Much appreciated. Okay... so, I am gonna start with the fact that I'm not entirely a fan of GL fics. Dunno why. It's not like I hate them, just can't get into them as much as I would others that revolve around different themes. Who knows... but that is derailing away from what you wanna hear, so let's get into that.
You got some good control over the tone of the setting; it's consistent and Nat's got some logic backing her up. Also, that mirror scene? Pretty cool. And I'm glad the chapters are rather short, personally. I'm still not all there up in my head from yesterday.
But there is a small issue I'm seeing. Maybe it is just me? Actually, it probably is me who sees this as an issue. You see, Natalie is the only person I'm really interested in. The rest of the world? Meh, I've read it already; you're following canon. That's probably why it is keeping its consistency so very well.
Okay, like, you got your prologue from 1990, then start things off in London. Got it. We have the major events, such as the sorting, that troll, our beloved mirror, and we start getting into the social outcomes. Again, I really liked the mirror scene.
Now, the troll put on some legal aspects I never considered. That's pretty cool. The moral stuff? Yeah, I already had those in my mind, but didn't consider the former. Nice call on putting that in there.
You got the conflict with Snape going on. I ain't going to poke around that because this is expected; who isn't gonna be that way around him? And, hell, Malfoy... yeah, that was beyond expected.
So those definitely hooked people in to keep reading. That's the good stuff.
But, again, it's like I've already read this before;
The Philosopher's Stone. I feel as if I already know what is gonna happen. That's why I find Nat being the only interesting thing in the story, so far. Like, we got the train scene, again as mentioned with the sorting, classes, once more about the troll, our nice mirror, and even Quidditch. That's what I got from the first couple of your handful of chapters; it's predictable.
I dunno if I want to suggest this, but maybe you wanna consider subverting the outcomes a little more? Like... okay, do you want to maybe double up on Nat's divergence? She's already the main attraction, but I dunno if it is the right call to make her stand out more by breaking the canonical storyline. Reason I don't know if it is good advice to suggest that is because it could also destroy the consistency you've got going on.
Oh, wait. Maybe this is a better idea: give us more of Nat's personal worldviews that clashes with the new norms. We already know what the laws are, how mortality and death are like around the wizarding world, but we could get more of that from her viewpoint on how she's taking it in. That'd be interesting.
Also, I know why you're summarizing weeks of classes. It has been done in the canonical book, but maybe we could also get a glimpse inside her head as she's experiencing it in real time. Things like the social drift or Snape's own harassment... even the research sessions might be interesting to read about from her because this is new experience for Nat. Does that make sense?
Reason I bring that up is because I'm getting a bit jarred when you focused on Malfoy's confrontation. I get why, but the tone of dramatizing it and not other elements leaves me to feel like the world, as is, isn't that big of a deal.
How about this? You could have Tabitha maybe suspect something. That'll attract dual interest. A new hook with a subplot where Nat isn't sure what Tabitha maybe noticed or became aware of in some random moment. Maybe Nat experienced a charm failing that nearly reveals something about her in front of Tabby? Or perhaps she noticed some rando Slytherin confrontation in public was oddly handled? Something like that... I don't want to push you into forcing things into your story because it is your story, so only take these as suggestions and think them over. Don't feel as if you have to do this to make your story better.
Again, these are my opinions.
Looking back up at your request, you mentioned being concerned about being minimalistic? What specifically is your concerns about it? I can't reliably give you feedback on it when I don't know the actual issues you see in it, know what I mean?
I'll give you an example: you got good scenes, and I see what is going on, so you are conveying your vision. What I have an issue with is that it's functional, not atmospheric. You got the scenes anchored, great. It's emotional with plenty of internal reactions rather than simply scenery. But that also looks like in my head as props moving around a stage. I'm talking about when stating a room looks nice, or that the food is edible, or something about the match being loud.
Yeah, I got that, but I don't experience it. How are they like that? Do you see where I am coming from on this point? How about I make an example by including sensory: we got that the Slytherin dorms are dim and cool, but maybe if you include light that is filtered through greenish lake water, an illumination that's distorting the shadows across the stone ceiling. See that? That's sensory because now we can see why it's dim and cool.
Don't confuse that by being more descriptive; just be specific. Ambiguity is nice for some things, but scenes, when you are writing them, we need to know where to look, otherwise we're just skimming over it until we're back onto something that does catch our interest. And, so far, the dialogue is probably where my attention has been the most.
Yeah, let's get into that now. Remember that I said Nat is the most interesting character? She is. She's rather dry, but in a literal sense with an alien ethical code whenever she is calmly confronting others. That's gets me interested in seeing how that turns out like with Tabitha in the library or whenever we got a glimpse of vulnerability from confronting Malfoy.
Something that I do whenever I create dialogue is that I fragment it. I'm not suggesting you should, but maybe you should experiment sometime with it. What I mean is instead of having someone explain everything in one go, break it up with the other person interrupting for clarification on some term or place or time or whatever that they themselves can't keep following until that point is defined. Something like that might help make the characters be more lively.
Speaking of lively, the lived-in experience of the canonical world. Right now, I don't think your issue is with pacing or grammar or whatever. I feel like it is the direction you are taking it in. When I read it, it's less of a story of discovery and more like a retelling on one I've already read. That's what I'd focus on changing. Emphasis on me here. You do what you enjoy, just keep what I've said in mind as you continue to write, okay?
