Looking for honest opinions of my writing.

[Tripleblack]

Just want to hear what works and doesn't work. Please don't go easy on me and tell me what you actually think.

I mainly want to know what about my writing would be a turn-off for potential readers and what aspects of my writing are good. I'm willing to go back and rework previous chapters(though I'll keep the general story the same.)

This is my novel: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1135540/the-revival-of-the-vampire-empress/

Just want to hear what works and doesn't work. Please don't go easy on me and tell me what you actually think.

I mainly want to know what about my writing would be a turn-off for potential readers and what aspects of my writing are good. I'm willing to go back and rework previous chapters(though I'll keep the general story the same.)

This is my novel: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1135540/the-revival-of-the-vampire-empress/

Also, I need you to take the tags with a grain of salt. I just wasn't sure how strict the rules were when it came to stuff. This really isn't smut or anything, but when Cacophony first appears she's naked so I just put the tag to be safe.

 

[Tsuru]

The synopsis is well done. GJ
Cover too. GJ

GJ you succeeded one very important part of the work to bring readers in.
(what lot of people asking for help in this threads cant even do, despite needing 5s to look around they could do it too)


First chapter.
The writing is good. Very decent.

But.
A but.
Small one though.

Cut your first paragraph into smaller one. That was quite a block.

There are sixty seconds in one minute, sixty minutes in an hour, twenty-four hours in a day, and three hundred sixty-five days in a year. Even though every human is told this from birth that isn't quite the truth. In a year there is, in fact, a quarter of a day more than the three hundred sixty-five number that people have grown accustomed to. That number is such a small insignificant amount, yet if one looked, what would be hidden in that small gap, only recorded every few years? How much has been looked over in the billions of years that the universe has existed? Events that have been lost or hidden in the catacombs of time just waiting to be released from their slumber. Not in some faraway land but instead in the shadows of everyday life. For the lost souls in our society, perhaps that is where their true selves lie waiting to be uncovered. Or perhaps, just maybe, in a small place that exists only in our hearts, we know that whatever exists in that void would be better off being forgotten...

"I hate that idea. That there are some things in this world that we shouldn't learn about. That we should merely plug our ears and march on trying to forget that just around the corner exists something extraordinary. Even if you wish to sit back and block out the world, I will seek it out. No matter who thinks they know better. And if the day comes that my actions lead me to someplace where I have no idea where to go... then I'll spend my entire life mulling it over in my head. And if I can't figure it out, then maybe, in some faraway place one thousand years from now, people will give it some kind of meaning. But for now, I'll march forward and see the world with my own eyes!"

Once I finished saying that, I took a deep breath. With my hand raised high toward the sky, as though piercing the heavens, I utter words that even god himself could've only said were taken directly from the depths of my soul. Standing atop a crumbling, collapsing structure, as countless things floated toward the hole in the sky and I bled out from countless injuries, the only proof of my existence was my will. The flame within my soul echoed throughout every lost corner of the world as I stood there.

Then, I jumped.

Not "removing" but changing the size of it. Jumping lines or whatever.
Problem isnt in fact the first paragraph, but the fact there is a 2nd and 3rd big paragraph.


To be honest, you are a rare author that i dont see any big thing to criticize. (which is rare)
So anyway, just continue.
At 50+ chap readers will flock, and 100+ you see your numbers automatically goes up.


Dont give up, bc ton of readers simply wait a series got 50+chaps before reading one as they tired of dropped-series (or poof-disappear author)
OR bc some people will try by curiosity = "Its the 5th time i see this series appear in updates, maybe i should give it a try"
And/or "hey this author keep adding regularly chapters at same interval, showing they care about it and probably unlikely to drop it like some that update unregularly or 1chap/2-3weeks")

 

[OatMush]

The third word of the synopsis is a wrong, is 'dawn' should be 'don'.
I've read the first chapter, overall it's quite well written and there aren't any grammar or spelling issues other than the synopsis.
The main issue with the chapter I had was that the beginning seems a bit gimmicky, it starts with a confusing analogy about years, I didn't really understand the point of this because the quarter day isn't forgotten about, just accumulated until leap years., so what does it have to do with forgotten stories?
Next in gimmicks you have the monologue to nobody, why is he saying this? Then you have his jump, which I misinterpreted as him committing suicide off a roof, and then you reveal this was a flashforward. This is subjective, but personally I prefer linear story telling and I don't feel this time jump was very compelling.
Which leads onto what I did like, which is pretty much everything past the "- January 8th, Miami, Florida. Exactly One Year Before The End of The World.".
This I think is the real start of the story, and I think it's actually pretty good. Maybe I wasn't a huge fan of the transition from third person to first, I think I'd like it more if you just chose one and stuck with it, but other than that as @I_am_a_bot said there really isn't much to complain about. Keep it up! Have fun!