Just rewrote the first chapter (20 chapters in)

[LitSam]

Hi, I would love some feedback on the first chapter. I think it was the weakest point of the story, so I would like to hear how it feels now.

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/22...by-insane-luck-isekai-comedy/chapter/2200005/

 

[eagle_360]

Nice start, I'm not sure what you re-wrote but here are some thoughts.

1.
A bit of a logic leap with Patrich knowing what "Pangea" and "Aldrich" in his internal monologue before anyone told him where he is.

A possible fix: Have the Priestess or the King explicitly name the land during their initial proclamation.

Also would help to have some more world building eventually.

2.
Some good visual comedy in there, with the dramatic pose and then immediately vomiting.

3.
Define tone, not sure if he is supposed to be lovable idiot or creep?

Keep leaning into the chaos, got something fun going on.

 

[LitSam]

Nice start, I'm not sure what you re-wrote but here are some thoughts.

1.
A bit of a logic leap with Patrich knowing what "Pangea" and "Aldrich" in his internal monologue before anyone told him where he is.

A possible fix: Have the Priestess or the King explicitly name the land during their initial proclamation.

Also would help to have some more world building eventually.

2.
Some good visual comedy in there, with the dramatic pose and then immediately vomiting.

3.
Define tone, not sure if he is supposed to be lovable idiot or creep?

Keep leaning into the chaos, got something fun going on.

Thanks for the feedback.

I mainly made the main character less repulsive and improved flow.

Can you expand on the "Define tone, not sure if he is supposed to be lovable idiot or creep?" comment. I want to know what made him look like a lovable idiot. I avoided making him likeable. Was it the cringe chuunibyou lines ? I thought they'd just make him cringe, not charming.

 

[eagle_360]

Mostly just from the earlier vibes, the pushing of him somehow "falling" into ~success~