EliseValkyria
Competitive Professional In Being Ignored
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Hello, I recently rewrote the first chapter of my novel due to several strong complaints that the first chapters of my novel are a disaster, even though the story as a whole is excellent.
So, in an effort to improve, I am restructuring the first chapters in a very different way. Although they present the same information in theory, they present it in a very different way.
So, for now, here is the remake of my first chapter to see if this works or if I need to go back to the drawing board.
First of all, here is the original chapter if you want to compare: (I apologize for the format, somehow it got messed up on all sides.)
She stops in front of one of the doors that give access to the barracks for the pilots and looks for someone, the only person who is in the room because she made sure to have this moment alone with him.
"Good morning, Cesar," said the mysterious woman.
"You better get ready right away, soon they will make a call for your team. We will need you there," she added as she closed the door she had just used. She spoke to the only other person in the room.
"Stella!" the man replied.
He was someone of average height, but that was the only thing you could tell about him, as he was completely covered in gear. An aviator suit, gloves on his hands, and a helmet with a visor, and if that wasn't enough, he also wore a balaclava that covered his mouth.
"What are you doing here? Did someone follow you?¨ he said worriedly, since only military personnel were supposed to be on the ship.
"No," she replied, "I have already made the necessary arrangements for this little reunion.
"So what is the situation this time?" he said slightly relieved. "It must be very important for an angel to tell me the details in person?" and he was right because angels are not people who should see the living.
"Did they finally make sure to find it?"
"How did you know I was an angel?" the girl in white asked, but without the slightest hint of emotion.
The man began to list all the reasons for his conclusion.
"The door was locked from the inside."
"That you are dressed all in white."
"That you know they will call me soon."
"That an unknown woman appeared after a month at sea on an aircraft carrier, one of the safest places in the world, is strange."
" Also, we have known each other for some time now."
"I can still give arguments about it"
"As you were informed at the beginning of this operation, we have confirmed the location of the Codex," the girl said, ignoring him.
"The problem is that it is now in the custody of the I.S.C. researchers."
"They check their data quite often, so we could not infiltrate a traditional agent to get it back to recover it."
"We have worked hard to bring the conflict between the Alliance and the Empire to the North, to create what may be our best chance to win it back."
" The mission was approved 5 minutes ago."
"The I.S.C. had it the whole time!?" he said surprised at the information, and how not to be. Having worked in the Army, he knew exactly who they were. They were a multinational corporation hired by the Alliance to research and develop new weapons, pharmaceuticals, and computer equipment. If it had to do with technology and was brand new, it most likely came from them. They are so good at their job that they even got the United States Army to hire them instead of their favorite Lockheed Martin. So the new teams of the American division of the Alliance came from them. So it was dangerous for them to have something like that.
"Where did they find it?"
"At the moment we do not know," the girl replied with her usual calm face.
"Unfortunately, we have noticed that it is not the only thing they have found from the Seventh Operation."
"We think they have some other artifacts from those dark times."
"We don't know exactly what they have."
"Everything is in some sort of large capsule in their laboratories."
"The good news is that they don't know what they have right now, but that's why we have to get it back right away."
"We only have one chance." Her face changed with this sentence, it was of anger, but of the man in front of her, it was of the situation.
"Several of our infiltrated agents in the Central Command were discovered, we managed to get them out safely by pretending that they were rescued by the Empire. Needless to say, they are investigating the contacts at the moment, so we cannot do anything more to attract attention."After a short pause to regain her usual calm, she emphasized the following.
"It is expected that this may cause complications, so you will have to adapt to the situation."
"Your duty will be to take the Codex and protect it at all costs.
That's right, the next problem they would go through would be to retrieve this item. It was a crystal the size of a hand, with a bluish color. But despite its harmless appearance, it has not stopped causing problems for the angels in charge of security. Contrary to what most people would believe, this crystal was capable of granting wishes, and as if that weren't enough of a problem, it also required a HUGE PAYMENT IN ADVANCE to use. One that some people would be more than willing to sacrifice to gain access to such power, no doubt a real headache for the Angels.
"The details of the extraction are being discussed.
"We will give you more information later than we have decided.
"The Celestial Security Section with a completely improvised and unfinished plan.
"How low have they sunk," Cesar scoffed.
"I think it says a lot about the pressure to get them back, to perform like that without good preparation".
"But we just don't have any real options, this is the best due to the chaos that will result from the battle," she explained.
"What about a defense team?" he asked.
"Their success rate is almost 95% when they show up."
"The risk of the public discovering us is already quite high," she complained.
"Besides, they specialize in securing their assigned territory."
