Looking for ways to revise older work

[Pasta-Gal]

Hey y'all, I've been on a bit of a editing kick, but I feel like I constantly slamming my head against a brick wall in terms of revisions and edits. Because I will write something give it a gloss over once or twice to fix a thing here and there and then call it a day. My problem is I just don't know where I'm wrong, I am an idiot and I feel like it comes off into my writing.

I wrote and posted it not long ago but It's a fairly important story to me and I'd really like to make it the best version I can. Anyhow if anyone is interesting in helping my out here is a link to a story I'm really trying to clean up. Feel free to really tear it to shreds(but like still in a vaguely constructive way).

Story click here.

Thank you for anyone who reads through!

 

[K_Jira]

Hi, I thought I'd check it out, but the wall of text threw me off. I understand that you're writing with a physical book in mind as the end product, but for writing webnovels, it's best to break the paragraphs for a more comfortable read since most people read through their phone. I checked it out through my laptop right now and it's already disorienting.

 

[Pasta-Gal]

Hi, I thought I'd check it out, but the wall of text threw me off. I understand that you're writing with a physical book in mind as the end product, but for writing webnovels, it's best to break the paragraphs for a more comfortable read since most people read through their phone. I checked it out through my laptop right now and it's already disorienting.

I didn't even notice the paragraphs were as chunky as they are, thank you.

 

[Yuin]

Hi! I just read your story and here’s my thoughts:
- VERY chunky ah paragraphs. Pls pls break them into 2-3 lines per paragraphs, it makes it easier for fast reader like me to get hook up instead of like losing interest due to the walls of text in every interval.
- Idk but there’s so many time skip, I get it that you wanna gloss over the history of the character but it just telling me things and not really immersing the reader into the story alongside the character.
- the second part is a bit readable because dialogues and also paragraphing, but I feel the rest are redundant and not adding values about the whole dream sequence.
- the synopsis is short and simple but it’s just bland and not interesting like what’s the real plot here other than the dream telling the truth? What’s the context even about?
- it’s just very random and sudden with bunch of info dumping. So here is what you can do: if you don’t wanna rewrite the whole story, you can at least break the paragraphs into 2-3 lines. Maybe remove information that you deemed is just a “good to know” info like smth the reader can forsake knowing without disrupting the flow of the story and also pls go straight to the point yuh.
- the dream thing is also mostly telling me what’s going on instead of the psychological aspect of it
- forced dialogues in order to support the mysterious dream smth (the high school thing also, I know you’re trying to support the idea of gender bender but it’s just telling and telling, not much of internal monologue and self discovery.)
- idk but you have to hit the reader with smth that make them expect more from you instead of bland everyday mundane stuffs routine! Instead of straight up telling the reader what’s the dream about through dialogues…
- Anyways, great story idea but it can be executed better.