Is it good enough as the beginning of a fiction?

[Nevafrost]

I need some help with the beginning of my fiction. I don't understand the "Show, don't tell" much lol. And, I also dunno if it's a good beginning. How could I imrpove? (Be nice please or, I might cry )

Spoiler: The beginning of my fiction.

Fire. Screams.

'You shall perish in the deepest of hells!'

'These rat-bloods!'

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

'What's happening?'

Iris woke up in a halt, sweating. The skin, around where her pendant was, burnt. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her make-up. Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.
'I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?' Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

'Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?' Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

'I think not. Where are you going?'

'We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind.'

'I see you are interested in war, my dear,' King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling, 'I'm so proud of you.' Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, 'I apologise for delaying my arrival.' Elina mocked her, 'No need to be so polite, Late queen. We know your make-up takes more time than your breakfast.'

'That's normal though.' They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

‘Don't you think they will find out?’ asked Harlin slightly frowning.

‘Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them to not find out,’ said Elina slowing down to meet her pace. ‘It's not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out,’ Aylin says, looking kinda worried.

‘Would y'all please quiet down a bit? Walls have ears,’ Iris said carefully. Everyone shushed up. They walked into the classroom. There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because of course the Princesses of four of the most powerful magical kingdom wouldn’t sit in the same calssroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, how to teleport. But all of them have long way to go before they can become experts, like their parents.

‘Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?’ asked Alison, walking up to them. Eleena rolled her eyes, ‘There he goes again with his sweet tongue.’ Harleen smirked, ‘Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?’ Elina cursed at her, ‘I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,’ she crooked her nose, ‘I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though.’ Harlin grinned as she sat on her desk, ‘Even though I wouldn't mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high.’ Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.
'Will you two stop your dogfighting?"

 

[Eldoria]

I don't understand the "Show, don't tell"

Well, let's see your narrative. Correct me if I'm wrong!

Iris woke up in a halt, sweating. The skin, around where her pendant was, burnt.

it shows it.

Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

It tells it

‘Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them to not find out,’ said Elina slowing down to meet her pace. ‘It's not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out,’ Aylin says, looking kinda worried.

It tells it with narrative dialogue

‘Would y'all please quiet down a bit? Walls have ears,’ Iris said carefully. Everyone shushed up. They walked into the classroom. There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because of course the Princesses of four of the most powerful magical kingdom wouldn’t sit in the same calssroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, how to teleport. But all of them have long way to go before they can become experts, like their parents.

This is a telling with descriptive explanatory narrative.

In general, your narrative should be a mix of show it and tell it. The principle of "show it, don't tell it" isn't absolute. You're free to use it as needed in your narrative.

If you want to see a clearer difference between tell it vs show it vs mixed show and tell it narratives, please open the link below:
Good luck!

Regards.

As a reader, which narrative do you prefer in conveying a character's emotions?

Narration of the Direct Emotion vs Subtle Emotion vs Mixed Emotion As a reader, which narrative do you prefer in conveying a character's emotions? Direct emotion, the narrative tells the character's emotional state. Subtle emotion, the narrative shows the character's emotions through body...

forum.scribblehub.com

 

[L1aei]

Alright, right off the bat, this very start of your beginning:

Fire. Screams.

'You shall perish in the deepest of hells!'

'These rat-bloods!'

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

'What's happening?'

I'm certain that if someone were to be waking up and not know what is happening, fire and screams could be described through sensory input. Like instead of identifying it immediately, gives us what is hinting at that being fire or the screams; smoke, cacophony of unintelligible noises that may instinctually tap into a primal fright, and maybe a wave of heat with every catch of the wind towards the direction of Iris. It's a dream, yes, but when somebody is dreaming, I know that I wake up trying to remember what that was all about with every moment of my dreams slipping away. Sensory and immersive moments, give the readers smoke in the throat, heat on the skin, the panic and confusion that comes before waking clarity. Those little hints may go a long way to show rather than tell.

That make sense to you?

 

[Nevafrost]

Well, let's see your narrative. Correct me if I'm wrong!


it shows it.


It tells it


It tells it with narrative dialogue


This is a telling with descriptive explanatory narrative.

In general, your narrative should be a mix of show it and tell it. The principle of "show it, don't tell it" isn't absolute. You're free to use it as needed in your narrative.

If you want to see a clearer difference between tell it vs show it vs mixed show and tell it narratives, please open the link below:
Good luck!