"A mission with so little preparation is better to have people who have proven to be good in desperate situations as often as you".
"Also, you will not be the only one in this, there will be several who will try to help you with what they can".
"But don't expect anything too direct.
"What do I do with my assigned tasks as a pilot?" a doubt arose from him.
"How do I retrieve the Codex, which is probably in the middle of a war zone, if I'm just supposed to fly a helicopter?
"Today you will be assigned to a transport helicopter," the girl began to explain.
"You should be able to fake a mechanical failure, we even have other infiltrated Angels ready to help you give "realism" to the situation, right now they are damaging your helicopter so that it has that problem. Then they will assist you when you fall on the battlefield to avoid further complications with enemy soldiers, they will be the same ones who will inform you about the extraction.
"After you meet them, you will act as a sniper thanks to your skill until it is time to act."
But then, thinking a bit, Cesar thinks about who the other infiltrated angels could be, because they did their job very well, because not even the one who knew about their existence and their way of acting had discovered them. But as he thought about his companions, a name came to his mind.
"Is Captain Cedric with us?" he asked, trying to guess a possible connection.
"Negative."
"He's just an ordinary Alliance officer, so you'll have to deal with him when the time comes," a direct answer from the unflappable girl.
"Well, at least I was free at the end of this "accident" as you like to call it," the young man gave up with a clearly discouraged face, despite the helmet and balaclava.
With a slight bow of apology from the girl, she added the following:
"We are sorry for all the inconvenience we have caused you.
But I have come personally to assure you that once this is done, we will finally put an end to all the loose ends left by the dragoons of the seventh operation."
Seeing that his task was finally coming to an end, he began to think about what had brought him here in the first place, and in a serious, even threatening tone, he asked, "And my sister?"
"How is her health?" he expected a positive answer, because otherwise he would throw all this away, because that was the only thing that interested him.
"Your sister was cured a long time ago, just as we promised. She has not even caught a cold since," the girl tried to comfort him, even trying to put on a smile to appear as sincere as possible, because it was important for his cooperation in the mission.
"But I cannot give more details to people who are not supposed to know with the information available through normal means." And the angel was right, it was assumed that their existence was their secret for humans, and even more that they were giving so much information to people who should not, as if it was some kind of divine revelation for common people.
"Okay."
"I will finish this and then find a way to reunite with my family, apart from trying to find an excuse for all these missing years," he said, one could intuit that he was remembering some scene with his family in the past, because now he looked calm again.
This aroused the curiosity of the girl, who asked for more details: "Haven't you told her anything yet?
"I tried to talk to her, but it was impossible to contact her for a while," he replied.
"Well, it's time for me to retire, I wish you luck in your mission.
"Everyone in heaven is counting on you one more time," the girl said as she prepared to leave the room she was in.
After this little reunion, the girl went back the way she came, again undetected by anyone but the boy.
Shortly after the warning sounded, the pilots were called to the briefing center to be told of their next mission, one that could change this war in which the world was embroiled and from which forces other than humans like the Angles were taking advantage.
And here is the new chapter rewritten:
North Sea, Norway, Europe
The airship was flying at full speed, high in the sky, below it the blue sea, but not crystal clear or beautiful, rather grayish and agitated, a storm was approaching and not just a rainstorm, the drums of war in the distance, the launch of missiles accompanied them. Inside the vehicle were three passengers, none of them human, three angels and warriors who had taken on a task that, although as simple as delivering a message, was already dangerous because of who they had to deliver it to. The pilots, on the other hand, were more excited than the girl; they were accompanied by the great heroine of Cadreth Prime, so they couldn't stop speculating about what kind of high-risk mission this was, or if they would survive it.
"I heard she was the same one who stopped the use of Nova 6 at Inferno Point."
"An elite warrior," one of them mentioned.
"Isn't she also Supervisor Serena's sister?" the youngest pilot said.
"Yes, she is, but keep your voice down, didn't you hear what happened to her?"
"She lost her position just for talking to the guy we're going to visit."
"I heard he ripped her wings off."
"It's the worst kind of pain you can go through, like having your entire spine shredded in less than 10 seconds."
"And I don't want the same thing to happen to me just because I talk too much," the veteran pilot said.
"But is this guy really the same guy from the Atlantis story?"
"You know... the one who killed the other 6 final bosses."
"Oh yeah, I heard once that he was so angry that he ripped out the eyes of the True Dragon of Death with his own hands."
"That's nothing, I heard the guy survived a plane crash during an aerial battle against enemy aces, yeah, collision with explosion, fireball and all."
"They say the expression 'too badass to die' applies to him."
