Is this alright or it need more polish.

Abnormals

Member
Joined
May 25, 2025
Messages
36
Points
18
How is it even supposed to reach the ending?
Hey, young man, and keep your voice down. An elderly voice entered from my left as the eyes met.
I am sorry.
I am I Aaah…aa (Shit, I fumbled.)
Haa
Just remember for next time.
“Station no. 6 has arrived.”
Two more to go.
I tugged my phone from my pocket, only for the screen to flash:
God has captured your body (game over).
Why is this shitty? I should not have downloaded this game, but they openly rage-bait about people not completing it, although they are right; no one reaches the good ending.
“Star Maiden” is a perfect blend of RPG, open world, and romance genres in a single game.
People good at RPGs are lost in the romance part, and People good at romance are lost in the RPG, or should we say they never reach the romance part.
The reason I still play this shitty game is because of Yuri, the main character. If you play as her, you get to know what a great story has been written about her.
I'm a sucker for a good story.
Should I just delete it?
Nah, I have to give her a good ending at least once.
“Station no. 7 has arrived.”
The crowd is leaving. Haa, now even if I talk aloud with myself, there is no one to listen.
Let’s give her a good ending this weekend.
The phone that slipped from my pocket. Not just that—it soared upward.
No. Not just the phone. I was flying toward the ceiling.
Cold panic took over me. I can feel the horror gripping my bones.
I am falling.
No, not just me, my surroundings are falling.

The train derailed. I was falling—headfirst—toward my death.
No.

I wasn’t done yet.

I still haven’t finished College.

No girlfriend.

Parents are still waiting.
Mom… I still have to tell her, “I’ll come home.”
The world exploded around me, and all at once, everything I had slipped away like sand as it burned in the fire —the life I knew—was gone.

__

In a land where snow covers the earth all year, winters are merciless. Even simply surviving is a struggle for a family of four.
In this small village, screams pierced the quiet from a wooden house.
“Just a little more, my dear… the head is out… one more push.”
With smooth, practiced movements, the midwife guided the baby into the world and wrapped him carefully in a cloth.
It’s a boy.
My son… my first blood… my blood.
I opened my eyes. The world shimmered with colors that danced in the air. Was this the afterlife?
My hands twitched; my whole body ached to reach out and touch the flowing colors.
I squeezed every ounce of strength and reached for the colors—but nothing came into my grasp.
My vision cleared.
My hands were small.
This… this is not the afterlife. This is reincarnation.
My chest ached. I died… Mom… I miss Mom, Dad, my brothers and sisters… my family…
A sound left my mouth—a cry. It carried the grief of someone who had lost everything, and the people in the room felt the weight of that sorrow.
The man who had been overjoyed moments ago now wore a grave expression.
“Ranger, dear…”
“Lilia, don’t worry.”
The ranger lifted me gently as he stepped outside. A crowd had gathered in front of the house.
“My son has been born,” the ranger announced. “His name will be… Kael. Kael Frostborn.”
Cheers erupted. Frostborn. A name given to the child whose first cry carries grief for the snow. It grants no real power, but it marks survival—and in this harsh land, surviving childbirth was reason enough to celebrate.
With the moon high in the sky
Casting silver light over the village. Outside, celebration filled the air—cheers, laughter, and the faint clinking of cups—but the cold wind seeped through the wooden walls, biting at Lelia’s skin.
She pressed herself to the window, watching the commotion, then quickly drew it closed. The warmth of the room embraced her, but the chill of the outside world lingered like a whisper.
“Kae… don’t cry, child. Mother is here for you.”
“Your life is a blessing to me. Live well… please, live well.”
The words reached me, and yet the figure before me… she is not my mother. But the tone, the warmth, the intention—it is the same voice Mom used to soothe me in my past life.
I saw her lips move, her eyes shine with care, and somehow, in my mind, the figure of Mom overlapped with Lelia.
She wishes for me to live well…
A strange warmth spread through my tiny chest. I am small, fragile, and yet… I understand. Every fiber of my being reaches out, clinging to her words. I will live. I will honor the final word Mom gave me in the old world. I will live well.
The shadow of my past. It lingers to remind me of the promise I must keep, in this world and the next.
I curled my tiny fists. My heart thumped fiercely, faster than I had ever felt before. This life… my life… it is mine to protect, mine to cherish. And I will not waste it.
Ding.
A soft, crystalline chime echoed in my head—no, in the air itself.
My breath caught.
A faint blue glow bloomed before me, like moonlight reflecting on a frozen lake.
Then, slowly… gently… lines of text assembled in midair.
A status screen.
The kind I had seen a thousand times in Star Maiden.
But this time… it wasn’t on a phone.
It wasn’t virtual.
It was real.
Floating.
Responding to me—my heartbeat, my breath.
I froze.
“…No way.”
The letters stabilized.

