Looking for Feedback

[HeirOfGoat]

Hey everyone,
I just posted the first chapters of my dark fantasy story When the Demon Child Dances with Death, which follows Rim a demon raised by a human assassin, caught between two worlds.
I’d love to get some honest feedback:

Did the opening catch your attention?
How did the tone and pacing feel?
Do the characters (Rim, Max, Samael) come across as alive and engaging?
Most importantly: how did it make you feel while reading?

I don’t have much visibility yet, so if you have tips to reach more readers, that would be amazing too.
Thanks a lot to anyone who takes the time to read and share their impressions!

When the Demon Child Dances with Death

 

[whitesculptor]

The first chapter was really exciting to read. It built a lot of tension and mystery, remarkable.
The second, however, killed everything you built.
Perhaps, if you had a few more chapters slowly unraveling the mystery, adding character x, and then y, etc. Opening up to the world and allowing the reader to find out where the protagonist is, who he is, and maybe how he ended up there.
It was the perfect opening for a fantasy genre too. Even isekai.
As for more readers, one chapter a day works quite well.

 

[HeirOfGoat]

Thanks a lot for the honest feedback, I really appreciate it!

The first chapter was really exciting to read. It built a lot of tension and mystery, remarkable.
The second, however, killed everything you built.
Perhaps, if you had a few more chapters slowly unraveling the mystery, adding character x, and then y, etc. Opening up to the world and allowing the reader to find out where the protagonist is, who he is, and maybe how he ended up there.
It was the perfect opening for a fantasy genre too. Even isekai.
As for more readers, one chapter a day works quite well.

Do you think it would be better if I reworked Chapter 2, slowing the pace a bit like in the first chapter, and adding more of the mystery that connects them, or should I just keep moving forward with the next chapters and let the story open up gradually?

 

[Deleted member 166465]

Thanks a lot for the honest feedback, I really appreciate it!


Do you think it would be better if I reworked Chapter 2, slowing the pace a bit like in the first chapter, and adding more of the mystery that connects them, or should I just keep moving forward with the next chapters and let the story open up gradually?

Gradually is my opinion, but you gotta give something in the second chapter. The first one got its hook, for people who like to read fantasy like this. I left you a comment in the first chapter. Keep going, it may have some potential though is too soon to tell.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

If I could suggest, can you do a little something more with your synopsis?
People might be more inclined to take a peek with a good first description.

 

[Joyager2]

I agree that your pacing is a little odd. I think you move a little too quickly and don’t take the time to dwell on any particular moment. It makes the story feel very impersonal and rushed.

That said, my biggest critique is about your diction and syntax—what you say and how you say it. On a sentence-by-sentence basis, I think there’s some room for improvement. Frequently, many of your sentences are a little too punchy and lack the weight necessary to linger in a reader’s mind or really engage them. This bleeds into your dialogue and makes your characters difficult to relate to and see as people rather than just words on the page.

It can be difficult to explain, but my best piece of advice is to pick up your favorite book and look not only at what the author is saying, but how they’re saying it. Pay attention to how they build a rhythm that sounds right, feels right, and keeps you moving from one line to the next. As Ursula K. Le Guin says, “Rhythm is what keeps the song going, the horse galloping, the story moving.” (She says this in the beautiful, short, and incredibly helpful Steering the Craft, which I think would be really helpful to you.)