"Guys, can you shut up for a moment, this is serious," the girl in the back mentioned.
"If we mess up with him in any way, we'll go back to heaven quickly without using this ship."
"And without our wings, too."
"..."
"Look at it from a different perspective."
"No matter what the stories say, he's just another man."
"That's how he sees himself, or how he lies to himself."
"And that's the only truth you should believe if you want to come back from this mission alive."
"Yeah, sure, and if he were just a normal person, why are we here in the first place?"
"We're going into a war zone between humans, that's not our problem."
"It says so in the CSS manual."
"We can't interfere with the problems of level 3 or below sentient beings."
"It's our problem because he's here."
"He's the one doing us a big favor by searching for the Codex."
"..."
"You at least know what that is, right?" Stella replied, worried about the lack of context one of the pilots had.
"Ohhh..."
"Sorry Stella, he's the new guy I told you about."
"He's exceptional as a pilot, knows the air by heart."
"The problem is that his head is also only filled with it," the old pilot mentioned.
"'Oh, well, look, in general it's simple, in short, it's a stone that grants wishes.'"
"Typical fairy tale object, you've probably heard the story a million times."
"This stone got lost in the human world, and of course it's not good for humans to use it."
"The problem, besides humans having it, is that it's also in a war zone that's well documented by journalists."
"We can't just show up and take it back without risking our existence being discovered."
"So we called Cesar to help us find it."
"He will look for it and bring it back to us," Stella replied as quickly as possible.
"Yes, but if the stone is in a war zone, why is he doing us the favor of searching for it?"
"I mean, he's going into a super dangerous combat zone where you can easily lose your life to a bullet."
"To look for a little crystal in the middle of a firefight?"
"What's in it for him?" the new guy asked, understandably.
"If he finds the stone, we'll cure his sister who's in the hospital."
"She has a serious and almost incurable disease, we'll just perform a 'small miracle' in exchange for his cooperation."
"And isn't it easier for him to find the wish stone and ask for his sister's cure himself?"
"That's because it's more than just a stupid stone."
"I just gave you the summary, but the stone requires an advance payment, a very large one."
"So it's easier to give it to us than to ask for the stone directly."
"Hey, I've got the aircraft carrier on radar, we're close."
"I'm going into stealth mode."
"Hold on to your seats, it's not easy to land on a military aircraft carrier without being detected."
" Touchdown in 5 minutes!"
The spaceship lifted its optical cloak and disappeared from sight as if by magic. The main pilot maneuvered carefully, trying not to be seen by the watchful eyes of the Alliance carrier personnel, soldiers looking for any sign of an enemy attack. But the Angels managed to position themselves beside the runway for a few seconds, long enough for the girl to jump from the transport to the ship. Once there, her officer disguise allowed her to walk among the personnel without much trouble, especially when she already knew where to go, to the pilots' barracks, a door was closed from the inside, Stella knocked on the door and greeted inside.
"Good morning, Cesar," the girl said nervously, although she managed to hide the sound.
"Are you ready for today's mission?"
"We don't have much time, you'll be called into the briefing room soon."
"Stella!"
The man inside didn't reflect anything remarkable about him, his height was average and that was his most notable feature, the rest of his body was covered by an assault soldier suit, gloves on, helmet on, goggles covering his eyes, and as if that wasn't enough, he even wore a sky mask to completely cover his face. It was no coincidence, everything was planned, his identity was hidden for more than one reason, but the main one was to reveal as little as possible of his violent past, the impression his image gave to others was almost as important as his own weapon, he knew that better than anyone, at first glance he did not seem to be the great man of the cruel tales about him, but just another mortal, exactly the impression he wanted to give, the one he wanted to be known and underestimated.
"Did anyone see you coming? Did anyone follow you?"
"No, there were no problems."
"Good, so what's the situation this time?"
"Have they finally confirmed the presence of the Codex in Oslo?" the warrior said as he loaded his weapon for the last time.
"That's right, we were able to visually confirm the target."
"The Codex is currently in the custody of the I.S.C. research team in Oslo."
"The research is being conducted with extreme caution, so it's impossible for us to get any closer or retrieve it."
"The Empire's surprise attack on the city of Oslo is our best chance to steal it without arousing suspicion."
"After all, who cares about a robbery when the whole city is under attack?" Stella replied quickly.
"The I.S.C. had it all this time? Seriously?"
"And how the hell did they manage to get it in the first place?"
