Looking for some feedback

[Aniket-111]

Hello,
I was looking for some feedback for my novel, The Forgotten Universe. Below is the cover. Thanks.

 

[tiaf]

Link?

 

[BubbleC]

Linkypoo for those who need it: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/279247/the-forgotten-universe/
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I've only read the first chapter and the prologue, and right off the bat, I'd say you should work on showing not telling.

Instead of just telling us "It looked like something disastrous happened" add some description to cushion the sentence. Maybe talk about the chaotic, jumbled voices of concerned bystanders or collapsing buildings or sirens and then add the "It looked like something disastrous happened" after. When the main character wakes up to someone barging into the house, describe what's going on like we were watching a movie through the character's eyes. Add details about how the window/door buckled open, about what the intruder looked like, about what the main character is feeling, etc.

I'm not a writer so I can't provide the best examples of descriptions, but you get the gist.

Besides description, I'd say you just want to polish up your grammar a bit. Just some small things with wording and punctuation could be improved on. Also, use a comma and lowercase "said" after dialogue like this:

“Can you please stop talking about Vyn’s death, Syfass," said the only woman present there.

If there's a question mark or exclamation mark in your dialogue, capitalize the dialogue tag like this (also you wouldn't use said in this case because the character at hand is asking a question):

“Yes, so now with the matter in hand, what should we do about the blue planet?” Said Olwyn.

Anyways, the main thing to work on is description, showing what's going on in a scene instead of saying "this happened."

 

[Aniket-111]

Linkypoo for those who need it: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/279247/the-forgotten-universe/
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I've only read the first chapter and the prologue, and right off the bat, I'd say you should work on showing not telling.

Instead of just telling us "It looked like something disastrous happened" add some description to cushion the sentence. Maybe talk about the chaotic, jumbled voices of concerned bystanders or collapsing buildings or sirens and then add the "It looked like something disastrous happened" after. When the main character wakes up to someone barging into the house, describe what's going on like we were watching a movie through the character's eyes. Add details about how the window/door buckled open, about what the intruder looked like, about what the main character is feeling, etc.

I'm not a writer so I can't provide the best examples of descriptions, but you get the gist.

Besides description, I'd say you just want to polish up your grammar a bit. Just some small things with wording and punctuation could be improved on. Also, use a comma and lowercase "said" after dialogue like this:

If there's a question mark or exclamation mark in your dialogue, capitalize the dialogue tag like this (also you wouldn't use said in this case because the character at hand is asking a question):


Anyways, the main thing to work on is description, showing what's going on in a scene instead of saying "this happened."

Really thanks for your review. Actually, my chapters where really worse, when I had initially released the. I had got another review from someone else on royal road. I tried to improve on the things he told me, and I did. I know I still need more improvement, and I will always try to improve my writing. If you can always support me and keep telling me about my weaknesses, I can work on them. You might not be a writer, but a review from you is what's important as you are going to be reading my novel. I really hope you continue to read, and keep reviewing about my chapters, so that I can improve and provide you with more and better chapters. Thanks.