I am a new writer and i have started uploading my chapters. No one has ever read my work before so am in dire need of feedback. I am pretty much done with the first part of my book. I need feedback if the novel is decent enough or if i should do a complete rewrite. Any feedback good, bad or harsh is more than appreciated. Thank you and happy reading
I don't think this is my kinda book, which isn't a criticism of it so much as a "I don't know how usefully I can criticize this thing"-- selfish antihero is a hard sell for me, though many people like that sort of thing.
However, in the future, I would suggest only releasing a chapter a day, maybe two or three if you space them out by 6 hours or something-- releasing all your chapters at once really reduces your visibility on Scribblehub, which makes it harder to get feedback.
I am a new writer and i have started uploading my chapters. No one has ever read my work before so am in dire need of feedback. I am pretty much done with the first part of my book. I need feedback if the novel is decent enough or if i should do a complete rewrite. Any feedback good, bad or harsh is more than appreciated. Thank you and happy reading
Book Cover - Put your book title on the cover. Also, I could see watermarks...those don't look appealing
Synopsis - The first part was good. It has this mysterious vibe going on. For this question though, you should use a question mark at the end and not a period.
As for the rest of your synopsis, it kinda went downhill. Like, it became confusing to read. For example:
When the darkness snatched his mother days after he survived an attempt on his life, proclaimed future leader of the Martial world Ben together with the mysterious newcomer Anopa roamed the world in search of answers.
There should be a comma after "mother". Also, the whole sentence is a bit confusing, probably because there's no pause. Consider splitting it into two independent clauses for better comprehension.
They were accompanied by the healer Talia, Ben's betrothed Nora and Nora's soulmate Dante.
When it's a question, you should put a question mark -> They had to leave in a hurry. How could they even stop and grab their possessions with all those villagers coming after them?
They grabbed the rock and the second the jewel was free, the cave fell into commotion.
^ I don't think "commotion" is the right word to use here.
POV - I know that your story's in 3rd pov, but....you started the story on the robbers' side then all of a sudden I got to see this trapped dude's thoughts...the narration just didn't flow well. For ex:
The more the robbers moved around staining the ground underneath them, the weaker the containment spell surrounding them got.
He was almost ready, he was ready to take back the world just as he intended. He suddenly felt a rush that he hadn’t felt in over a century. How could this be? Why is my power suddenly coming back? How am I …? Wait! Can I? Thoughts started flooding his brain and he wasn’t sure how to react. Am I really getting free? Or are those self-righteous idiots bored of playing savior of the world that they decided to play with me. How long has it been since they locked me in here? Hours? Days? Have they forgiven me already? Now that would be a mistake!
They were stumbled, he wasn’t saying anything yet they could hear him and he could hear them. He sensed their fear and he dined on it. He had missed his power, his control and he couldn’t stop himself from fulfilling all his hunger.
^ They were stumped or you can also use baffled. Stumble is to lose balance.
^ Again, the narration doesn't flow well here. You used "they" and "he". I suggest using "the robbers" and "the (insert the character's name here). Or if you want that certain character's identity to remain a mystery, then use some other "title" or you can just simply refer to him using a physical feature like "the blonde man."
The robbers cried and screamed and pleaded for lives to no avail. The wronged corpses had no mercy to give.
The robbers cried and screamed and pleaded for their lives to no avail.
The wronged corpses had no mercy to give. -> "wronged" is not the proper word to use here
Suggestion:
The first 1-3 chapters are usually the deciding factor whether a reader will want to continue reading your novel or not. The 1st chapter is especially important. You should grab the attention of your reader/s as much as you can. There's a fighting scene in the 1st chapter, but you didn't really show it much. It was just glossed over. It wasn't thrilling at all. That was the perfect time to grab your readers' interest.
I know there's a huge power gap so it's hard to see a decent fight, but you could still portray the futile struggles of the robbers, or how the undead tore off their limbs and whatnot. You know, make the carnage scene more vivid. The mysterious man was supposed to be someone who's extremely scary to the robbers—and of course, it's better if you could portray that image to the readers. You can't just throw adjectives like "diabolic" or something and expect that it will make him appear scary.
The scene just went like this:
Mysterious man got released from his imprisonment > robbers got scared > mysterious man summoned the undead > he laughed > robbers cried > mysterious man laughed again
Hello! I’ve read the first 17 chapters and been commenting along the way. I have a few points I think be helpful to consider.
1. I am mildly irritated by the world so far. This is not necessarily a bad thing. If played the right way, this could give major fuel to the BBEG.
I hate Nora and Dante, am neutral to Ben, and feel creepy vibes from Anopa.
No one seems to be happy to be in the martial arts sects. The fight scenes so far have just led to one-sided slaughter. The “good” guys just seem overall incompetent.