The man was surprised by the angel's statement, but how could he not be, since he had joined the Alliance army he knew exactly who they were. The I.S.C. was a multinational technology company, one of the largest in the world, contracted by the Alliance, they were responsible for researching and manufacturing new weapons for the continental war, technology, vehicles, pharmaceuticals, if it was new and partially technological, it most likely had the I.S.C. logo on the side. When the United States entered the conflict and their equipment purchased from the I.S.C. reached the front lines, they were able to change the course of the war, soon the other countries of the Alliance followed suit with contracts to have their weapons as well. The fact that the Codex was under the control of such a dangerous and powerful corporation was undoubtedly bad.
"Unfortunately, Mr. Cesar, I'm afraid the only answer I can give you at the moment is that we don't know, we're as surprised by this fact as you are."
"I also regret to inform you that the Codex is not the only important thing in the possession of the I.S.C."
"As far as we know, there is at least one other object from the dark days of Atlantis."
"Unfortunately, our spy had to cut off communication the moment it was found, so we're currently trying to get it out of the country secretly."
"We believe that both objects are stored together in a large capsule."
Stella looked at Cesar, because of his equipment she couldn't even see a gesture in his body, she hoped to see if he showed any reaction, something with which she could see his feelings, something with which she could see his thoughts, but there was nothing. So instead, she plucked up courage and tried to speak as calmly as possible to make a good impression on the great warrior in front of her.
"We hope this will cause some serious complications, so please adapt to the situation as quickly as possible."
"The top priority of this mission is to retrieve and extract the Codex at all costs."
"As for getting out of the city, we're trying to set up several escape routes."
"We will inform you about them later."
"Alright, that's fine."
"But today I'm assigned as a helicopter pilot."
"What excuse will I use to infiltrate the I.S.C. lab if I'm supposed to fly over the city?"
"During transport to the war zone, you should be able to fake a mechanical failure in your helicopter."
"We even have several other Angels in the city to help you make your crash more realistic."
"In fact, right now one of them is slightly damaging the rotor of your helicopter, nothing extreme, but it will definitely convince you enough to stay on the ground with the other Alliance soldiers.
"Ah, how annoying."
"Well, at least I can finally finish my work with this 'incident,' as you like to call it."
"..."
"What about my payment?"
Stella felt a shiver run through her body when she heard him; she did her best to hide it, but she couldn't lie to herself. She was nervous to hear that the man was upset about all the extra work on this mission, just one, but hiring the survivor of Atlantis for this task, someone who had already suffered martyrdom before all this, expected a worthy payment, one that Stella didn't think just healing his sister was enough for, but the Emperor hadn't asked for any extra payment, so she and her superiors just gave the rehearsed answer.
"We are very sorry for the inconvenience caused, Oh Great and Wise Emperor."
"But if you will allow me to speak to you, I can personally assure you that once this mission is over, we will have finally tied up all the loose ends of the war against the dragons."
"I don't give a damn about the title of emperor, Atlantis, or the damn War against the Dragons."
"That's not putting food on the table these days."
"My sister, that's what I'm asking you, you shithead!"
The girl's heart almost stopped when she heard the man's obvious anger; for a moment she thought she was dead. Stella remembered the cruel way her sister had been tortured for simply upsetting the same man she was talking to now; she feared her wings would be torn off as well. But the Emperor just stood there, waiting for her answer, so one had to be given. Stella decided to just play along and suffer the problem of making it real later; it was much easier than facing his wrath, which not even the True Dragons survived.
"Your sister Maria will be cured as promised."
"We've taken care of her from the beginning; she hasn't even suffered from a simple cold, and even if this mission succeeds or not, we promise to heal her at any cost."
"...."
"Okay, that's good, it just means I have to do my part and that's it."
"I can't wait to leave the army after this and go back to my family."
"Visit my sister in the hospital and see her get discharged."
"I need to make up for a lot of lost years with my family because of all this shit," the man returned to check his equipment one last time.
The danger had passed; Stella could breathe again; she had survived. The only thing left to do was to leave the place as soon as possible to avoid any trouble, so she hurried her goodbye as much as she could.
"Okay, then, it's time for me to go."
"I wish you luck on your next mission."
"Everyone in the sky is counting on you again."
Stella bowed her head as a final gesture and turned to begin her march back among the carrier personnel, playing her role as just another officer. Her journey to the landing strip was without any major incidents; shortly after, she was able to locate her transport waiting for her nearby; she got in quickly and the vehicle started moving to leave this place as soon as possible, leaving the man in charge of this dangerous and poorly planned mission behind.
So, well, what do you think of the changes? Do you think they're better? And if so, why? Knowing that is of great help for my novel.
Thank you very much.
So, in an effort to improve, I am restructuring the first chapters in a very different way. Although they present the same information in theory, they present it in a very different way.