《STATUS WINDOW – INFANT ASSESSMENT》
Name: Kael Frostborn
Race: Human
Age: 0
Star Level: ★0
Stats:
Vitality: 8
Strength: 3
Agility: 4
Endurance: 5
Mana: 12
Perception: 6
Luck: 1
Skills:
• Frost Affinity (Common)
• Survivor’s Will (Uncommon)
• ??? – Locked (Unknown)
Titles:
• Frostborn
• Reincarnated Soul (Hidden)
• Child Whose Cry Shook the Snow (Local Title)

The screen pulsed once—soft, cold, like a snowflake brushing the skin—and then faded.
I blinked rapidly.
…It was real.
This world had systems.
This wasn’t just a frozen village in the Northwind Kingdom—it followed rules. Rules I could use to survive… and grow.
My tiny hands trembled.
Just like how characters in Star Maiden awakened their true talents at age five.
A strange sense of déjà vu washed through me.
Was this world connected to the game?
Or was the game inspired by this world?
Before I could think deeper, warmth enveloped me—Lelia pulled me close, her touch gentle and protective, unaware of the miracle floating before her son’s eyes.
Her heartbeat thumped steadily against my newborn ears.
My eyelids grew heavy.
And as sleep claimed me—warm, safe, and strangely hopeful—
I made a silent vow:
This time… I’ll live well.
This thing starts as a general RPG, butsome things gett complex with time, and I am not going withthe butler/friend/lover route
 
Last edited:

Assurbanipal_II

Nyampress of the Four Corners of the World
Joined
Jul 27, 2019
Messages
2,692
Points
153
How is it even supposed to reach the ending?
Hey, young man, and keep your voice down. An elderly voice entered from my left as the eyes met.
I am sorry.
I am I Aaah…aa (Shit, I fumbled.)
Haa
Just remember for next time.
“Station no. 6 has arrived.”
Two more to go.
I tugged my phone from my pocket, only for the screen to flash:
God has captured your body (game over).
Why is this shitty? I should not have downloaded this game, but they openly rage-bait about people not completing it, although they are right; no one reaches the good ending.
“Star Maiden” is a perfect blend of RPG, open world, and romance genres in a single game.
People good at RPGs are lost in the romance part, and People good at romance are lost in the RPG, or should we say they never reach the romance part.
The reason I still play this shitty game is because of Yuri, the main character. If you play as her, you get to know what a great story has been written about her.
I'm a sucker for a good story.
Should I just delete it?
Nah, I have to give her a good ending at least once.
“Station no. 7 has arrived.”
The crowd is leaving. Haa, now even if I talk aloud with myself, there is no one to listen.
Let’s give her a good ending this weekend.
The phone that slipped from my pocket. Not just that—it soared upward.
No. Not just the phone. I was flying toward the ceiling.
Cold panic took over me. I can feel the horror gripping my bones.
I am falling.
No, not just me, my surroundings are falling.

The train derailed. I was falling—headfirst—toward my death.
No.

I wasn’t done yet.

I still haven’t finished College.

No girlfriend.

Parents are still waiting.
Mom… I still have to tell her, “I’ll come home.”
The world exploded around me, and all at once, everything I had slipped away like sand as it burned in the fire —the life I knew—was gone.

