Looking for feedback

[Redz]

This is my first writing instead of just reading.

I really appreciate some feedback or some tips.

Eclipse

 

[LuciferVermillion]

First off, your summary:​

• Grammar and sentence structure:
  • Phrases like “a war broke down” should be “a war broke out.”
  • Sentences are run-on or missing punctuation.
  • Tense inconsistencies (“Years had been passed” → “Years passed,” etc.)
• Clarity and flow:
  • The relationships between characters and events are a little confusing.
  • Names of the original sorcerers (Luna and Aelius) are introduced too quickly and aren’t clearly separated from the descendants.
• Tone and style:
  • You want it to sound epic, mysterious, and intriguing. Right now, it reads more like a rough summary.

Maybe you could adjust it, like:
Long ago, humans and spirits were enemies, locked in a brutal war that raged for decades. Countless lives were lost on both sides, and peace seemed impossible—until two powerful sorcerers emerged.
Luna, a master of lunar magic, and Aelius, a wielder of fire, united their strengths to end the conflict and forge a lasting peace between the two worlds.
Four centuries later, their legacy lives on through their descendants: Cyrus, a calm and precise lunar sorcerer, and Marcel, a fiery young woman gifted with pyrokinesis. Together, they protect the harmony their ancestors fought so hard to create.
But darkness stirs once more.
And a familiar face from the past may be the one to tear it all apart.

I've read chapter one, and it's more of a rough outline than polished prose.​

1. A Solid Mythic Premise​

You’ve got a strong central concept:

“A war between spirits and humans ends with the union of two powerful sorcerers whose legacy is now under threat.”
That’s a timeless fantasy structure—and for good reason. It provides a clear backdrop of peace following strife, and the reemergence of old magic adds intrigue and stakes.

---

2. Distinct Characters

Even with limited lines, you’ve given Marcel and Cyrus some identity:

• Marcel is hot-headed, impulsive, and emotional.
• Cyrus is calmer, curious, and intellectual.

This kind of dynamic works well and can form the basis of a fun duo (à la Zuko/Katara or Howl/Sophie).

---

3. Hints at a Larger Conflict

The twist at the end—Vixy getting what she really wanted despite her apparent loss—is a classic villain move. It raises the stakes and sets up future conflict effectively.

---

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT​

1. Grammar, Sentence Structure, and Flow
There are a lot of run-on sentences, tense shifts, and punctuation issues that make the text feel rough and a bit hard to follow.

Examples:

• "a war broke down that lasted for decades..."
  Should be: “a war broke out and lasted for decades...”

• “years had passed yet the war never ended...”
  This could be clearer and more dramatic: “Years passed, but the war dragged on, unrelenting.”

You frequently switch between past and present tense, which weakens immersion.

---

2. Show, Don’t Tell

A lot of the narrative is told in summary, rather than shown through action, dialogue, or emotion.

Example:

“As the people celebrated of this new hope, those two sorcerers sit behind a tree…”
Could be:
“While fireworks danced above the village, the two sorcerers sat quietly beneath an old moonlit tree, the noise of celebration distant in their ears.”

This would make the moment more vivid and emotional.

---

3. Repetition and Redundancy​

Some ideas or phrases are repeated or overly explained:

• “That’s surely the most annoying spirit we encounter.”

• “At least the book had been retrieved back to the library.”
  (These both say what we already saw happen—try pushing the story forward instead.)

---

4. Awkward Dialogue​

The dialogue is understandable but doesn’t always feel natural or character-driven. Many lines are expositional instead of emotional or personality-filled.
For example:

“Now give us back those books and you can walk away freely.”
This feels stiff. You could make it snappier:
“Hand over the books, and maybe we’ll let you walk out of here.”

This is just a rough editing:

There was a time when humans and spirits were not allies, but enemies. It was a dark age—one marred by bloodshed and fear. A war broke out that raged for decades, claiming countless lives on both sides.
For years, peace seemed like a distant dream... until two sorcerers rose from the chaos. One wielded the cold grace of Lunar magic, the other, the fierce power of fire. With their combined strength, they ended the war and forged a new bond between spirit and man.
As the world celebrated, the two sat beneath a tree on a quiet hill, far from the crowds.
“Promise me,” the lunar sorceress said, her voice barely louder than the breeze. “Promise we’ll always be together… even after death.”
The fire sorcerer smiled, eyes on the stars. “Of course. And may our descendants carry the fire and moonlight of our legacy.”
Four centuries passed. The world changed. Humans and spirits now lived side by side. Peace had become the norm—until the day panic struck a small village on the forest’s edge...

