Looking for feedback on LitRPG story.

[Azrie]

So a bit of context for my story, it's a dungeon core LitRPG in which the protagonist is nowhere near strong, and she faces a lot of struggles and hardships on her journey. I am generally looking for critical feedback about what you think could improve for the story (since I feel like there is enough reading content already.) Some of you might have seen my story, I am simply looking for things to improve, so I figured this would be the right place.

Title:
Leah, Reincarnated As a Dungeon Core!

Synopsis:

Spoiler

“Everyone wants to help someone; be someone. Sometimes it's possible, sometimes the tides of fate take over. How does it feel⁠— being at the hands of fate for an entire life. I wonder, how would it be? To be free…” ⁠— Leah

Unbeknownst to him being reincarnated in the middle of an ancient process; a sacred ritual, a ritual that has been disrupted⁠ — broken. A natural enemy of humanity, and now an enemy of its own kind, and an unhelpful LitRPG system. How will he get out of this mess?

...

Upgrade path to dungeon failed?! Like I'd care!

[Title acquired⁠⁠—
Don't give me a stupid title!

Ehh... I became a girl?! Although, that's the least of my worries…
What's wrong with being a different race?! It's because of the ears, isn't it?!

Leah, Reincarnated As a Dungeon Core!

“Everyone wants to help someone; be someone. Sometimes it's possible, sometimes the tides of fate take over. How does it feel⁠— being at the hands of fate for an entire life. I wonder, how would it be? To be free…” ⁠— Leah Unbeknownst to him being reincarnated in the middle of...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Shaiyamine]

Your story seems to have a solid general direction, the writing is also pretty ok from what I've seen and I have no complaints with the pacing. Your story is in first person and doesn't have much of the pet peeves I have with the writing style.

Your story looks pretty stable to me from what I've read. The advice I can give you now is pretty much world building advice.

Try to map out your main character's current vicinity, if you can go farther then better. Try to outline each country's politics and religion. Then note their culture like their common practices and clothing articles. This map will help in the long run because the culture in a certain area can affect how a character reacts towards others. Coloring your side characters with different ethnicity can give life to a story with the diversity of personalities. Note that you can also do this to unnamed mob characters and not only the named side characters.

As your main protagonist interacts with more people she'll get to widen her perspective and see more of the world, as the author it is you who will give her that world so I suggest mapping it out early on. It will also be easier to develop the characteristics of each character if you give them a goal and a reason to reach that goal. You can keep it simple and build on that.

Example: Main protagonist's goal is to live. Live how? and why does she want to live?

Once you know the answer it becomes easier to write because when you know what the character wants you can build tension by blocking the path to get that want, also you can create a huge conflict when what the character wants is not what the character needs to be a better person or to achieve the goal this character wants.

You can also find inspiration for story flow by looking into story templates like the Hero's Journey or watch short films from Pixar or Gobelins and analyze how they did their stories.

 

[Azrie]

You hit the nail in the coffin, she wants to live, but why? It's something I've struggled with since the start of the story. Although thanks for the solid feedback, it truly is useful.

 

[Shaiyamine]

You hit the nail in the coffin, she wants to live, but why? It's something I've struggled with since the start of the story. Although thanks for the solid feedback, it truly is useful.

No problemo. Don't push yourself too hard to get the reason for why your character wants to live because it doesn't really need to be huge and grand. It could simply be because she wants to see the world, or she likes to see the sun rise and decides it's worth living another day to see that. The reason can be simple but for the character it is an important thing so the build up for this should be appropriate.