__

In a land where snow covers the earth all year, winters are merciless. Even simply surviving is a struggle for a family of four.
In this small village, screams pierced the quiet from a wooden house.
“Just a little more, my dear… the head is out… one more push.”
With smooth, practiced movements, the midwife guided the baby into the world and wrapped him carefully in a cloth.
It’s a boy.
My son… my first blood… my blood.
I opened my eyes. The world shimmered with colors that danced in the air. Was this the afterlife?
My hands twitched; my whole body ached to reach out and touch the flowing colors.
I squeezed every ounce of strength and reached for the colors—but nothing came into my grasp.
My vision cleared.
My hands were small.
This… this is not the afterlife. This is reincarnation.
My chest ached. I died… Mom… I miss Mom, Dad, my brothers and sisters… my family…
A sound left my mouth—a cry. It carried the grief of someone who had lost everything, and the people in the room felt the weight of that sorrow.
The man who had been overjoyed moments ago now wore a grave expression.
“Ranger, dear…”
“Lilia, don’t worry.”
The ranger lifted me gently as he stepped outside. A crowd had gathered in front of the house.
“My son has been born,” the ranger announced. “His name will be… Kael. Kael Frostborn.”
Cheers erupted. Frostborn. A name given to the child whose first cry carries grief for the snow. It grants no real power, but it marks survival—and in this harsh land, surviving childbirth was reason enough to celebrate.
With the moon high in the sky
Casting silver light over the village. Outside, celebration filled the air—cheers, laughter, and the faint clinking of cups—but the cold wind seeped through the wooden walls, biting at Lelia’s skin.
She pressed herself to the window, watching the commotion, then quickly drew it closed. The warmth of the room embraced her, but the chill of the outside world lingered like a whisper.
“Kae… don’t cry, child. Mother is here for you.”
“Your life is a blessing to me. Live well… please, live well.”
The words reached me, and yet the figure before me… she is not my mother. But the tone, the warmth, the intention—it is the same voice Mom used to soothe me in my past life.
I saw her lips move, her eyes shine with care, and somehow, in my mind, the figure of Mom overlapped with Lelia.
She wishes for me to live well…
A strange warmth spread through my tiny chest. I am small, fragile, and yet… I understand. Every fiber of my being reaches out, clinging to her words. I will live. I will honor the final word Mom gave me in the old world. I will live well.
The shadow of my past. It lingers to remind me of the promise I must keep, in this world and the next.
I curled my tiny fists. My heart thumped fiercely, faster than I had ever felt before. This life… my life… it is mine to protect, mine to cherish. And I will not waste it.
Ding.
A soft, crystalline chime echoed in my head—no, in the air itself.
My breath caught.
A faint blue glow bloomed before me, like moonlight reflecting on a frozen lake.
Then, slowly… gently… lines of text assembled in midair.
A status screen.
The kind I had seen a thousand times in Star Maiden.
But this time… it wasn’t on a phone.
It wasn’t virtual.
It was real.
Floating.
Responding to me—my heartbeat, my breath.
I froze.
“…No way.”
The letters stabilized.

《STATUS WINDOW – INFANT ASSESSMENT》
Name: Kael Frostborn
Race: Human
Age: 0
Star Level: ★0
Stats:
Vitality: 8
Strength: 3
Agility: 4
Endurance: 5
Mana: 12
Perception: 6
Luck: 1
Skills:
• Frost Affinity (Common)
• Survivor’s Will (Uncommon)
• ??? – Locked (Unknown)
Titles:
• Frostborn
• Reincarnated Soul (Hidden)
• Child Whose Cry Shook the Snow (Local Title)

The screen pulsed once—soft, cold, like a snowflake brushing the skin—and then faded.
I blinked rapidly.
…It was real.
This world had systems.
This wasn’t just a frozen village in the Northwind Kingdom—it followed rules. Rules I could use to survive… and grow.
My tiny hands trembled.
Just like how characters in Star Maiden awakened their true talents at age five.
A strange sense of déjà vu washed through me.
Was this world connected to the game?
Or was the game inspired by this world?
Before I could think deeper, warmth enveloped me—Lelia pulled me close, her touch gentle and protective, unaware of the miracle floating before her son’s eyes.
Her heartbeat thumped steadily against my newborn ears.
My eyelids grew heavy.
And as sleep claimed me—warm, safe, and strangely hopeful—
I made a silent vow:
This time… I’ll live well.
This thing starts as a general RPG, butsome things gett complex with time, and I am not going withthe butler/friend/lover route
Where is the Polish?
 