So, for now, here is the remake of my first chapter to see if this works or if I need to go back to the drawing board.
First of all, here is the original chapter if you want to compare: (I apologize for the format, somehow it got messed up on all sides.)
North Sea, USS Essex CVN-88
In the middle of a place as stressful as a ship on a desperate mission to battle, the rescue and defense of a city, nervous soldiers, mechanics checking planes and officers arguing, pilots checking their flight routes. There is also a silhouette that does not fit in at all. A woman in white, elegantly dressed, smiling, knows where to go because she seems to have been here many times before, but the strangest thing is that no one pays attention to her, as if she were a ghost.
She stops in front of one of the doors that give access to the barracks for the pilots and looks for someone, the only person who is in the room because she made sure to have this moment alone with him.
"Good morning, Cesar," said the mysterious woman.
"You better get ready right away, soon they will make a call for your team. We will need you there," she added as she closed the door she had just used. She spoke to the only other person in the room.
"Stella!" the man replied.
He was someone of average height, but that was the only thing you could tell about him, as he was completely covered in gear. An aviator suit, gloves on his hands, and a helmet with a visor, and if that wasn't enough, he also wore a balaclava that covered his mouth.
"What are you doing here? Did someone follow you?¨ he said worriedly, since only military personnel were supposed to be on the ship.
"No," she replied, "I have already made the necessary arrangements for this little reunion.
"So what is the situation this time?" he said slightly relieved. "It must be very important for an angel to tell me the details in person?" and he was right because angels are not people who should see the living.
"Did they finally make sure to find it?"
"How did you know I was an angel?" the girl in white asked, but without the slightest hint of emotion.
The man began to list all the reasons for his conclusion.
"The door was locked from the inside."
"That you are dressed all in white."
"That you know they will call me soon."
"That an unknown woman appeared after a month at sea on an aircraft carrier, one of the safest places in the world, is strange."
" Also, we have known each other for some time now."
"I can still give arguments about it"
"As you were informed at the beginning of this operation, we have confirmed the location of the Codex," the girl said, ignoring him.
"The problem is that it is now in the custody of the I.S.C. researchers."
"They check their data quite often, so we could not infiltrate a traditional agent to get it back to recover it."
"We have worked hard to bring the conflict between the Alliance and the Empire to the North, to create what may be our best chance to win it back."
" The mission was approved 5 minutes ago."
"The I.S.C. had it the whole time!?" he said surprised at the information, and how not to be. Having worked in the Army, he knew exactly who they were. They were a multinational corporation hired by the Alliance to research and develop new weapons, pharmaceuticals, and computer equipment. If it had to do with technology and was brand new, it most likely came from them. They are so good at their job that they even got the United States Army to hire them instead of their favorite Lockheed Martin. So the new teams of the American division of the Alliance came from them. So it was dangerous for them to have something like that.
"Where did they find it?"
"At the moment we do not know," the girl replied with her usual calm face.
"Unfortunately, we have noticed that it is not the only thing they have found from the Seventh Operation."
"We think they have some other artifacts from those dark times."
"We don't know exactly what they have."
"Everything is in some sort of large capsule in their laboratories."
"The good news is that they don't know what they have right now, but that's why we have to get it back right away."
"We only have one chance." Her face changed with this sentence, it was of anger, but of the man in front of her, it was of the situation.
"Several of our infiltrated agents in the Central Command were discovered, we managed to get them out safely by pretending that they were rescued by the Empire. Needless to say, they are investigating the contacts at the moment, so we cannot do anything more to attract attention."After a short pause to regain her usual calm, she emphasized the following.
"It is expected that this may cause complications, so you will have to adapt to the situation."
"Your duty will be to take the Codex and protect it at all costs.
That's right, the next problem they would go through would be to retrieve this item. It was a crystal the size of a hand, with a bluish color. But despite its harmless appearance, it has not stopped causing problems for the angels in charge of security. Contrary to what most people would believe, this crystal was capable of granting wishes, and as if that weren't enough of a problem, it also required a HUGE PAYMENT IN ADVANCE to use. One that some people would be more than willing to sacrifice to gain access to such power, no doubt a real headache for the Angels.
"The details of the extraction are being discussed.
"We will give you more information later than we have decided.
"The Celestial Security Section with a completely improvised and unfinished plan.
"How low have they sunk," Cesar scoffed.
"I think it says a lot about the pressure to get them back, to perform like that without good preparation".
"But we just don't have any real options, this is the best due to the chaos that will result from the battle," she explained.
"What about a defense team?" he asked.
"Their success rate is almost 95% when they show up."
