Is this too dark?

gb030104

Member
Joined
Mar 5, 2023
Messages
2
Points
18
Out in the wastes a young elf awoke, lying on her back, staring at an unknown sky and wondering what, in the name of the gods, had happened.

Realisation started to sink in. They had been raiding the human world of ADH in revenge for the humiliation one of them had inflicted on the new Clan Father. She had been racing in to deliver the softening blows that would destroy the heavy weapons systems and would free the heavier bikes to wreck carnage on the fort. Suddenly a barrage, that shouldn’t have been there, hit her squadron whereupon she and her bike had suffered catastrophic damage. Struggling to regain control she had failed and crashed on this gods forsaken rock.

Activating her comms she called for assistance, only to be met with silence. Trying again she received the same result, so she ordered the system to perform a self-diagnosis.

“Communication system unable to connect to network. “ Was the helpful reply.

“Fegg.” No comms, no idea where she was, and so badly injured she couldn’t even turn her head. Hopefully her clan would come looking for her once the battle was over. Wondering how long it had been she looked at the chronometer in her display. Seven hours.

It had been over seven hours since the attack had started. More than seven hour since she had been shot down. Her colleagues should have found her by now. Clan Nightshade never left anything behind. Not equipment, not bodies and certainly not living elves.

Panic started to rise up. What had happened? Why hadn’t anyone come to claim her? Was she going to die on this alien world and be left here for the cattle to find? Worse, would the cattle find her before she died and do to her what her people did to them? She didn’t want to die like that. Tortured to death in revenge for atrocities she, herself, hadn’t committed. Though, deep down, she had to admit she would have committed them given the chance.

Did being willing to do it make her as guilty as those that did?

She didn’t want to die with that on her conscience. There may not be an after life, but she felt the need to atone.

“Blessed mother, forgive me.” She muttered, a prayer to a goddess she didn’t believe in. “I would do to a lesser race something I would hate for them to do to me.”

Suddenly she felt hands removing her helmet.

“Thank you,.” She muttered, under her breath.

“You are welcome, child.” Came the reply.

Kneeling over her was a member of a race that she didn’t recognise. As much People as the creatures of this planet, this one was beautiful in a way that her People could only dream off, with eyes that shimmered through a multitude of colours as she looked down on her helpless prey.

“I don’’t want to die, alone and forgotten, on this planet.” A single tear running down her face.

“You are not alone, child, I am with you, and I will never forget you.”

The strange creature then took her hand and held it as the elf slipped into unconsciousness. Then lent over and kissed her on the forehead as her flame went out.

Later a human reclamation crew found the body of a female elf lying on her back, smiling and with her hand help as though she was holding something. Adding her and the remains of her bike to their pile of detritus, they had forgot all about her by the time they got back to the fort.
 

Lloyd

Funny Guy :)
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
2,538
Points
153
No, but the writing is poor quality.
"Out in the wastes" for example, the out is redundant. You can just say, "In the wastes" Also "Realisation started to sink in," could just be, "Realisation sunk in." I recommend reading and rephrasing your work a few times before you publish, if you're looking to produce high quality writing.
 
Last edited:

Syringe

Bluetooth 7 Enabled Holy Blade w/ Red Dot Sight
Joined
Jul 17, 2019
Messages
512
Points
133
Definitely not. Some stories out there get into the nitty gritty gore and other kinds of psychological insanity. The dark iceberg goes deeper than you think here on Scribble Hub.

Overall, it's A-OK!
 

Empyrea

Dense Writer of Lewd
Joined
Dec 24, 2022
Messages
180
Points
78
Just needs some editing, but it's not really dark.
Maybe if the elf was your protagonist or part of the main cast with history for the reader.
As it is, there's no connection to the elf, there's no hope that gets snuffed out. It's just someone who did bad things dying in a war.
 
Top