Okay. Romance and Rom-com ain't my main deal.
But, yet another new member showing up. "Hey! Tell me what you think!"
Things you did right, before I read word one...
you posted it in the feedback section, which seems to put you at the head of the pack.
(usually they stick it somewhere else, I'm going to make a training video with you. lol)
Let's start with my impression of the title.
Barry's Bad Luck.
I instantly know some basic premise.
Barry, and he's going to be some lovable goof or a try-hard sad sack.
The tiny thing I *don't* like about the title...
I like (love, lol) the alliteration of "Barry's Bad", but... the "Luck" just stops it cold.
In my head, saying it many times fast? "Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry" seems to really roll off the tongue.
So. Chapter one.
------------------------
wow.
everything seems well crafted. No obvious spelling or grammar errors.
some sort of a polish to it all.
No info dumping in this first chapter.
dialogue isn't the easiest thing to do, and you seem to do it effortlessly.
I don't even personally like this genre, and I still get a little movie in my head reading.
there ain't *no* way this is your first attempt at writing.
great job, OP.
now. You did ask specific questions, let's get to those...
---How was the pacing?
I didn't get any weirdness to the movie in my head. so it must be fine.
---Was it easy to read?
Yes. Young girls that can read will have no problems following along.
But it isn't obvious that its been toned down for younger readers, so it keeps its smoothness
---And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV.
I don't concern myself with specifics. I just... r-e-a-d.
if the movie in my head appears? all good.
if the movie stutters, that's bad. Yours has no stutters, so again, all good.
Me? I worry about three things. Writing quality, smoothness, flow.
it works or it doesn't. you? This works.
EDITOR'S NOTE: you asked about POV and what seems to be some kind of narrative question.
I'm not qualified to answer that. But, I know someone who IS. Watch. I'm going to summon?
"...the Oracle"
@Eldoria
The Oracle? knows all, and will conduct a little "Ted Talk" on what I call "Narrative calculus".
that's *if* the Oracle shows up. The oracle is busy, you have to pray and wish.
the Oracle can make sure you handled your ninth person with fifth person derivative properly.
barring anything else, based on chapter one? Great job.
Okay. Romance and Rom-com ain't my main deal.
But, yet another new member showing up. "Hey! Tell me what you think!"
Things you did right, before I read word one...
you posted it in the feedback section, which seems to put you at the head of the pack.
(usually they stick it somewhere else, I'm going to make a training video with you. lol)
Let's start with my impression of the title.
Barry's Bad Luck.
I instantly know some basic premise.
Barry, and he's going to be some lovable goof or a try-hard sad sack.
The tiny thing I *don't* like about the title...
I like (love, lol) the alliteration of "Barry's Bad", but... the "Luck" just stops it cold.
In my head, saying it many times fast? "Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry, Bad Luck Barry" seems to really roll off the tongue.
So. Chapter one.
------------------------
wow.
everything seems well crafted. No obvious spelling or grammar errors.
some sort of a polish to it all.
No info dumping in this first chapter.
dialogue isn't the easiest thing to do, and you seem to do it effortlessly.
I don't even personally like this genre, and I still get a little movie in my head reading.
there ain't *no* way this is your first attempt at writing.
great job, OP.
now. You did ask specific questions, let's get to those...
---How was the pacing?
I didn't get any weirdness to the movie in my head. so it must be fine.
---Was it easy to read?
Yes. Young girls that can read will have no problems following along.
But it isn't obvious that its been toned down for younger readers, so it keeps its smoothness
---And how is my main character as the narrator, since almost the entire story is in his POV.
I don't concern myself with specifics. I just... r-e-a-d.
if the movie in my head appears? all good.
if the movie stutters, that's bad. Yours has no stutters, so again, all good.
Me? I worry about three things. Writing quality, smoothness, flow.
it works or it doesn't. you? This works.
EDITOR'S NOTE: you asked about POV and what seems to be some kind of narrative question.
I'm not qualified to answer that. But, I know someone who IS. Watch. I'm going to summon?
"...the Oracle"
@Eldoria
The Oracle? knows all, and will conduct a little "Ted Talk" on what I call "Narrative calculus".
that's *if* the Oracle shows up. The oracle is busy, you have to pray and wish.
the Oracle can make sure you handled your ninth person with fifth person derivative properly.
barring anything else, based on chapter one? Great job.
Sh!t
I'm an idiot
I clicked on the last chapter, not the first.
so I read the (cafeteria) not the opening chapter.
screw it... I have to read another chapter...
Chapter 1-1
its still got that "cafeteria" polish.
A rich blend of what I have come to call "real paragraphs" with some "one sentence" thud-lines, for emphasis.
Nice.
tiny niggle?
most periods of ellipsis (...) can be eliminated and replaced by a comma, a period, etc etc.
you don't have ellipsis-itis, but watch it.
Hey, I had to fight to come up with something, you;re good at this.
(and if you read my work? you're seeing my own "ellipsis-itis" I have since learned to cure. I'm in the process of editing it all out.)
every once in a while, I get a *very* slight stutter.
the girl says "what is up with that teacher" and It seems off. "What's up with that teacher" to me sounds more normal for a middle-schooler.
some english teachers teach/preach to not use contractions, ignore that in creative writing and go for what flows smooth-est.
Chapter 1-2
Hm. You suddenly shifted to single sentence paragraphs.
I'm sad.
I'm seeing you're in danger of falling into ellipsis-itis.
Chapter 1-1 and chapter 1-3 have this slow, even, smooth, pacing.
this chapter, shifted to quick pace. Single sentences come and go. quick.
I'm in love with 1-1 and 1-3. warm and expressive.
1-2 is somehow different. clips and rushes.
maybe that's intentional.
PS - I gave 1-1 and 1-3 a heart (like)
overall, I have soft spot in my heart for the sad-sack MC
who can't help but cheer for the underdog. lovable goof.
when the pacing is slow, smooth, even... its got the magic. (1-1 and 1-3)
when it starts to rip! along (1-2) I feel like I'm being tugged along at the wrist by an adult to hurry up.
when you use paragraphs and all dialogue, its got the magic.
