Looking for feedback

[Nightfall6344]

Hello everyone! I’m revising my novel and looking for feedback.
The story is mostly first-person POV, with some mystery-style sections.

If anyone has thoughts on the POV, flow, or overall reading experience, I’d really appreciate it!
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2024312/veil-of-midnight/

 

[LuciferVermillion]

As a first-person POV author myself, I want to share something.

1. You should perhaps, look around in the forums. Everyone is picky about number the chapters, and you don't have that after revising it.
2. Your synopsis is thematic and atmospheric, but it lacks narrative "teeth." It reads more like a "back of the book" teaser than a functional synopsis. It tells me what the book feels like, but it doesn't tell me what actually happens.
i. Truths buried beneath her suffering (What truths? Her past? A murder? A family secret?)
ii. Shadows that bind her fate (Is this literal magic or a metaphor for trauma?)
iii. Between sacrifice and salvation, love and ruin (These are themes, not plot points.)
iv. Instead of: "confront the shadows that bind her fate." Try: "confront the entity that has haunted her dreams since her sister's disappearance." (Or whatever the specific plot point is).
3. So I read your first chapter, and second. Then I stopped. Because:
i. I don't understand what you are trying to bring out from your story.
ii. What are you trying to show? About nightmares? About talks?
iii. What was your story about? There's not even a backstory. Why would she enter this dream?

 

[Nightfall6344]

As a first-person POV author myself, I want to share something.

1. You should perhaps, look around in the forums. Everyone is picky about number the chapters, and you don't have that after revising it.
2. Your synopsis is thematic and atmospheric, but it lacks narrative "teeth." It reads more like a "back of the book" teaser than a functional synopsis. It tells me what the book feels like, but it doesn't tell me what actually happens.
i. Truths buried beneath her suffering (What truths? Her past? A murder? A family secret?)
ii. Shadows that bind her fate (Is this literal magic or a metaphor for trauma?)
iii. Between sacrifice and salvation, love and ruin (These are themes, not plot points.)
iv. Instead of: "confront the shadows that bind her fate." Try: "confront the entity that has haunted her dreams since her sister's disappearance." (Or whatever the specific plot point is).
3. So I read your first chapter, and second. Then I stopped. Because:
i. I don't understand what you are trying to bring out from your story.
ii. What are you trying to show? About nightmares? About talks?
iii. What was your story about? There's not even a backstory. Why would she enter this dream?

Thanks for reading and for the honest feedback!

I did feel that the synopsis was a bit lacking, but I wasn’t sure whether it was okay to change it after posting, so your comment actually helped clear that up for me.

I’ve already started fixing the chapter numbering as well. The novel’s still in a polishing phase, so feedback like this genuinely helps a lot. Thanks again for taking the time to point it out.

 

[Makimaam]

One sentence paragraph.

That is all. That stopped me.

Dead by chapter 2.

See what this does to a reader?

 

[MXDestroyer189]

read first pov books and take inspiration from them. Same concept as how artists copy the greats which they then develop into their own (It's not forbidden or illegal to copy if its solely for improvement). Since its first pov, the more important it is to have a character's voice and thought to be good or at least engaging for readers to continue your story. One line paragraphs are totally fine but the details are way too little. Better to make it dynamic in length and it all depends on the character's way of thinking narration. NOt every character (in their head) thinks the same. My own suggestion is write longer and more depth to your character. ANd one last little thing and my own problem: I hate it when authors write first pov like a "character". What I mean by that is they don't feel real and cringey so, it automatically creates a sense of distance (imo). Hard to explain since my english is not that good.

 

[Nightfall6344]

read first pov books and take inspiration from them. Same concept as how artists copy the greats which they then develop into their own (It's not forbidden or illegal to copy if its solely for improvement). Since its first pov, the more important it is to have a character's voice and thought to be good or at least engaging for readers to continue your story. One line paragraphs are totally fine but the details are way too little. Better to make it dynamic in length and it all depends on the character's way of thinking narration. NOt every character (in their head) thinks the same. My own suggestion is write longer and more depth to your character. ANd one last little thing and my own problem: I hate it when authors write first pov like a "character". What I mean by that is they don't feel real and cringey so, it automatically creates a sense of distance (imo). Hard to explain since my english is not that good.

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain this so clearly. I really appreciate how detailed and honest your feedback is. I’m still learning first-person POV, so advice like this genuinely helps me see what’s missing. ?

 

[Nightfall6344]

Really strong opening overall. The nightmare is gripping, and the transition into the school scene keeps that tension hanging instead of breaking it.

A few small things you could look at:

Some lines in the nightmare repeat the same idea of running and being caught. Trimming just a bit might make it hit even harder.

The shadows are creepy, but one sharper, concrete detail could make them stick in the reader’s mind longer.

In the school scene, Bia’s voice comes through nicely. You could lean a little more into her inner reactions when she first notices the new girl to deepen that unease.

Do you have a beta reader for this yet? I’d be happy to read more and give detailed feedback if you’re open to it.

Thank you so much for this feedback. Honestly, it made my day. I’m really glad the opening and nightmare worked for you.

I'll keep it in mind about your suggestions. I'm also trying to lean more into Bia’s inner reactions.

I don't have any beta readers for it. So thank you for offering to read more, that really means a lot to me ?