"The risk of the public discovering us is already quite high," she complained.
"Besides, they specialize in securing their assigned territory."
"A mission with so little preparation is better to have people who have proven to be good in desperate situations as often as you".
"Also, you will not be the only one in this, there will be several who will try to help you with what they can".
"But don't expect anything too direct.
"What do I do with my assigned tasks as a pilot?" a doubt arose from him.
"How do I retrieve the Codex, which is probably in the middle of a war zone, if I'm just supposed to fly a helicopter?
"Today you will be assigned to a transport helicopter," the girl began to explain.
"You should be able to fake a mechanical failure, we even have other infiltrated Angels ready to help you give "realism" to the situation, right now they are damaging your helicopter so that it has that problem. Then they will assist you when you fall on the battlefield to avoid further complications with enemy soldiers, they will be the same ones who will inform you about the extraction.
"After you meet them, you will act as a sniper thanks to your skill until it is time to act."
But then, thinking a bit, Cesar thinks about who the other infiltrated angels could be, because they did their job very well, because not even the one who knew about their existence and their way of acting had discovered them. But as he thought about his companions, a name came to his mind.
"Is Captain Cedric with us?" he asked, trying to guess a possible connection.
"Negative."
"He's just an ordinary Alliance officer, so you'll have to deal with him when the time comes," a direct answer from the unflappable girl.
"Well, at least I was free at the end of this "accident" as you like to call it," the young man gave up with a clearly discouraged face, despite the helmet and balaclava.
With a slight bow of apology from the girl, she added the following:
"We are sorry for all the inconvenience we have caused you.
But I have come personally to assure you that once this is done, we will finally put an end to all the loose ends left by the dragoons of the seventh operation."
Seeing that his task was finally coming to an end, he began to think about what had brought him here in the first place, and in a serious, even threatening tone, he asked, "And my sister?"
"How is her health?" he expected a positive answer, because otherwise he would throw all this away, because that was the only thing that interested him.
"Your sister was cured a long time ago, just as we promised. She has not even caught a cold since," the girl tried to comfort him, even trying to put on a smile to appear as sincere as possible, because it was important for his cooperation in the mission.
"But I cannot give more details to people who are not supposed to know with the information available through normal means." And the angel was right, it was assumed that their existence was their secret for humans, and even more that they were giving so much information to people who should not, as if it was some kind of divine revelation for common people.
"Okay."
"I will finish this and then find a way to reunite with my family, apart from trying to find an excuse for all these missing years," he said, one could intuit that he was remembering some scene with his family in the past, because now he looked calm again.
This aroused the curiosity of the girl, who asked for more details: "Haven't you told her anything yet?
"I tried to talk to her, but it was impossible to contact her for a while," he replied.
"Well, it's time for me to retire, I wish you luck in your mission.
"Everyone in heaven is counting on you one more time," the girl said as she prepared to leave the room she was in.
After this little reunion, the girl went back the way she came, again undetected by anyone but the boy.
Shortly after the warning sounded, the pilots were called to the briefing center to be told of their next mission, one that could change this war in which the world was embroiled and from which forces other than humans like the Angles were taking advantage.
And here is the new chapter rewritten:
North Sea, Norway, Europe
7:00 a.m.
The airship was flying at full speed, high in the sky, below it the blue sea, but not crystal clear or beautiful, rather grayish and agitated, a storm was approaching and not just a rainstorm, the drums of war in the distance, the launch of missiles accompanied them. Inside the vehicle were three passengers, none of them human, three angels and warriors who had taken on a task that, although as simple as delivering a message, was already dangerous because of who they had to deliver it to. The pilots, on the other hand, were more excited than the girl; they were accompanied by the great heroine of Cadreth Prime, so they couldn't stop speculating about what kind of high-risk mission this was, or if they would survive it."I heard she was the same one who stopped the use of Nova 6 at Inferno Point."
"An elite warrior," one of them mentioned.
"Isn't she also Supervisor Serena's sister?" the youngest pilot said.
"Yes, she is, but keep your voice down, didn't you hear what happened to her?"
"She lost her position just for talking to the guy we're going to visit."
"I heard he ripped her wings off."
"It's the worst kind of pain you can go through, like having your entire spine shredded in less than 10 seconds."
"And I don't want the same thing to happen to me just because I talk too much," the veteran pilot said.
"But is this guy really the same guy from the Atlantis story?"
"You know... the one who killed the other 6 final bosses."
"Oh yeah, I heard once that he was so angry that he ripped out the eyes of the True Dragon of Death with his own hands."
"That's nothing, I heard the guy survived a plane crash during an aerial battle against enemy aces, yeah, collision with explosion, fireball and all."
