Looking for feedback on my first story

[aboutboys]

Hi,
It's my first novel, a gothic vampire bl fantasy. I'm really unsure and the more I reread it the worse it looks.
If you are interested I'd like feedback on it. Honest even brutal feedback is welcome.
This is the link , thanks in advice.

TILL DEATH DO US PART

Two vampires on the edge of self-destruction find a dangerous salvation in each other’s arms. Mortis is dying slowly. Cazmir is tired of burning too hot. When they collide, it is with a passion so fierce that one taste is all it takes to bind them irrevocably. Beyond their...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Xcalibur_Xc]

Then go to the Story Feedback. Here majority are authors and this thread isn't for promotion.

 

[aboutboys]

Ok

 

[DismaiNaim]

I couldn't finish the first chapter, sorry.

First, the prose reads as a rough draft. There's poor comma usage, word repetition, and in some places explicitly stated motives that are better left unsaid.

My recommendation is to feed this into a text reader and listen to it. Anything that doesn't sound right, fix it.

Second, the intro lacks a hook. I can't tell what's what, what's going on, or why I'm reading this. What is this feeling you've trying to inspire?

As for the premise, the vampire goes back to some order and is told to hunt someone, shows promise. Just needs a lot of polish IMHO

 

[aboutboys]

Okay thanks for the feedback I can see what you're saying I'll go over it again