Is this stupid? It feels stupid.

[ThisAdamGuy]

I was writing today, and had my main character go into a room with a ton of stuff in it. The room is deliberately set up to draw your eye to what's in the exact center. I want to describe the other things that are in the room as well, but once the MC sees what's in the center, for various reasons he's not going to waste his time looking at or describing anything else. So here's how I have it written now:

"Turning around, he finally laid eyes on the most obviously noticeable thing in the room—so much so that he had deliberately avoided looking at it while he studied the rest of the weird shrine so that it wouldn’t distract him."

Is this stupid? It feels kinda stupid to me...

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

It does sound kinda silly, i agree.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I would say more "awkward and clunky" than "stupid" - I would suggest either using bits and pieces of stuff he almost notices before his attention is drawn to the center to accentuate the weirdness ("He glimpsed an odd metal gauntlet that appeared to have sockets for something set into it, an old fixed-wheel bicycle, something that resembled an inverted sewing machine. All of it fascinating, some of it disturbing - but the object in the center of the room kept drawing his attention, as if a moth to a flame") or just hint at everything, Lovecraft style, but only the object in the center can be described; everything else is indistinct, shadow-ridden, etc.

 

[NotaNuffian]

I was writing today, and had my main character go into a room with a ton of stuff in it. The room is deliberately set up to draw your eye to what's in the exact center. I want to describe the other things that are in the room as well, but once the MC sees what's in the center, for various reasons he's not going to waste his time looking at or describing anything else. So here's how I have it written now:

"Turning around, he finally laid eyes on the most obviously noticeable thing in the room—so much so that he had deliberately avoided looking at it while he studied the rest of the weird shrine so that it wouldn’t distract him."

Is this stupid? It feels kinda stupid to me...

The question you should ask yourself is "is it important/ can't be replaced by other shorter and concise words?"

If the answer is no, change it.

As I read the sentecne you provided, I don't understand what you are trying to convey.

If the centrepiece is that important, other objects should not disrupt your MC from focusing on it.

If your MC needs to distract himself from other objects in order to focus on the centrepiece, then said centrepiece is not as centred as it is to believed.

 

[ThisAdamGuy]

The question you should ask yourself is "is it important/ can't be replaced by other shorter and concise words?"

No, I'd rather ask the question I actually want answered.

 

[NotaNuffian]

No, I'd rather ask the question I actually want answered.

And you did.

So I provide the philosophy of "simiplicity is best".

I frankly understand what you want to write.

You want to write a room filled with facinating things that keep on hogging MC attention.

But then came the centrepiece and it stole MC away like a hungry seagull.

But how you phrase it at the end just feel like you as an author tripping me, causing my reading pace to grind to a halt.

 

[JayMark]

It's clunky prose, a repetitive sentence, overly relieant on vague adjectives, and telling something interesting that should be shown instead of told. It's writing on my level. Very stupidly dum-dum moronic thing. You're better than this.

 

[georgelee5786]

it's stupid

 

[K_Jira]

My suggestion, glaze over the other stuff in the room just enough to give the readers a picture then hyperfocused on the object in the center to give a sense of overwhelming presence.

Like when in romance novels, the moment the main love interest steps inside, other characters become potatoes. The author probably describes other characters a paragraph at best, but spent a whole poem on the main love interest.

 

[abu_nur]

Kinda say what is in the room then go "however, non of 'said stuff' stood out to him. he immediately directed his sight tp the middle of the room". like as a narrator, you can describe stuff the characters don't see, yet the viewers shall see.

---

here is my new works, leave a feedback if possible

 

[ThrillingHuman]

Yes. Because if he can't unfocus after he notices the thing in the center but has already noticed it and deliberately avoids noticing it further, you run into a contradiction.
How about you start with the main character catching an awful lot of things with his peripheral vision and as he glances from the side/door/floor to right ahead?

 

[laccoff_mawning]

It does sound silly. If the room's meant to have his attention be immediately drawn into it's centerpiece, it should do so.

I'd probably consider writing it something like this:

"Person's eyes was immediately drawn into the center of the room/shrine, in which... [object exists].

He did not notice the [Object on the outside], nor the [Other object on the outside], nor the [ you get the idea, I'm sure. You can use this to add any detail you want that's not at the centerpiece.].

The only thing he noticed was the [And you could then describe the centerpiece more if you wanted to here.] "