"They say the expression 'too badass to die' applies to him."
"Guys, can you shut up for a moment, this is serious," the girl in the back mentioned.
"If we mess up with him in any way, we'll go back to heaven quickly without using this ship."
"And without our wings, too."
"..."
"Look at it from a different perspective."
"No matter what the stories say, he's just another man."
"That's how he sees himself, or how he lies to himself."
"And that's the only truth you should believe if you want to come back from this mission alive."
"Yeah, sure, and if he were just a normal person, why are we here in the first place?"
"We're going into a war zone between humans, that's not our problem."
"It says so in the CSS manual."
"We can't interfere with the problems of level 3 or below sentient beings."
"It's our problem because he's here."
"He's the one doing us a big favor by searching for the Codex."
"..."
"You at least know what that is, right?" Stella replied, worried about the lack of context one of the pilots had.
"Ohhh..."
"Sorry Stella, he's the new guy I told you about."
"He's exceptional as a pilot, knows the air by heart."
"The problem is that his head is also only filled with it," the old pilot mentioned.
"'Oh, well, look, in general it's simple, in short, it's a stone that grants wishes.'"
"Typical fairy tale object, you've probably heard the story a million times."
"This stone got lost in the human world, and of course it's not good for humans to use it."
"The problem, besides humans having it, is that it's also in a war zone that's well documented by journalists."
"We can't just show up and take it back without risking our existence being discovered."
"So we called Cesar to help us find it."
"He will look for it and bring it back to us," Stella replied as quickly as possible.
"Yes, but if the stone is in a war zone, why is he doing us the favor of searching for it?"
"I mean, he's going into a super dangerous combat zone where you can easily lose your life to a bullet."
"To look for a little crystal in the middle of a firefight?"
"What's in it for him?" the new guy asked, understandably.
"If he finds the stone, we'll cure his sister who's in the hospital."
"She has a serious and almost incurable disease, we'll just perform a 'small miracle' in exchange for his cooperation."
"And isn't it easier for him to find the wish stone and ask for his sister's cure himself?"
"That's because it's more than just a stupid stone."
"I just gave you the summary, but the stone requires an advance payment, a very large one."
"So it's easier to give it to us than to ask for the stone directly."
"Hey, I've got the aircraft carrier on radar, we're close."
"I'm going into stealth mode."
"Hold on to your seats, it's not easy to land on a military aircraft carrier without being detected."
" Touchdown in 5 minutes!"
The spaceship lifted its optical cloak and disappeared from sight as if by magic. The main pilot maneuvered carefully, trying not to be seen by the watchful eyes of the Alliance carrier personnel, soldiers looking for any sign of an enemy attack. But the Angels managed to position themselves beside the runway for a few seconds, long enough for the girl to jump from the transport to the ship. Once there, her officer disguise allowed her to walk among the personnel without much trouble, especially when she already knew where to go, to the pilots' barracks, a door was closed from the inside, Stella knocked on the door and greeted inside.
"Good morning, Cesar," the girl said nervously, although she managed to hide the sound.
"Are you ready for today's mission?"
"We don't have much time, you'll be called into the briefing room soon."
"Stella!"
The man inside didn't reflect anything remarkable about him, his height was average and that was his most notable feature, the rest of his body was covered by an assault soldier suit, gloves on, helmet on, goggles covering his eyes, and as if that wasn't enough, he even wore a sky mask to completely cover his face. It was no coincidence, everything was planned, his identity was hidden for more than one reason, but the main one was to reveal as little as possible of his violent past, the impression his image gave to others was almost as important as his own weapon, he knew that better than anyone, at first glance he did not seem to be the great man of the cruel tales about him, but just another mortal, exactly the impression he wanted to give, the one he wanted to be known and underestimated.
"Did anyone see you coming? Did anyone follow you?"
"No, there were no problems."
"Good, so what's the situation this time?"
"Have they finally confirmed the presence of the Codex in Oslo?" the warrior said as he loaded his weapon for the last time.
"That's right, we were able to visually confirm the target."
"The Codex is currently in the custody of the I.S.C. research team in Oslo."
"The research is being conducted with extreme caution, so it's impossible for us to get any closer or retrieve it."
"The Empire's surprise attack on the city of Oslo is our best chance to steal it without arousing suspicion."
"After all, who cares about a robbery when the whole city is under attack?" Stella replied quickly.
"The I.S.C. had it all this time? Seriously?"
"And how the hell did they manage to get it in the first place?"