Regards.

As a reader, which narrative do you prefer in conveying a character's emotions?

Narration of the Direct Emotion vs Subtle Emotion vs Mixed Emotion As a reader, which narrative do you prefer in conveying a character's emotions? Direct emotion, the narrative tells the character's emotional state. Subtle emotion, the narrative shows the character's emotions through body...

forum.scribblehub.com

Thank you so much for your time and appreciate your analysis. Could you kindly tell me if it’s a good start for a novel? Should I change the context or start from another scenery? Or, should I stick with this one?

Alright, right off the bat, this very start of your beginning:


I'm certain that if someone were to be waking up and not know what is happening, fire and screams could be described through sensory input. Like instead of identifying it immediately, gives us what is hinting at that being fire or the screams; smoke, cacophony of unintelligible noises that may instinctually tap into a primal fright, and maybe a wave of heat with every catch of the wind towards the direction of Iris. It's a dream, yes, but when somebody is dreaming, I know that I wake up trying to remember what that was all about with every moment of my dreams slipping away. Sensory and immersive moments, give the readers smoke in the throat, heat on the skin, the panic and confusion that comes before waking clarity. Those little hints may go a long way to show rather than tell.

That make sense to you?

It definitely does! Maybe I should have described the dream more realistically? I am just afraid the description would be too long which I don't want to happen. But I will try to keep short lol.
Btw, same question for you, is it a good beginning for a fiction? Haha. @L1aei

 

[L1aei]

Could you kindly tell me if it’s a good start for a novel?

Good compared to what? You succeeded in conveying what is happening, just not immersing the reader into the scene. That's not bad from my perspective. I'm certain other starts of novels completely confused the hell out of readers on what was going on. Jesus, I remember reading one novel last year that gave me a migraine because the writer didn't know how to take a break, all action, always revving it up higher and higher, and it bounced around POVs to the point that I was trying to keep track on what was genuinely going on because not even the characters knew. It was like reading a novel with the protagonist being the only person not sharing their thoughts or motives; a witness testimony that I had to work at being a detective figuring it out.

And I'm not even going to call that novel bad. It was interesting. But there are going to be readers who drop that thing like a hot potato and demand a warning next time something that scalding hot is handed to them. See what I mean? Is your beginning "Good compared to what?"

 

[Eldoria]

Thank you so much for your time and appreciate your analysis. Could you kindly tell me if it’s a good start for a novel? Should I change the context or start from another scenery? Or, should I stick with this one?

It definitely does! Maybe I should have described the dream more realistically? I am just afraid the description would be too long which I don't want to happen. But I will try to keep short lol.
Btw, same question for you, is it a good beginning for a fiction? Haha. @L1aei

Well... to be honest, I had a hard time visualizing your narrative in my mind at first. Why? Because you didn't provide enough atmospheric narration at the beginning.

This scene is quite complicated because you start with a dream. The problem is... you immediately give the dream dialogue without context - it's hard for causal readers to immediately visualize this scene.

This is often overlooked, but a good chapter should be immediately visualizable by the reader. The solution? Start with an atmospheric opening.

You need to explain: (1) Where is the character? (2) Who is the character? (3) What is the character doing? (4) Who is the character interacting with? (5) What is happening?

It doesn't have to be long... just 2-4 short paragraphs to explain the context of the narrative. This way, your readers can immediately visualize the scene.

Another point: you need to improve your narrative format. Separate dialogue between characters and avoid condensing it into a single paragraph. So, readers can easily understand who's speaking without losing focus.

Each paragraph should consist of 1-3 sentences. This is crucial for mobile-friendly viewing (we're writing a web novel, not a paperback novel).

Please correct your narrative first. Learn slowly. We all start from scratch. Good luck!

Regards.

 

[L1aei]

↑Listen↑
@Eldoria is giving far better advice than I could for your concern about the length to describe the dream and awakening sequence.

As for being "realistic," aim for a scene where Iris not only believes but feels she's in that dangerous scenario. In the dream, give her the sensory facts, like as if she's been teleported into the disaster. Think about your own memories: how you can not only visualize a moment but also feel it; your hands, your feet, the surfaces you're touching, your posture. Anchor Iris in the environment, letting her struggle to make sense of it while surrounded by identifiable, sensory details.

 

[Envylope]

Why do you want feedback for the beginning of the fiction? You should write and make a lot of mistakes. If you over index into technicalities, you will not finish anything. Perfection is the enemy of good as well.

