Looking for feedback on my story, is it readable ?

[HnpeDa]

Hey everyone,
I’m a young writer and just started posting my story Edenic Decay here on Scribble Hub.


It’s a dark sci-fi world about eight dynasties ruling a decaying city powered by a strange metal called kjarnium. The main character is an orphan with a mechanical heart, trapped between vengeance, truth, and madness. There’s a lot of lore and foreshadowing — small details that pay off later — so I’m wondering if it’s engaging or just too much to follow at first.


Also, English isn’t my first language, and I use AI assistance to translate and polish my writing. I know that can put some people off, but I’m doing my best to keep the voice human and consistent. I’d really appreciate any honest feedback about clarity, flow, and whether it keeps you reading.


Thanks a lot for your time — and for anyone who reads, even a few lines mean a lot.

Edenic Decay

They burned my father for telling the truth. The fire took our home, our name, everything that made me human. Now I live in the rot, the lower-city of Sutokhai — a city floating on lies and powered by stolen light. The kings above call it order. I call it decay....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Rookieqw]

Hey everyone,
I’m a young writer and just started posting my story Edenic Decay here on Scribble Hub.


It’s a dark sci-fi world about eight dynasties ruling a decaying city powered by a strange metal called kjarnium. The main character is an orphan with a mechanical heart, trapped between vengeance, truth, and madness. There’s a lot of lore and foreshadowing — small details that pay off later — so I’m wondering if it’s engaging or just too much to follow at first.


Also, English isn’t my first language, and I use AI assistance to translate and polish my writing. I know that can put some people off, but I’m doing my best to keep the voice human and consistent. I’d really appreciate any honest feedback about clarity, flow, and whether it keeps you reading.


Thanks a lot for your time — and for anyone who reads, even a few lines mean a lot.

Edenic Decay

They burned my father for telling the truth. The fire took our home, our name, everything that made me human. Now I live in the rot, the lower-city of Sutokhai — a city floating on lies and powered by stolen light. The kings above call it order. I call it decay....

www.scribblehub.com

Hello, sorry about the waiting.

First thing that I've noticed. You are writing in the past tense. But this is present tense:

« YOU ARE BLEEDING THE EARTH DRY! » My father's voice pierced the ceiling.

A laugh. Cold.

In addition to it, this feels a bit like screenplay or something that would work in a webcomic, not in novel.

Then, nothing. Just a murmur I couldn't understand. A murmur that froze the air.

Unless it is magic, the sentence doesn't make any sense. Maybe a murmur that silenced any objections? Not sure how it should be. I get what you're going for; it's just not the correct term to use here.

« Dad? »

Nothing wrong here, but in English people usually use either "Dad" or 'Dad'. I prefer the first variant.

My mother bursting in, her face blackened, her eyes wild.

She pulls me. I resist.

« No! Dad is downstairs! »

« Your father told us to leave! »

A servant smashes a window. Shards fall.

I'm pushed. I'm dragged.

I struggle. I scream.

Then... silence.

That silence that precedes the apocalypse.
Then chaos.
The explosion.
That sound.
Not a rumble. Not a roar. A monstrous crack that tore the night apart, as if the world itself was splitting in two. A sound so violent you didn't hear it—you felt it, in your bones, in your teeth, in your heart.

The blast threw me against the wall. The burning breath licked my face.

When I opened my eyes, the manor was nothing but an inferno.
The flames were too perfect. Too blue. Too organized.
This was no accident.

I woke up in the servant's arms, in the middle of the street. People were screaming. Sirens wailed. The Neville manor was burning like a giant torch.

Again, it would do better with visual storytelling. I saw similar exposition on comic book pages. In a novel it gives us not enough.

But that's not the biggest issue. Reread it with me. Where did the servant come from? Only the mother entered based on your explanation. Is she the servant? It's confusing.

My father. Standing. Surrounded by fire.

I woke up in the servant's arms, in the middle of the street. People were screaming. Sirens wailed. The Neville manor was burning like a giant torch.

Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't seem feasible, unless the MC is imagining seeing his father.

And I wondered: Was I avenging him? Or was I just looking for an excuse to destroy?

We don't even know what the MC was doing.

In short, you have ideas. And an outline for a potentially interesting event. The execution was lacking. It is a revenge story, but we don't know anything about the MC to care, and his personality changes in the very first chapter. Besides, from a narrative standpoint, it feels like he was born in a rich family, then ended up among those who have little and began abusing them, while telling himself that he is avenging his family, who were killed by some rich pricks.

It doesn't exactly make him a likeable person or an interesting villain, considering he doesn't know what he even wants. You need to either start from a different point of the story or to somehow hook a reader to make them care for the MC.

 

[Shadowless3]

I would like anyone to check to see my story too. Some say me it is draggy but I like it the way it is. Could anyone give me an advice. I prefer it this way but idk why it don't get enough attention. It is new here cause I recently uploaded it here but on WebNovel I did 2 month ago but it's worse

Beneath the Crown

Born of royal blood but raised in shadows, she lives among the streets. A bright, reckless spirit with a hidden past and a secret only her sister knows. Careless, curious, and untamed, she has no interest in kingdoms, crowns, or fate. A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past, she hides...

www.scribblehub.com