The man was surprised by the angel's statement, but how could he not be, since he had joined the Alliance army he knew exactly who they were. The I.S.C. was a multinational technology company, one of the largest in the world, contracted by the Alliance, they were responsible for researching and manufacturing new weapons for the continental war, technology, vehicles, pharmaceuticals, if it was new and partially technological, it most likely had the I.S.C. logo on the side. When the United States entered the conflict and their equipment purchased from the I.S.C. reached the front lines, they were able to change the course of the war, soon the other countries of the Alliance followed suit with contracts to have their weapons as well. The fact that the Codex was under the control of such a dangerous and powerful corporation was undoubtedly bad.
"Unfortunately, Mr. Cesar, I'm afraid the only answer I can give you at the moment is that we don't know, we're as surprised by this fact as you are."
"I also regret to inform you that the Codex is not the only important thing in the possession of the I.S.C."
"As far as we know, there is at least one other object from the dark days of Atlantis."
"Unfortunately, our spy had to cut off communication the moment it was found, so we're currently trying to get it out of the country secretly."
"We believe that both objects are stored together in a large capsule."
Stella looked at Cesar, because of his equipment she couldn't even see a gesture in his body, she hoped to see if he showed any reaction, something with which she could see his feelings, something with which she could see his thoughts, but there was nothing. So instead, she plucked up courage and tried to speak as calmly as possible to make a good impression on the great warrior in front of her.
"We hope this will cause some serious complications, so please adapt to the situation as quickly as possible."
"The top priority of this mission is to retrieve and extract the Codex at all costs."
"As for getting out of the city, we're trying to set up several escape routes."
"We will inform you about them later."
"Alright, that's fine."
"But today I'm assigned as a helicopter pilot."
"What excuse will I use to infiltrate the I.S.C. lab if I'm supposed to fly over the city?"
"During transport to the war zone, you should be able to fake a mechanical failure in your helicopter."
"We even have several other Angels in the city to help you make your crash more realistic."
"In fact, right now one of them is slightly damaging the rotor of your helicopter, nothing extreme, but it will definitely convince you enough to stay on the ground with the other Alliance soldiers.
"Ah, how annoying."
"Well, at least I can finally finish my work with this 'incident,' as you like to call it."
"..."
"What about my payment?"
Stella felt a shiver run through her body when she heard him; she did her best to hide it, but she couldn't lie to herself. She was nervous to hear that the man was upset about all the extra work on this mission, just one, but hiring the survivor of Atlantis for this task, someone who had already suffered martyrdom before all this, expected a worthy payment, one that Stella didn't think just healing his sister was enough for, but the Emperor hadn't asked for any extra payment, so she and her superiors just gave the rehearsed answer.
"We are very sorry for the inconvenience caused, Oh Great and Wise Emperor."
"But if you will allow me to speak to you, I can personally assure you that once this mission is over, we will have finally tied up all the loose ends of the war against the dragons."
"I don't give a damn about the title of emperor, Atlantis, or the damn War against the Dragons."
"That's not putting food on the table these days."
"My sister, that's what I'm asking you, you shithead!"
The girl's heart almost stopped when she heard the man's obvious anger; for a moment she thought she was dead. Stella remembered the cruel way her sister had been tortured for simply upsetting the same man she was talking to now; she feared her wings would be torn off as well. But the Emperor just stood there, waiting for her answer, so one had to be given. Stella decided to just play along and suffer the problem of making it real later; it was much easier than facing his wrath, which not even the True Dragons survived.
"Your sister Maria will be cured as promised."
"We've taken care of her from the beginning; she hasn't even suffered from a simple cold, and even if this mission succeeds or not, we promise to heal her at any cost."
"...."
"Okay, that's good, it just means I have to do my part and that's it."
"I can't wait to leave the army after this and go back to my family."
"Visit my sister in the hospital and see her get discharged."
"I need to make up for a lot of lost years with my family because of all this shit," the man returned to check his equipment one last time.
The danger had passed; Stella could breathe again; she had survived. The only thing left to do was to leave the place as soon as possible to avoid any trouble, so she hurried her goodbye as much as she could.
"Okay, then, it's time for me to go."
"I wish you luck on your next mission."
"Everyone in the sky is counting on you again."
Stella bowed her head as a final gesture and turned to begin her march back among the carrier personnel, playing her role as just another officer. Her journey to the landing strip was without any major incidents; shortly after, she was able to locate her transport waiting for her nearby; she got in quickly and the vehicle started moving to leave this place as soon as possible, leaving the man in charge of this dangerous and poorly planned mission behind.
So, well, what do you think of the changes? Do you think they're better? And if so, why? Knowing that is of great help for my novel.
Thank you very much.
