Mind give some feedback on my Oneshot?

[Kotohood]

The story is Dead Men Talking.

I have had this idea for quite a while now and only recently got the spirit and mood to write it. It's a bit of a tragedy and maybe I could have done better with it.

So here I plead to all of you, bash my work and let me know what you think of it. I can't improve if I don't know where I am wrong.

Spoiler: This is the cover btw. If any of you wants to see my beautiful artwork.

 

[UndyingEmbers]

First, I want to say that this is very interesting premise. Even though I knew how it would end, I found myself drawn in and interested by the characters.

Your dialogue is good, but you could probably improve on the grammar in a few parts. Try to avoid repeating the noun in the same sentence like this: "The man tried to keep his sight on the creature, but the creature was simply too fast." Instead, you could reword it to something like: "The man tried desperately to keep his sight on the creature, but it was simply too fast."

My advice is to try reading the story aloud and try tweaking the text anywhere that you find yourself tripping or having to pause unnaturally. I hope this helped some. Thanks for writing the story. I really enjoyed it. :)

 

[Kotohood]

First, I want to say that this is very interesting premise. Even though I knew how it would end, I found myself drawn in and interested by the characters.

Your dialogue is good, but you could probably improve on the grammar in a few parts. Try to avoid repeating the noun in the same sentence like this: "The man tried to keep his sight on the creature, but the creature was simply too fast." Instead, you could reword it to something like: "The man tried desperately to keep his sight on the creature, but it was simply too fast."

My advice is to try reading the story aloud and try tweaking the text anywhere that you find yourself tripping or having to pause unnaturally. I hope this helped some. Thanks for writing the story. I really enjoyed it. :)

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate the time you take to do this.

Noted on the repeating nouns. I knew something was off when I proofread it but I couldn't put my finger on it. I'll try to keep an eye out for more of those.

Also, I'm really glad you liked the story. Once again, thanks!

 

[Vladarius]

i read it, i enjoyed it, i got depressed over it, but mostly i regret not being able to read something like this again ;-;
and the story is good. the people are real, i mean REAL, the characterization in this 1 chapter was enough to make me feel sad for him so it a 5/5 for me, world building ? 4.5/5 cuz ofc u cant just build a full world with only one chap, but it still damn cool how u made some small details like how the intensity of the war made mails slower, or how you described some stuff about the government being shit. grammar is a solid 3.5/5 for me, cuz ofc when i read it i found a lot of grammatical issues, but it not trash. writing style is a 4.5/5 and it because u can manage to not go overboard with the details and still have a good balance between dialogues and info dumps. overall i would recommend the story to my friends.... ofc if i had those so called friends ^-^'. i got so hooked up that im craving to read more.

 

[Kotohood]

i read it, i enjoyed it, i got depressed over it, but mostly i regret not being able to read something like this again ;-;
and the story is good. the people are real, i mean REAL, the characterization in this 1 chapter was enough to make me feel sad for him so it a 5/5 for me, world building ? 4.5/5 cuz ofc u cant just build a full world with only one chap, but it still damn cool how u made some small details like how the intensity of the war made mails slower, or how you described some stuff about the government being shit. grammar is a solid 3.5/5 for me, cuz ofc when i read it i found a lot of grammatical issues, but it not trash. writing style is a 4.5/5 and it because u can manage to not go overboard with the details and still have a good balance between dialogues and info dumps. overall i would recommend the story to my friends.... ofc if i had those so called friends ^-^'. i got so hooked up that im craving to read more.

Thanks. I've read all of your comments in the chapter and I do agree I got a lot of fixing with grammar. Notably the overusing of nouns and the past/present tense problems.

I am of course, actively trying to improve on this. So once again thanks for pointing out my mistakes. I'll prolly update the story when I have the time with some grammar fixing!

Also, I'm really glad you enjoyed the story!