The crazy evil spirit thing seems just as frustrated as I am at the lack of fighting spirit, making him a genuinely likable psycho. I feel like there needs to be some explanation of why these people seem so weak and spoiled.
Nora doesn’t seem to consider anything beyond oh no, I don’t want to be seen as selfish so I’m going to try to guilt trip Ben into ending the engagement.
Dante isn’t willing to draw boundaries or make a stand.
Ben doesn’t fight and just passively takes everything that comes his way, and has no problem potentially taking on Anopa as a lover while he was berating Nora for having a lover on the side.
Why are they like this? Did years of peace make them grow petty? Are the good guys really good? I feel that the BBEG’s background could make for a very interesting (but slow) reveal. This seems to be what the novel is working up to, and honestly? I’m rooting for Mr. Maniac.
Sometimes, incompetent good characters are more evil to readers than entertaining mass murderers.
2. Lots of things feel like they are conveniently thrown in for the plot.
Stuff like Talia’s power up seem to be really convenient excuses for having OP characters later on.
Straight up explaining what’s happening to us also takes away any mystery.
It’s ok to make the characters search a ruin to learn of King Arthur.
You could have revealed Dante’s phoenix mark during the tryst with Nora At the beginning, discover the story of King Arthur later, and then make Dante deal with the knowledge that he has such power. It could have made Dante struggle with knowing that, together with Anopa, they could overpower Ben. Anopa could have Ben while he had Nora. He could have felt guilty for wondering if he should take what he loves by force, and realize that people should not be forced into relationships.
I think because the narrator gives away so much information as if it’s common knowledge, it takes away any chance to have foreshadowing or tension.
I also think that it wouldn’t quite make sense to have all this knowledge openly known (people would try to monopolize power and keeps certain things secret).
I also think different cultural backgrounds mixing is interesting and adds the opportunity for some groups to know things and others not to. However, I do think the main cultural identity of the setting needs identified more clearly.
3. There’s been lots of telling and little showing. That’s it. No spoiler drop down this time. I’ve been told every backstory and quality trait, but the characters haven’t actually DONE much so far.
4. The psycho maniac that pops up in chapter one is not a main character apparently, but is actually the villain. This would be fine, but the main “good” characters weren’t introduced until later. People who like antihero’s and villain MCs will feel disappointed later on, and you risk losing the readers who don’t like these characters. I know this is covered in the summary, but starting with the MCs might make more sense. Of course, I didn’t follow this advice for my own work and have definitely lost readers due to the setup of my first seven “chapters.”
5. Clear titles for chapters may help make them more memorable. When I forget to check off where I have read to, I forget where I was and get frustrated. With so many chapters already released, they appear as intimidating
walls of text.
That said, I do plan to keep reading.
DM me if you want to talk over the specifics at all. I’m also a newbie writer, but I’m a pretty avid reader and decent editor.
I don't think this is my kinda book, which isn't a criticism of it so much as a "I don't know how usefully I can criticize this thing"-- selfish antihero is a hard sell for me, though many people like that sort of thing.
However, in the future, I would suggest only releasing a chapter a day, maybe two or three if you space them out by 6 hours or something-- releasing all your chapters at once really reduces your visibility on Scribblehub, which makes it harder to get feedback.
Hello! I’ve read the first 17 chapters and been commenting along the way. I have a few points I think be helpful to consider.
1. I am mildly irritated by the world so far. This is not necessarily a bad thing. If played the right way, this could give major fuel to the BBEG.
I hate Nora and Dante, am neutral to Ben, and feel creepy vibes from Anopa.
No one seems to be happy to be in the martial arts sects. The fight scenes so far have just led to one-sided slaughter. The “good” guys just seem overall incompetent.
The crazy evil spirit thing seems just as frustrated as I am at the lack of fighting spirit, making him a genuinely likable psycho. I feel like there needs to be some explanation of why these people seem so weak and spoiled.
Nora doesn’t seem to consider anything beyond oh no, I don’t want to be seen as selfish so I’m going to try to guilt trip Ben into ending the engagement.
Dante isn’t willing to draw boundaries or make a stand.
Ben doesn’t fight and just passively takes everything that comes his way, and has no problem potentially taking on Anopa as a lover while he was berating Nora for having a lover on the side.
Why are they like this? Did years of peace make them grow petty? Are the good guys really good? I feel that the BBEG’s background could make for a very interesting (but slow) reveal. This seems to be what the novel is working up to, and honestly? I’m rooting for Mr. Maniac.
Sometimes, incompetent good characters are more evil to readers than entertaining mass murderers.
2. Lots of things feel like they are conveniently thrown in for the plot.
Stuff like Talia’s power up seem to be really convenient excuses for having OP characters later on.
Straight up explaining what’s happening to us also takes away any mystery.
