Looking for Feedback on Trapped in Another Stupid World

[DanielJ.Noble]

I’ve been working on my isekai story Trapped in Another Stupid World, and I’d really appreciate some honest feedback from fellow writers and readers here.

Trapped in Yet Another Stupid World!!

'The gods are losing, and they’re throwing disposable heroes at the problem. I’m just the latest fool on the list.' When Daion wakes up in a void, faced with a sarcastic, all-powerful 'god,' he quickly realizes two things: He’s dead. His afterlife is a joke....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[JayMark]

I'm tired, I just scanned.
It looks promising as a story.
I didn't think or sense it was AI.
Lots of mistakes I used to make and things I still do in my first drafts.

If I was editing it, I would tighten the dialogue tags first.
And maybe consider slightly showing more of the scene in places.

Fix things like this:

he muttered to himself—loud enough for Daion to hear. ( Contradictions make the author look bad. It's one or the other)



Delete things like:


-He leaned in with a piercing intensity that felt like it cut through Daion’s very soul.
-But his voice instantly took on a mocking tone.
-Every word dripped with irreverence.
-heavily mocking the final word

The dialogue tags took me out of reading mode and put me into editing mode despite the dialogue itself being fine.

 

[DanielJ.Noble]

I'm tired, I just scanned.
It looks promising as a story.
I didn't think or sense it was AI.
Lots of mistakes I used to make and things I still do in my first drafts.

If I was editing it, I would tighten the dialogue tags first.
And maybe consider slightly showing more of the scene in places.

Fix things like this:

he muttered to himself—loud enough for Daion to hear. ( Contradictions make the author look bad. It's one or the other)



Delete things like:


-He leaned in with a piercing intensity that felt like it cut through Daion’s very soul.
-But his voice instantly took on a mocking tone.
-Every word dripped with irreverence.
-heavily mocking the final word

The dialogue tags took me out of reading mode and put me into editing mode despite the dialogue itself being fine.

thanks fo your comments

 

[Humanistheart]

I’ve been working on my isekai story Trapped in Another Stupid World, and I’d really appreciate some honest feedback from fellow writers and readers here.

Trapped in Yet Another Stupid World!!

'The gods are losing, and they’re throwing disposable heroes at the problem. I’m just the latest fool on the list.' When Daion wakes up in a void, faced with a sarcastic, all-powerful 'god,' he quickly realizes two things: He’s dead. His afterlife is a joke....

www.scribblehub.com

I like the idea, I might read this later. One question off the bat though ... how can an all-powerful god be losing? Sorry, I just read 2 lines so I have no sense of the context / meaning here. It's just the first thing that jumped out at me...