Looking for feedback on contemporary queer comedy/romance in progress (even if you're cis het!)

[KayAyBee]

Howdy. I'm writing my first original fiction novel, "We Interrupt This Transition" and while I like the traction it's getting and how well it's going so far, it turns out that 90% of my audience is trans-women, and the other 10% is some other flavor of genderqueer.

And don't get me wrong. There are trans women a-plenty in it, but I want this to be the kind of novel that cis people would like to read and get a kick out of, just like you didn't have to be a woman to like the Barbie movie, or you didn't have to be Black to enjoy Black Panther.

I'd love for y'all to take a look at it? I've got 8 chapters, which is pretty much the first third of the book, and 40k words, but any chapter is around 7k words. If you do decide to pick only one chapter, I'd recommend Chapter 7.

Of course if you'd like to read the whole thing, you can do so here: We Interrupt This Transition

SYNOPSIS:

British showrunner Sam Culver and smarmy semi-retired game show host Jimmy Howard reach out to the Garden Alpha streaming service, hoping they'll greenlight their new sure-fire hit for production. But in order to make the pitch look good in comparison, they come up with an idea they have no intention of making, a cynical exploitative reality show which asks cisgender men if they would transition for a million dollars.

They didn't expect that young programming executive Daria Bryant would go for the idea.

Thank you!

 

[greyblob]

read ch7 and immediately disliked the opening characters. they are condescending and patronizing. it was like seeing men talk about how stupid and useless women are. just overall unpleasent. next scene is 2 of these characters comforting daria. I lost intrest there.

 

[LoneQuack]

I can make around a hundred or so black jokes that many black people would enjoy, yet I’m confident that you wouldn’t be laughing.

I hope this subtle comment helps you understand why you aren’t attracting your intended audience.

 

[KayAyBee]

oof.

 

[fayethemouse]

Hey! So not cishet but... Lemme type as I read. Hope it's helpful!

---

There's a touch too much editorializing and "telling" to me? Not excessively so --

Sam thought about that for a bit, and realized Jimmy had a point.

vs maybe

Sam thought about that for a bit. She made a soft grumble into her drink.

But a little less obviousness might help? This is also stylistic and POV-driven, so y'know. Grains of salt.

---

And honestly? That's the main thing. Typically in critique/feedback I can line-item even the first chapter and be like "ok this needs a major refresh."

On the other hand, this took a bit to catch its footing but I'm in by the end of the first chapter. And maybe that's critique in itself - that first bit isn't particularly grabbing and I only got to where things pick up because I wanted to give it a fair shake.

Because of the way you explain some of the trans stuff with the MC being cis, I do think that there's a bit of crossover appeal, but it's gonna be a reach at all to appeal to the straights.

I think it's also the subject matter - like I can tell it's gonna be realistic dramedy. That's got its niche, but it's a hard one to get an audience for in really any format. It's not genre fic, it's not something with clear and easy tropes to follow. But it ain't bad by any stretch.

---

“I need to pee.”

Me too. Brb. But gonna read more than just the first chapter.

 

[fayethemouse]

As I'm reading through, there's a few one-liners here and there that if it were a final edit might have to be the darling that must be killed. But it's not a final edit, and I chuckled. So, make of that what you will.

“It’s the same Cybertruck. They haven’t found a way to put out the fire yet.”

---

I do think - and ugh, maybe it's just hitting close to home - the conversation with the mother is a bit long and on-the-nose. Maybe not. (and later, I think one of the characters in Chapter 3 is not on the nose enough, but I totally get not wanting to drop a slur)

Again though, as soon as it drags, you do a great job of dropping it to move on.

---

One thing that I'm in awe of is the dialogue, which actually mostly feels mostly real, and feels unforced in a way I'd like in my own writing tbh.

Anyway, I'll stop blabbing - this is fine! Keep going. You'll clean it up on editing. (That said I totally get the need for headpats with writing. I defs need 'em.)