Just want a quick review for my novel

[Genesis_King]

Started a new novel a few days ago and thought that at least should get some feedback about how it seems to others. For me it seems perfect but with others help it will be perefction itself.

Echoes of Home

Neth just wanted to rest a little. But opening his eyes, he found himself in a completely different world. Yet all hope was not lost and there seemed a way to go back. He accepted his identity and became part of this new world. However, plans cannot keep up with...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Eldoria]

This fiction is quite good. I found it to have personal stakes in the family relationship (mother and younger sister), which makes it feel personal and emotional for the reader. However, I've only skimmed chapter 1. I've added it to my bookmarks and will provide feedback once I've finished reading it.

 

[TheIcMan]

Formatting needs some work, and so does the sentence structures. They're all the same long sentences with multiple parts.

 

[mythosandmagic]

It's a bit heavy on the narrator's voice.
Remember, show, don't tell.

 

[Anonjohn20]

Started a new novel a few days ago and thought that at least should get some feedback about how it seems to others. For me it seems perfect but with others help it will be perefction itself.

Echoes of Home

Neth just wanted to rest a little. But opening his eyes, he found himself in a completely different world. Yet all hope was not lost and there seemed a way to go back. He accepted his identity and became part of this new world. However, plans cannot keep up with...

www.scribblehub.com

No futas. 0/10

LOL JK

 

[Joyager2]

On a micro-level, you start a lot of your sentences with participle phrases. While not the worst thing in the world, I'd go back and see where it would be possible to change up your sentence structure a bit. You also occasionally talk to your reader, reciting cliches and asking rhetorical questions. It's an acceptable, if outdated, practice, but it requires a tightening of your narration to present your narrator as a character in their own right. Otherwise, it muddles the third person point of view you're working with through the rest of the narrative.

On a larger scale, your characterization is a little uneven. You do a great job with Elea early on in Chapter 1, but Neth is a little lacking. We're told about him from his mother's point of view, we see a bit of his principles though the interactions he has throughout the morning of your first chapter, but by the time the story gets going and Neth is killed by the fissure, we still don't really know much about him. We've seen his ordinary world but not how he navigates it or what he thinks of it. I think the conversation he and Ronan have beneath the tree would be a great place to get some of this done. How does Neth feel about Ronan's future? What is his own future, and how does he feel about it? Is there something that he wants, something that is consuming his thoughts, something that he might share with his friend? Perhaps something that is complicated by the events of the story?

This is especially important considering the crux of the narrative. If your story is about the difficulty of navigating life while retaining memories from a past life, then Neth must be a strong character who is in constant conflict with himself--with Evan. After Chapter 2, this stops being the case, really. Neth becomes Evan, and Evan is mostly unconcerned with Neth's life. It's understandable that he would eventually cool to some aspects of being Evan after years or recognizing that there is no other choice, but the cracks of that conflict should still be apparent. Neth spent his life pursing some goal or attempting to live up to someone's expectations (I'm sure, even though it's not specified in the story). Now that he is Evan, who has a different life, are his attainable goals different? Are the expectations of him different? How does he approach which are worth following--the dreams of his new life or of his old? Given that Neth's characterization is flimsy and that Evan has very little at all, these kinds of conflicts (which should be central to your story) are missing.

I think you have a really solid idea here, but your execution could use a little work.

 

[Genesis_King]

On a micro-level, you start a lot of your sentences with participle phrases. While not the worst thing in the world, I'd go back and see where it would be possible to change up your sentence structure a bit. You also occasionally talk to your reader, reciting cliches and asking rhetorical questions. It's an acceptable, if outdated, practice, but it requires a tightening of your narration to present your narrator as a character in their own right. Otherwise, it muddles the third person point of view you're working with through the rest of the narrative.

On a larger scale, your characterization is a little uneven. You do a great job with Elea early on in Chapter 1, but Neth is a little lacking. We're told about him from his mother's point of view, we see a bit of his principles though the interactions he has throughout the morning of your first chapter, but by the time the story gets going and Neth is killed by the fissure, we still don't really know much about him. We've seen his ordinary world but not how he navigates it or what he thinks of it. I think the conversation he and Ronan have beneath the tree would be a great place to get some of this done. How does Neth feel about Ronan's future? What is his own future, and how does he feel about it? Is there something that he wants, something that is consuming his thoughts, something that he might share with his friend? Perhaps something that is complicated by the events of the story?

