looking for some serious critique, especially on my writing style and a key fight scene in Chapter 5

[Kai_West]

I'm looking for some serious critique, especially on my writing style and a key fight scene in Chapter 5 of my webnovel.

Genre: sci-fi
Title: Beyond Awakening
Link: Beyond Awakening / https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1533823/beyond-awakening/

Does my prose flow well, or is it clunky and hard to follow?
want to know if the action is clear and exciting, or if it's confusing/boring. Does the choreography make sense? Are the stakes high enough?

Don't hold back! I want to improve.

 

[StoneInky]

I'm looking for some serious critique, especially on my writing style and a key fight scene in Chapter 5 of my webnovel.

Genre: sci-fi
Title: Beyond Awakening
Link: Beyond Awakening / https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1533823/beyond-awakening/

Does my prose flow well, or is it clunky and hard to follow?
want to know if the action is clear and exciting, or if it's confusing/boring. Does the choreography make sense? Are the stakes high enough?

Don't hold back! I want to improve.

It doesn't matter even if you wrote the story, if you asked AI to fix it up, it's AI edited. Your writing reads like AI blended it until it died. I even asked AI, and it told me it's AI. It sucks.

Do not deny it, and do not ask for reviews if you edit your writing with AI. It isn't a crime, but it's rude to the reviewer.

...I try to ignore posts like this, but I found out one guy (who completely denied using AI at the time) lied. It has me angry. I want to em. ARGHHHHHH.

 

[WhiteFeather]

Theon's body hit the ground like a ragdoll, skidding across the hardened training floor before coming to a stop. The gym fell silent, then came the whispers—snide, amused, dismissive.

I stopped right here. It's LLM. It reeks of LLM.
You're very first sentence gave away that it's LLM.
The metaphor is unnecessary and something that feels unnatural. And it's damn wordy and the description is robotic.
Look, prose should ideally be simple to read and flow very smoothly from word to word and sentence to sentence, only amateur writers write complicated and wordy sentences everywhere and only a LLM writes uselessly complicated metaphors and uses tons of description where it isn't necessary.
I am not against having wordy sentences, but they shouldn't be freaking everywhere, it just becomes a chore to read such long sentences and process them. When they are used properly, they can be impactful.

 

[Kai_West]

It doesn't matter even if you wrote the story, if you asked AI to fix it up, it's AI edited. Your writing reads like AI blended it until it died. I even asked AI, and it told me it's AI. It sucks.

Do not deny it, and do not ask for reviews if you edit your writing with AI. It isn't a crime, but it's rude to the reviewer.

...I try to ignore posts like this, but I found out one guy (who completely denied using AI at the time) lied. It has me angry. I want to em. ARGHHHHHH.

Thank you for your feedback. English isn’t my first language, and I used AI tools to help refine grammar and phrasing , If not it's too robotic .I’m still learning, and my intention was to improve readability, not mislead anyone. I apologize if this caused frustration or felt disrespectful.

 

[StoneInky]

Thank you for your feedback. English isn’t my first language, and I used AI tools to help refine grammar and phrasing , If not it's too robotic .I’m still learning, and my intention was to improve readability, not mislead anyone. I apologize if this caused frustration or felt disrespectful.

It's ok if you admit it. It looks like you didn't know you should inform people beforehand, so it's fine.

Again, as the reviewer, it just gets on my nerves cuz it's hard to tell you what to fix. Any big mistakes you have are kinda blended into boring meaningless text. For now, maybe edit dialogue to sound less cliche? And add some more paragraphs into scene changes to make them less abrupt. Lastly, remember to mark it as a AI edited and translated work.

Or...it's okay if you're not good at English yet, but you don't have to edit your story with AI. Ask a native, or edit it yourself and mention you are still learning. Readers are nicer than you'd think.

 

[Kai_West]

I stopped right here. It's LLM. It reeks of LLM.
You're very first sentence gave away that it's LLM.
The metaphor is unnecessary and something that feels unnatural. And it's damn wordy and the description is robotic.
Look, prose should ideally be simple to read and flow very smoothly from word to word and sentence to sentence, only amateur writers write complicated and wordy sentences everywhere and only a LLM writes uselessly complicated metaphors and uses tons of description where it isn't necessary.
I am not against having wordy sentences, but they shouldn't be freaking everywhere, it just becomes a chore to read such long sentences and process them. When they are used properly, they can be impactful.

Thanks for pointing this out. used AI to fix grammar and awkward phrasing.
"hit the ground like a ragdoll, skidding across the hardened" this part i saw same where and I wrote " He thrown to the ground like ragdoll, Slip across the gym floor"
since English isn’t my first language i use ai to fix somethings . I’ll avoid using AI for edits in future posts and keep practicing my writing skills. Sorry for the frustration this caused

 

[WhiteFeather]

Thanks for pointing this out. used AI to fix grammar and awkward phrasing.
"hit the ground like a ragdoll, skidding across the hardened" this part i saw same where and I wrote " He thrown to the ground like ragdoll, Slip across the gym floor"
since English isn’t my first language i use ai to fix somethings . I’ll avoid using AI for edits in future posts and keep practicing my writing skills. Sorry for the frustration this caused

Use AI to your heart's content. Nobody will stop you, just mention in the description of your book "This book has been edited by an LLM because my English isn't fluent." And you are good to go, because then nobody will be deceived.

 

[Kai_West]

It's ok if you admit it. It looks like you didn't know you should inform people beforehand, so it's fine.

Again, as the reviewer, it just gets on my nerves cuz it's hard to tell you what to fix. Any big mistakes you have are kinda blended into boring meaningless text. For now, maybe edit dialogue to sound less cliche? And add some more paragraphs into scene changes to make them less abrupt. Lastly, remember to mark it as a AI edited and translated work.

Or...it's okay if you're not good at English yet, but you don't have to edit your story with AI. Ask a native, or edit it yourself and mention you are still learning. Readers are nicer than you'd think.

Got it. I’ll mark my work as AI-edited going forward. I’ll avoid using AI for edits in future. I’ll focus on making dialogue less cliché and smoothing scene transitions. Appreciate your patience

Use AI to your heart's content. Nobody will stop you, just mention in the description of your book "This book has been edited by an LLM because my English isn't fluent." And you are good to go, because then nobody will be deceived.

Understood. I'll add a clear disclaimer like that. Thanks for helping me fix mistake