Just wanted to say thanks

[RadicalMongoose13]

Just wanted to say thank you to the people who have given my work a chance and who plan on coming back as new chapters release. ?? It truly means the world to me.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

where's your book

 

[RadicalMongoose13]

The title is "Second Age: Of Men and Gods"
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2138363/second-age-of-men-and-gods/ and can be found here ?

 

[Eldoria]

Well, I'll give you some feedback to make your chapter 'easy to read' on mobile (readtable and mobile friendly):

(1) Make short paragraphs of 1-3 sentences.

(2) Separate dialogue between characters to keep the reader's focus.

(3) Give a character tag to indicate who is speaking. Even if you are talking to a stranger - at least give a specific character, for example, the blonde woman said, instead of just that woman. That way, the reader won't be confused and can identify who is speaking.

(4) Separate the setting description from the dialogue.

(5) Combine body language and dialogue only if they have one meaning.

Note:
If you are asking for feedback, it's best to create a thread at authors>>Story Feedback.

Don't just put a thread anywhere if you don't want to be accused of covert promotion.

Hope this helps.

Regards.

 

[RadicalMongoose13]

Well, I'll give you some feedback to make your chapter 'easy to read' on mobile (readtable and mobile friendly):

(1) Make short paragraphs of 1-3 sentences.

(2) Separate dialogue between characters to keep the reader's focus.

(3) Give a character tag to indicate who is speaking. Even if you are talking to a stranger - at least give a specific character, for example, the blonde woman said, instead of just that woman. That way, the reader won't be confused and can identify who is speaking.

(4) Separate the setting description from the dialogue.

(5) Combine body language and dialogue only if they have one meaning.

Note:
If you are asking for feedback, it's best to create a thread at authors>>Story Feedback.

Don't just put a thread anywhere if you don't want to be accused of covert promotion.

Hope this helps.

Regards.

my writing style is my writing style. I won't apologize if the "format" isn't for everyone.

 

[Eldoria]

my writing style is my writing style. I won't apologize if the "format" isn't for everyone.

Well, have a nice day.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

my writing style is my writing style. I won't apologize if the "format" isn't for everyone.

There's such a thing as "being different" and then there's "being so different that you drive people away in droves" - be careful to walk that line...

 

[RadicalMongoose13]

There's such a thing as "being different" and then there's "being so different that you drive people away in droves" - be careful to walk that line...

I'm not aiming for universal appeal. I'm writing for the people who connect with or find meaning in the material. Those are who I am focused on But thank you for the concern.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

Hm. a maverick, eh.
now I *gotta* read his first chapter.
*scratches his chin*
"who's an edgy boy... yeah... that's my edgy boy."
relax, just teasing you. I'm sure the intellectual bad boy thing you got going on, drives the art hoes at starbucks wild.
more power to you. But I am going to read the first chap.
see what you got going on. sound like it might be different. I like different, sometimes.

Well, have a nice day.

hi eldoria.

The title is "Second Age: Of Men and Gods"
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2138363/second-age-of-men-and-gods/ and can be found here ?

cover. decent. heavy dark theme. i like that.
blurb. short and sweet, promising... *epic*
this is beeethoven, not mozart. I dig.

spelling, no issues
grammar, one or two tiny things I'd adjust, not enough to complain at all.
decent prose. you can write.
nice vocabulary.
I don't like personally to do any inline dialogue, I separate dialogue fully, as if its own paragraph.
but that's a style thing, not any valid complaint.

I went back and read it slower in my head the second time, mentally changing the all present tense, to the more normal past tense.
I think that would take some of the jagged-ness out of it, really smooth the flow out.
again, a style thing. not a valid complaint

*shrugs*
it lives up to the epic cover and the epic short blurb.
I at first was put off by the too handsome, the snark, the long hair and goth aesthetic of both him and discord.
I was imagining... oh, giant OP. another wisecracking OP MC who cant lose
yet...i take it back, quick. he can be hurt, he can be fucked with. he can get frustrated.

I thought the prettier and more feminine acting demi god, playing footsies, hinting at where he was going to s-t-a-y... thought maybe he'll end up in her floating panties later, maybe. she could have been making a pass at him.

Over all? I like it. I stand by the smoothness of going all traditional past tense and holding it, would flow better.
just an opinion. same with complete dialogue separation.
sorry I teased you a bit. I liked it, overall.
I was suspecting an all goth-fest, snark-fest.
no.
and I admit. I'm curious, what discord left in him. how he plans on getting his power back.

nice job.
and yeah, its different. I like that.

you *might* wanna give a second thought to eldoria's suggestions, or not
getting on peoples phones, is to get widespread reader appeal.
personally, I like regular paragraphs, but its a reality of the WN medium.
but the story, style, tone... fits right in with existing tropes while still being a little different.
the length is WN format, even if the paragraphing isn't

*shrugs*

curious to see where the next couple chapters go.

excellent first chap effort. left you five stars.
its up to you to figure out a way to get this in front of peoples eyes, though.

its nice you stopped at chap one, You can now play with it, like clay before you get too big to change the horse midstream.
I'd make a couple mnore versions of this chap, while things are small and quick to play with. past tense first person, see if separating dialoge and breaking the paragraphs up just a hair might slide you into WN format.

what you do with one paragraph, two in a row might do the same thing.
I'm not trying to control you, I'm trying to find a way to get you in front of WN readers, who I could see potentially eating this up.
its got a lot maybe going for it.
keep up the good work. I marked you for reading it.

There's such a thing as "being different" and then there's "being so different that you drive people away in droves" - be careful to walk that line...

pity though if he doesn't find a line to walk. I enjoyed the first chapter. has great potential.
decent dialog and characters.