This is especially important considering the crux of the narrative. If your story is about the difficulty of navigating life while retaining memories from a past life, then Neth must be a strong character who is in constant conflict with himself--with Evan. After Chapter 2, this stops being the case, really. Neth becomes Evan, and Evan is mostly unconcerned with Neth's life. It's understandable that he would eventually cool to some aspects of being Evan after years or recognizing that there is no other choice, but the cracks of that conflict should still be apparent. Neth spent his life pursing some goal or attempting to live up to someone's expectations (I'm sure, even though it's not specified in the story). Now that he is Evan, who has a different life, are his attainable goals different? Are the expectations of him different? How does he approach which are worth following--the dreams of his new life or of his old? Given that Neth's characterization is flimsy and that Evan has very little at all, these kinds of conflicts (which should be central to your story) are missing.

I think you have a really solid idea here, but your execution could use a little work.

First of all thank you for reading my story. From your observation it seems that my large winded sentences are hard for readers to follow so I will look into where they could be changed and shortened. And I tried to write the character's thoughts but it seems it came out the wrong way and seems its my pov so I will brush it up a bit. And thank you for liking Elea. In case of Neth I am intentionally going with less emotional fluctuations for now as it becomes tiresome if the character is always caught in his own thoughts and for a big reveal later, but it seems that I went about it the wrong way. I will try to correct some of those in the coming days. Once again I am very thankful for your honest and genuine advice. Please continue to support me .

 

[Joyager2]

First of all thank you for reading my story. From your observation it seems that my large winded sentences are hard for readers to follow so I will look into where they could be changed and shortened.

Your sentences aren’t necessarily too long-winded (they’re maybe half the length of mine on average), it’s that you use the same structure too frequently. Variation is a better solution than cutting down your sentences.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

not that what I'm about to say is a primer on sentence structure. Its not. What otrhers give grammatical and style official names to, I just call "flow". I'm going to list example sentences in a list...

this is a sentence, that has a comma.
and here we go again, which is the second time.
yet now I think I like it, so I will keep doing it this this way.
no matter what you do, you can't stop me.

and again, with the same information more or less cobveyed, yet with different comma structure:

this sentence has a comma.
here we go for a second time.
I'll keep doping this because I like it.
nothing you do can stop me.

analysis: the first, though a hair better... get's old. the A,B structure is overused.
the second list, is all direct easier versions. it sounds too simplistic to tickle my palette.
I don't worry about this much while rough-drafting.
and not much unless it stands out in proofreading.

you want some mix of list 1 and list 2. it creates a flow, a system of give and take and pause and continue. When on later editing passes I see too many list 1 sentences, I'll figure out a rewording to slap the list 2 one in to replace it. Break it up. With some practice, it becomes more automatic. how you do list 1/list 2 variance is up to you, your ear reading, and your taste judgements. But readers will usually not realize *what* and simply like it or not.

hope this is clearer than mud.

 

[Genesis_King]

not that what I'm about to say is a primer on sentence structure. Its not. What otrhers give grammatical and style official names to, I just call "flow". I'm going to list example sentences in a list...

this is a sentence, that has a comma.
and here we go again, which is the second time.
yet now I think I like it, so I will keep doing it this this way.
no matter what you do, you can't stop me.

and again, with the same information more or less cobveyed, yet with different comma structure:

this sentence has a comma.
here we go for a second time.
I'll keep doping this because I like it.
nothing you do can stop me.

analysis: the first, though a hair better... get's old. the A,B structure is overused.
the second list, is all direct easier versions. it sounds too simplistic to tickle my palette.
I don't worry about this much while rough-drafting.
and not much unless it stands out in proofreading.

you want some mix of list 1 and list 2. it creates a flow, a system of give and take and pause and continue. When on later editing passes I see too many list 1 sentences, I'll figure out a rewording to slap the list 2 one in to replace it. Break it up. With some practice, it becomes more automatic. how you do list 1/list 2 variance is up to you, your ear reading, and your taste judgements. But readers will usually not realize *what* and simply like it or not.

hope this is clearer than mud.

Thanks. I got a better understanding now. Most of the sentences are of type 1 in my novel. I would try to mix some of type 2 while editing my drafts. It made a lot of things clearer in my mind. If you find any tips please share. Lets work hard to make the best fiction.

