Hey there, after seeing that sad looking reply after one day and twelve minutes from your post, I'm here to bash your face and ego, like literally.
So here's what every fresh starter is going to have this idea:
I write because I think you have ideas, but I write simply because I want to write. So if you don't understand what I write, this means you are the one who has the problem, not me.
First off, writing is a long process. It's not where you simply have this idea, then you turn it to an unreadable book. It takes months and years to learn how to organise a book, like it's structure, and more so if you aren't talented and still wanted to write a story, go ahead. If you don't have the patience to do so, then please leave this place forever and don't bother to ask about feedback.
Do not create a second post and ask for a feedback after a short edit. It's just plain annoying and people would only get disgusted by it.
Let's start with the synopsis-- wait, what? That's a synopsis? Isn't that you just trying to explain and promote story? It's like "you guys don't know how to read so I will explain it for you what this story is all about".
No we readers do not need that. What's the point in reading a story then read the explanation later? It's just a waste of time.
So here are some questions for your synopsis:
1. Main plot? What will I be expecting?
2. What does a smart guy means? Why would I go through the trouble to think about Mark Watney from The Martian?
3. What is your Worldbuilding? What sort of world do you live in? What kind of world is it? A medieval fantasy? A post-apocalyptic society? The setting is important, but the synopsis doesn't give enough context for readers to visualize or understand the stakes of the world.
4. The Princess’s plot is hinted at but not fully developed in the synopsis. We’re told she’s searching for a way to protect her realm, but what exactly is the looming threat? Is it another kingdom, a natural disaster, or an internal rebellion?
5. What to expect??? Be more selective in what you highlight. Instead of listing everything the story will have, focus on one or two key selling points that really define the book. Is it the complex moral dilemmas? The intriguing relationship between the protagonist and the Princess? The world-building and the challenges of surviving without modern amenities? Highlight the elements that best capture the essence of your story.
6. Twist and turn? The mention of “plenty of twists and turns” sounds like a standard marketing trope and doesn’t tell the reader much about what makes these twists unique or engaging. Without knowing what the twists are, the statement feels empty.
7. Chapter update schedule? Just remove it.
Your 1st chapter:
“Hi. My name is Jack. This is the story of how I died and got a second chance to right the wrongs I had committed.”
Feels more like a
summary of the story rather than an immersive, intriguing hook. It directly tells the reader what the story is about instead of drawing them in with mystery or intrigue.
A line like this risks
breaking the fourth wall. It’s like the narrator is talking to the reader, not drawing them into the world. The feeling is a little too casual and self-aware for a story about reincarnation and righting past wrongs, which is usually more serious or at least
mysterious in tone.
The line gives us a lot of information upfront, but not in a way that makes the reader
care yet. We don’t know who Jack is, why his death matters, or why he’s been given a second chance. By saying "right the wrongs I had committed," it hints at a backstory, but without context or emotional weight, it can feel hollow.
Opening lines that promise the "story of how I died" without any grounding can feel more like a synopsis of a plot rather than an opening that makes the reader
want to know more.
“You are dead, child, but do not fear, for reincarnation is real. Usually only the soul reincarnates, devoid of memories, but sometimes, divine providence smiles on someone, and this time, it happens to be you. I see you have some good and some bad in you, nothing extreme, and a crafty mind. You are a 4X strategy game junkie and long to play it in real life, huh? Then this will be like a dream come true for you, if you can survive. Farewell.” The God or whatever he was, flooded my mind with the torrent of words in one go.
Wow, just wow. If we had a god like this then the world is doomed. Anyways, I always find reincarnation stories a joke. If you are just a normal person, what's the point in reincarnating you? I would've resurrected Alexander the Great and make sure he conquers the entire Mediterranean again.
“WAIT, wait, wait! What happened?” I stammered, still confused and disoriented. “You died. You cannot go back to your previous life, but I'm granting you another chance.” “Oh.” I said, trying to regain my composure. “Do I get any super powers?” “You're going to have plenty of advantage in the form of the knowledge you possess.” “So you're sending me to a less developed civilization. What about immunity from diseases? I could end up killing everyone else!” “You won't be 'spawning' in your original body, boy.” “At least give me something!” I pleaded. I didn't have the full picture, but I did recognize a golden opportunity and I wasn't going to let it pass. “Fine. I bless your new body with health and strength. You will be immune to all diseases and poisons, nor will your strength leave you with age. I am granting you a second chance at life, DO NOT WASTE IT.” “I won't! I promise. Also, can I get some of them numbers?” I said sheepishly. It would be nice to have quantifiable metrics. “Numbers?” “Yeah, like HP, MP?” “Real life is not a video game, child. However, if you prove yourself worthy, I might grant you another boon.” Before I could even respond, he made a mental shooing gesture, and I was gone.
So this is what happens when a character died too much. They make fun of death and casually reincarnate just like a parasite leeching on the other world. If I dropped you from a tall tall place, you go with a *splat* and casually reincarnated in another world. This is the feeling I get.
And, your stories goes to a history class. What the heck, man? I'm here for a story not history class? You also hate history classes right?
Just like that, you ended your first chapter with a chaos, and successfully making me give up and throw a criticism on your first chapter.
Heck, is this even a story? What am I reading? Instead of Jack reincarnating, this seemed more like
you reincarnating.
What's more, you even begged for a feedback, only to expect someone to praise you, and you even put a link to your patreon, expecting people would read your work and even buying them? Please. You didn't even attempted to do a rewrite.
I'm a nice guy, so here are my suggestion:
Scrap this, and rewrite the whole damn thing. No one would pay to read crap. Did you even read your own work yourself? Your work is convincing me to stop reading and play video games, or go to the next work to become another victim.
Rethink again on where you want to start to make sure you catch the reader's eyeballs.
Consider adding more conflict or a sense of stakes to the scene. For example, Jack could have a deeper internal conflict about his death or his second chance, which would make his interaction with the god feel more meaningful. Maybe he’s struggling with guilt, fear, or doubts about what his second chance means. This would help balance the humor with a stronger emotional core.
The second half of the chapter, introducing Aprilia and the backstory of the Cha refugees, is very detailed but might overwhelm the reader. There’s a lot of information in a relatively short space, and it’s easy to get lost in the historical background.
While worldbuilding is important, this section about the Cha’s journey and the hardships they faced feels a bit like a history lesson. The focus shifts away from the immediate stakes of Jack’s reincarnation and puts a lot of weight on the backstory of the refugees, which might take readers out of the story’s current momentum.
There’s a notable shift in focus from Jack to Aprilia, and it’s a bit jarring. The transition feels abrupt, and the reader might not immediately understand why we’re now following Aprilia, especially since Jack is still an important character.
In short, exposition Overload, Too Much Focus on Worldbuilding in the Middle, none fluent Character Introductions and Transitions.