PancakesWitch

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
713
Points
133
write for three more years and return, nobody can be a better editor other than your own future self
don't be afraid of failing or writing bad things, it's natural.
you barely wrote anything, do you really expect to polish this endlessly?
to become a good writer you have to write and write and write, not stay in a single paragraph, worried if its good or not.
 

Abnormals

Member
Joined
May 25, 2025
Messages
36
Points
18
write for three more years and return, nobody can be a better editor other than your own future self
don't be afraid of failing or writing bad things, it's natural.
you barely wrote anything, do you really expect to polish this endlessly?
to become a good writer you have to write and write and write, not stay in a single paragraph, worried if its good or not.
What I wrote is too much to paste
 

laccoff_mawning

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 26, 2022
Messages
488
Points
133
More polish.

1.
Hey, young man, and keep your voice down.
This is dialogue. It needs quotation marks.

2.
I am sorry.
I am I Aaah…aa (Shit, I fumbled.)
Haa
I don't even know what this is. Did he drop his phone? Is he internally screaming? Did he almost sneeze? It's very unclear.

In fact, the first part of the story (before explaining star maiden) is generally very unclear and minimal. He's on a train station and he's next to an old man. That's what I know. It sounds like he's two stops away from his exit, though I'm not entirely sure. I'm assuming the "two more to go" is referring to the train, but with how unclear the rest of it is I'm not sure that assumption is justified.

3. You're overusing single sentence paragraphs. Try grouping them up more. For example,
Should I just delete it?
Nah, I have to give her a good ending at least once.
“Station no. 7 has arrived.”
The crowd is leaving. Haa, now even if I talk aloud with myself, there is no one to listen.
Let’s give her a good ending this weekend.
can become:
Should I just delete it? Nah, I have to give her a good ending at least once.
“Station no. 7 has arrived.”
The crowd is leaving. Haa, now even if I talk aloud with myself, there is no one to listen. Let’s give her a good ending this weekend.

The problem with overusing single paragraphs is that you don't get the dramatic affect of one when it really matter, like here:
No.

I wasn’t done yet.

I still haven’t finished College.

No girlfriend.

Parents are still waiting.
Mom… I still have to tell her, “I’ll come home.”
The world exploded around me, and all at once, everything I had slipped away like sand as it burned in the fire —the life I knew—was gone.
These are all fine to be in their own paragraphs, but it has no dramatic pause because the majority of the rest of the story up to this point is also composed of single paragraphs.

Also, I'm not sure this makes grammatical sense:
everything I had slipped away like sand as it burned in the fire —the life I knew—was gone.
I would suggest:
everything I had slipped away like sand as it burned in the fire; the life I knew was gone.

4. I feel like you overuse ellipsis and dashes. These add to the already choppy feel to the story caused by the abundant single sentence paragraphs.
The train derailed. I was falling—headfirst—toward my death.
These dashes aren't needed. 'I was falling headfirst towards my death." does just fine in my opinion.
 

tiaf

ゞ(シㅇ3ㅇ)っ•♥•Speak fishy, read BL.•♥•
Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
3,071
Points
183
More polish.

1.

This is dialogue. It needs quotation marks.

2.

I don't even know what this is. Did he drop his phone? Is he internally screaming? Did he almost sneeze? It's very unclear.

In fact, the first part of the story (before explaining star maiden) is generally very unclear and minimal. He's on a train station and he's next to an old man. That's what I know. It sounds like he's two stops away from his exit, though I'm not entirely sure. I'm assuming the "two more to go" is referring to the train, but with how unclear the rest of it is I'm not sure that assumption is justified.

3. You're overusing single sentence paragraphs. Try grouping them up more. For example,

can become:


The problem with overusing single paragraphs is that you don't get the dramatic affect of one when it really matter, like here:

These are all fine to be in their own paragraphs, but it has no dramatic pause because the majority of the rest of the story up to this point is also composed of single paragraphs.

Also, I'm not sure this makes grammatical sense:

I would suggest:
everything I had slipped away like sand as it burned in the fire; the life I knew was gone.

4. I feel like you overuse ellipsis and dashes. These add to the already choppy feel to the story caused by the abundant single sentence paragraphs.

These dashes aren't needed. 'I was falling headfirst towards my death." does just fine in my opinion.
Tl;dr: If you emphasize every sentence and word, then nothing will stand out.
 
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