 

[Worthy39]

I think you have a unique concept, but the story delivery, like Vermillion said, was a bit stiff. but I don't necessarily agree with everything that was said. The introduction of most characters fell a bit flat, common issue among beginner writers is to let the ideas and lore develop in their head but forget to write it down, and expect readers to understand it. In this case, it was mostly shown in the introduction of your characters, who didn't strike as strong of an impact as they could've. However, if you polish up the dialog a bit more, I don't think there's a problem making short references to past actions or events like the most annoying spirit encounter or returning the book, but you need to do it in a way that adds something to the story, like show a bit of the character's personality through their reaction. Overall, with a bit of polish, your story would definitely be worth a read for anyone who's a fan of the genre. Keep at it, and don't let constructive criticism make you feel bad, it can be a bit bitter to swallow, but if you learn from it, you'll improve a lot.

 

[Redz]

First off, your summary:​

• Grammar and sentence structure:
  • Phrases like “a war broke down” should be “a war broke out.”
  • Sentences are run-on or missing punctuation.
  • Tense inconsistencies (“Years had been passed” → “Years passed,” etc.)
• Clarity and flow:
  • The relationships between characters and events are a little confusing.
  • Names of the original sorcerers (Luna and Aelius) are introduced too quickly and aren’t clearly separated from the descendants.
• Tone and style:
  • You want it to sound epic, mysterious, and intriguing. Right now, it reads more like a rough summary.

Maybe you could adjust it, like:
Long ago, humans and spirits were enemies, locked in a brutal war that raged for decades. Countless lives were lost on both sides, and peace seemed impossible—until two powerful sorcerers emerged.
Luna, a master of lunar magic, and Aelius, a wielder of fire, united their strengths to end the conflict and forge a lasting peace between the two worlds.
Four centuries later, their legacy lives on through their descendants: Cyrus, a calm and precise lunar sorcerer, and Marcel, a fiery young woman gifted with pyrokinesis. Together, they protect the harmony their ancestors fought so hard to create.
But darkness stirs once more.
And a familiar face from the past may be the one to tear it all apart.

I've read chapter one, and it's more of a rough outline than polished prose.​

1. A Solid Mythic Premise​

You’ve got a strong central concept:

---

2. Distinct Characters

Even with limited lines, you’ve given Marcel and Cyrus some identity:

• Marcel is hot-headed, impulsive, and emotional.
• Cyrus is calmer, curious, and intellectual.

This kind of dynamic works well and can form the basis of a fun duo (à la Zuko/Katara or Howl/Sophie).

---

3. Hints at a Larger Conflict

The twist at the end—Vixy getting what she really wanted despite her apparent loss—is a classic villain move. It raises the stakes and sets up future conflict effectively.

---

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT​

1. Grammar, Sentence Structure, and Flow
There are a lot of run-on sentences, tense shifts, and punctuation issues that make the text feel rough and a bit hard to follow.

Examples:

• 
  

You frequently switch between past and present tense, which weakens immersion.

---

2. Show, Don’t Tell

A lot of the narrative is told in summary, rather than shown through action, dialogue, or emotion.

Example:


This would make the moment more vivid and emotional.

---

3. Repetition and Redundancy​

Some ideas or phrases are repeated or overly explained:

• 
  

---

4. Awkward Dialogue​

The dialogue is understandable but doesn’t always feel natural or character-driven. Many lines are expositional instead of emotional or personality-filled.
For example:


This is just a rough editing:

There was a time when humans and spirits were not allies, but enemies. It was a dark age—one marred by bloodshed and fear. A war broke out that raged for decades, claiming countless lives on both sides.
For years, peace seemed like a distant dream... until two sorcerers rose from the chaos. One wielded the cold grace of Lunar magic, the other, the fierce power of fire. With their combined strength, they ended the war and forged a new bond between spirit and man.
As the world celebrated, the two sat beneath a tree on a quiet hill, far from the crowds.
“Promise me,” the lunar sorceress said, her voice barely louder than the breeze. “Promise we’ll always be together… even after death.”
The fire sorcerer smiled, eyes on the stars. “Of course. And may our descendants carry the fire and moonlight of our legacy.”
Four centuries passed. The world changed. Humans and spirits now lived side by side. Peace had become the norm—until the day panic struck a small village on the forest’s edge...

Thanks for the feedback! I probably gonna rewrite chapter 1 based of your feedback

 

[Ouro]

I’m pretty new to writing system-based stories, so I’d love some tips on how to level up my plot. What details are essential—or what could I improve—to make the genre experience more immersive? The Weakest Hunter Levels Up To Get Stronger!