, would work too.
*Sigh*
Anyway i stop reading.....I feel i will find so many more stuff like that......
It wont make me go "i feel my eyes bleeding" like worse stuff i saw, but it sure make me want to facepalm-frown very hard right now.
Its not "THAT BAD" nor irredeemable.
But please, try to write like most fantasy authors.
And not wattpad quality =_="
1) Not to say the forum is full of genZ (in fact its the contrary) but pretty sure help will be harder if you dont AT LEAST write your summary in the thread and not just simply "copy paste" your link
2) ......Go check some chinese or JP or KR novels and their summary
Because this style of "being mysterious" and not telling anything is outdated.....Very outdated.
Unless you go to royalroad and going serious style of writing.
But in your case, if you did go there, the effort for the summary isnt enough (far not enough sentences to wet appetite)
For SH this size of summary is good though.
3) Not enough info.
Its like any movie. "WHY THE F do i need to care ? for him/her"
To be honest, just from a glimpse, it feels very amateurish but somehow attractive too.
The "good kind" (innocent vibes, just starting, not trolling nor fetish heavy)
The "enduring cute" kind that people want to support
At least spoil a little about what is revenge about.
God ? And?
Anything particular about him?
Does he do magic ?
How big is his family ?
Do he do loop and despair ? Did he do loop while having fun (evil acts that any modern audience would do if taken his place) ?
What is special about him ?
Why is he a villain ?
Why should i read this villain MC and not the 5389502 villain novels out there.
Also what gave god or something, that allowed MC to get out of the loop ?
Anyway, now its no longer the era where word of mouth work anymore.
Compared to era where there was "Mother of learning" and novels/games/mangas (no manhua/hwa) being severely lacking... Now there are 57350273532508 stuffs available. Heck there are even public websites for downloading games.
Also mother of learning, heck just from title, people would understand its MC's efforts that do the trick to escape the loop.
Also there isnt smut which is a negative point, as most SH readers come to the website for it. This, we cant do anything about it (shrug)
-----------------------------
tldr : Title/summary/cover is the bait, the 3 first chapters is the hook, and quality+chapnumbers is the "feed" that keep fish coming back. In my opinion, at least try to make summary/cover more attractive to "today audience" (gosh this word sounds bad because of being used in gaming industry as a derogative). Good luck.
--------------------------
[Post 2]
Well just for you, and bc your series attract me because of "pure" it feels like. And bc i have free time.
Sound as first word ? Well that is an unconventional way to start. Not my cup of tea.
[Serenely].................................sorry to criticize and no i am not a illiterate person, but this word is poorly chosen (in my opinion). Sure if you wrote a paperbook it would be nice but "Calmly" would fit better, for the audience, the INTERNETkind of audience.
(gosh, it sure is another proof of "starting author" in the list)
Its not that bad but...............ITS indeed bad, in fact a slightly big mistake. ITS just JARRING.
The sentence begin as a description, narrator-like. The MC explaining the environment. So why the heck, mid-way it change suddenly???
To analogy (exagerated) : "Around me the light was dark....The silence was stressing me and my heart was beating very fast. I was not sure if behind the darkness any monster would jump on me............Oh btw did i forgot to turn off the gas?"
This kind of "jarring" uncomfortable feeling.
Deadpool would work the joke. BUT your MC isnt deadpool. WE BARELY DIDNT EVEN KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL yet !
Deadpool also rely on his invincibility to joke at any situation, just like peter have a mindblowing spider-sense intuition = cheat-like, the kind that guess future.
It doesnt fit the first half sentence.
The correct way you could have done this part is :
[a drink in my hand. The problem now is that i already had 5 of them and i feel i am becoming drunk, which is problematic]
unlike [in my hand, I think i drank a little too much]
because it feels like suddenly he speaks/conversation
.......Too chuuni-like
Especially the words used.......
[uttered]
[potential consequences]
Simple "Yes i know....i regret it already" would look badass without looking cringe
or a "I am ready for the consequences, whatever they are" or something, would work too.
*Sigh*
Anyway i stop reading.....I feel i will find so many more stuff like that......
It wont make me go "i feel my eyes bleeding" like worse stuff i saw, but it sure make me want to facepalm-frown very hard right now.
Its not "THAT BAD" nor irredeemable.
But please, try to write like most fantasy authors.
And not wattpad quality =_="
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