It’s ok to make the characters search a ruin to learn of King Arthur.
You could have revealed Dante’s phoenix mark during the tryst with Nora At the beginning, discover the story of King Arthur later, and then make Dante deal with the knowledge that he has such power. It could have made Dante struggle with knowing that, together with Anopa, they could overpower Ben. Anopa could have Ben while he had Nora. He could have felt guilty for wondering if he should take what he loves by force, and realize that people should not be forced into relationships.
I think because the narrator gives away so much information as if it’s common knowledge, it takes away any chance to have foreshadowing or tension.
I also think that it wouldn’t quite make sense to have all this knowledge openly known (people would try to monopolize power and keeps certain things secret).
I also think different cultural backgrounds mixing is interesting and adds the opportunity for some groups to know things and others not to. However, I do think the main cultural identity of the setting needs identified more clearly.
3. There’s been lots of telling and little showing. That’s it. No spoiler drop down this time. I’ve been told every backstory and quality trait, but the characters haven’t actually DONE much so far.
4. The psycho maniac that pops up in chapter one is not a main character apparently, but is actually the villain. This would be fine, but the main “good” characters weren’t introduced until later. People who like antihero’s and villain MCs will feel disappointed later on, and you risk losing the readers who don’t like these characters. I know this is covered in the summary, but starting with the MCs might make more sense. Of course, I didn’t follow this advice for my own work and have definitely lost readers due to the setup of my first seven “chapters.”
5. Clear titles for chapters may help make them more memorable. When I forget to check off where I have read to, I forget where I was and get frustrated. With so many chapters already released, they appear as intimidating
walls of text.
That said, I do plan to keep reading.
DM me if you want to talk over the specifics at all. I’m also a newbie writer, but I’m a pretty avid reader and decent editor.
The main crazy mass murderer is the villain not the MC I think. The MC is Ben, who is the more self-sacrificing type from what I can tell.
Thank you so much for the review. I will be honest with you i have been thinking about this book for years. It's going to be a four books series. I wanted every character to be introduced in the first part and a bit of their history so you understand all the actions they are going to take moving onwards. By the end of the first book the first pawn will be revealed and every character will assume new roles. Their history will start playing a big part in their decisions.
As for the cultural setting to be honest its just a dysotia world, a fantasy. All the characters, places, sectors are named after different things from different countries. Minyama is a seaside surbub in Queensland Australia. So i thought, if i could have my own perfect like world, what would it look like, I said it will have everyone and everything. So i did some research on cultures around the world, i picked my favorite ones and favorite names and i wrote this book. Which is why the title sect leader/King was replaced by the word Mambo which means King from southern Africa and why the Wise people sect is called Kashikoi which means Wise, Intelligent in Japanese.
I will definitely start adding better chapter titles, thank you for the advice. To be honest i want people to be invested in the "good guys" but not all of them are good, some are just good at playing the part. I guess its why i reveal some part of the plot from the beginning. I want readers to understand why its going to get that way. Please keep reading, I want to hear your thoughts at the end of book 1. I want to know if things will be clearer then
Thank you so much for the review. I will be honest with you i have been thinking about this book for years. It's going to be a four books series. I wanted every character to be introduced in the first part and a bit of their history so you understand all the actions they are going to take moving onwards. By the end of the first book the first pawn will be revealed and every character will assume new roles. Their history will start playing a big part in their decisions.
As for the cultural setting to be honest its just a dysotia world, a fantasy. All the characters, places, sectors are named after different things from different countries. Minyama is a seaside surbub in Queensland Australia. So i thought, if i could have my own perfect like world, what would it look like, I said it will have everyone and everything. So i did some research on cultures around the world, i picked my favorite ones and favorite names and i wrote this book. Which is why the title sect leader/King was replaced by the word Mambo which means King from southern Africa and why the Wise people sect is called Kashikoi which means Wise, Intelligent in Japanese.
I will definitely start adding better chapter titles, thank you for the advice. To be honest i want people to be invested in the "good guys" but not all of them are good, some are just good at playing the part. I guess its why i reveal some part of the plot from the beginning. I want readers to understand why its going to get that way. Please keep reading, I want to hear your thoughts at the end of book 1. I want to know if things will be clearer then
I will definitely keep reading! (Haven’t yet since I’ve been swamped at work, a bit burnt out, and haunting the forums lol) I think knowing how much you have planned helps me have perspective on why you write the way you do. A lot of the novels on here are written less as an e-novel and more as a serial light novel. That’s why you’ll get advice regarding spacing differently and breaking up paragraphs that would quite frankly be short in a paperback novel.
Are you aiming for self-publishing? Honestly, if you were I think some High Fantasy style Maps and character outlines could be super cool to work on as well! I remember those being helpful to me as a reader for some of the more complex fantasy novels I had read.