Your sentences aren’t necessarily too long-winded (they’re maybe half the length of mine on average), it’s that you use the same structure too frequently. Variation is a better solution than cutting down your sentences.

I made some changes to chapter 1 like you suggested. And it worked like magic. The feel when I reread it after the changes feels completely different and gives a lot more polish vibe. If you have any more suggestions for other chapters I am all ears. Once again thanks a lot for helping me make the greatest fiction.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

its one of those things you don't know until you're told and shown. Once I saw someone else getting told this, I started noticing. I try for a give-and-go feel. There's effects too, I suppose. All "A,A" sentences makes for a sort of lullaby paragraph. All B direct sentences, I use when the MC is under stress and pressure.

 

[Eldoria]

This fiction is quite good. I found it to have personal stakes in the family relationship (mother and younger sister), which makes it feel personal and emotional for the reader. However, I've only skimmed chapter 1. I've added it to my bookmarks and will provide feedback once I've finished reading it.

Well, I take my words back. I was hoping this fiction would at least focus to a family (mother and younger sister).

Turns out I was wrong. This is a mainstream isekai with mystery elements. The mother and younger sister in the prologue turned out to be random characters irrelevant to the MC's journey in the another world (at least until I read chapter 2).

Honestly, this fiction is out of my taste. But I still provide a honest feedback as a causal reader who read once.

In short, my impression... the chapters are heavy-telling with the omniscient third POV, which uses the narrator to provide exposition related to the plot, characters, and worldbuilding.

This creates a wide narrative distance between the MC and the reader. Immersion becomes flat. The reader becomes just a 'listener' who nods along to the narrator.

Furthermore, the pacing of the story becomes very slow. Readers tend to get bored easily. The solution?

If you want to make the reader more interested and feel like they're living in your story through the MC, then you need to consider using a limited third POV (Deep POV).

The narrative needs to be framed in a limited perspective according to the MC's experience.

The narrator's voice should be minimized or even eliminated if necessary.

The implementation of show it, don't tell it needs to be done strictly.

MC's emotions should be expressed through body language, dialogue, action, atmosphere and tension.

Minimize raw emotions such as anxious, sad, happy, etc.

The MC's reactions need to be varied including visual, audio, taste, smell, touch, physiological and mental state.

You can consider this suggestion if you want your fiction to be more impactful for the reader's immersion.

Well, that's a few feedback from me. Hopefully it helps (or maybe not).

Regards.

Critical Note:
My assessment may be biased. I only provide honest feedback as a causal reader.

 

[Genesis_King]

Well, I take my words back. I was hoping this fiction would at least focus to a family (mother and younger sister).

Turns out I was wrong. This is a mainstream isekai with mystery elements. The mother and younger sister in the prologue turned out to be random characters irrelevant to the MC's journey in the another world (at least until I read chapter 2).

Honestly, this fiction is out of my taste. But I still provide a honest feedback as a causal reader who read once.

In short, my impression... the chapters are heavy-telling with the omniscient third POV, which uses the narrator to provide exposition related to the plot, characters, and worldbuilding.

This creates a wide narrative distance between the MC and the reader. Immersion becomes flat. The reader becomes just a 'listener' who nods along to the narrator.

Furthermore, the pacing of the story becomes very slow. Readers tend to get bored easily. The solution?

If you want to make the reader more interested and feel like they're living in your story through the MC, then you need to consider using a limited third POV (Deep POV).

The narrative needs to be framed in a limited perspective according to the MC's experience.

The narrator's voice should be minimized or even eliminated if necessary.

The implementation of show it, don't tell it needs to be done strictly.

MC's emotions should be expressed through body language, dialogue, action, atmosphere and tension.

Minimize raw emotions such as anxious, sad, happy, etc.

The MC's reactions need to be varied including visual, audio, taste, smell, touch, physiological and mental state.

You can consider this suggestion if you want your fiction to be more impactful for the reader's immersion.

Well, that's a few feedback from me. Hopefully it helps (or maybe not).

Regards.

Critical Note:
My assessment may be biased. I only provide honest feedback as a causal reader.

Thanks for your feedback. My novel is going to be in omniscient pov only, but regarding the tips about emotions and showing not telling, I will try to keep more focus on them going forward. Also do read it once again after it reaches 20 chapters, you will be in for a surprise.