I am not saying not to get advice at all, but be careful.

 

[L1aei]

Why do you want feedback for the beginning of the fiction? You should write and make a lot of mistakes. If you over index into technicalities, you will not finish anything. Perfection is the enemy of good as well.

I am not saying not to get advice at all, but be careful.

That is a good approach. This way, just like an artist, you can look back at your progress with an awareness you've improved your craft.

 

[Nevafrost]

Good compared to what? You succeeded in conveying what is happening, just not immersing the reader into the scene. That's not bad from my perspective. I'm certain other starts of novels completely confused the hell out of readers on what was going on. Jesus, I remember reading one novel last year that gave me a migraine because the writer didn't know how to take a break, all action, always revving it up higher and higher, and it bounced around POVs to the point that I was trying to keep track on what was genuinely going on because not even the characters knew. It was like reading a novel with the protagonist being the only person not sharing their thoughts or motives; a witness testimony that I had to work at being a detective figuring it out.

And I'm not even going to call that novel bad. It was interesting. But there are going to be readers who drop that thing like a hot potato and demand a warning next time something that scalding hot is handed to them. See what I mean? Is your beginning "Good compared to what?"

Haha, I love this so much. "Good compared to what?" hm... I guess as good as those books which people wouldn’t drop without finishing the 2nd paragraph.

Well... to be honest, I had a hard time visualizing your narrative in my mind at first. Why? Because you didn't provide enough atmospheric narration at the beginning.

This scene is quite complicated because you start with a dream. The problem is... you immediately give the dream dialogue without context - it's hard for causal readers to immediately visualize this scene.

This is often overlooked, but a good chapter should be immediately visualizable by the reader. The solution? Start with an atmospheric opening.

You need to explain: (1) Where is the character? (2) Who is the character? (3) What is the character doing? (4) Who is the character interacting with? (5) What is happening?

It doesn't have to be long... just 2-4 short paragraphs to explain the context of the narrative. This way, your readers can immediately visualize the scene.

Another point: you need to improve your narrative format. Separate dialogue between characters and avoid condensing it into a single paragraph. So, readers can easily understand who's speaking without losing focus.

Each paragraph should consist of 1-3 sentences. This is crucial for mobile-friendly viewing (we're writing a web novel, not a paperback novel).

Please correct your narrative first. Learn slowly. We all start from scratch. Good luck!

Regards.

I get what you mean! (But I'm not sure I would be able to do as you say. I'm a newbie haha. I'll try my very best though.)
I also thought about separating the dialogues. Guess it's a sign.
Btw, I'm actually planning on making it a paperback novel lmao. Maybe it will take 10 more years, but I'm committed!

Why do you want feedback for the beginning of the fiction? You should write and make a lot of mistakes. If you over index into technicalities, you will not finish anything. Perfection is the enemy of good as well.

I am not saying not to get advice at all, but be careful.

I'm not sure myself, that's why. I'm rewriting this novel. So, I don't want to make the same mistakes again. If the beginning isn't good enough, then it might flop like last time lmao. But thanks for the concern .

That is a good approach. This way, just like an artist, you can look back at your progress with an awareness you've improved your craft.

Lmao I look at my artworks like it's a failed abortion.


Another thing, is my grammar good enough to become readable? I'm taking english classes and trying to imrpove my english skills. But I'm not much confident. I make so many grammatical mistakes though I try to recheck everything I write.

 

[L1aei]

Lmao I look at my artworks like it's a failed abortion.

See what you did there? That's good writing too. If you leave the end of specific chapters with the readers laughing, they'll leave your work in a good mood.

 

[Nevafrost]

See what you did there? That's good writing too. If you leave the end of specific chapters with the readers laughing, they'll leave your work in a good mood.

Woah woah! Never got this much motivated. Thanks for the uplift! I hope you don't go bald. (Adding to the comic relief)

 

[L1aei]

Woah woah! Never got this much motivated. Thanks for the uplift! I hope you don't go bald. (Adding to the comic relief)

I'll likely rot in my grave before going bald, so no worries there.

 

[Nevafrost]

I'll likely rot in my grave before going bald, so no worries there.

Nice hairline you must have got there! Lock your windows tonight or I might steal it

 

[Makimaam]

Aside from what everyone’s said, I just want to add this: could you summarize the key plot or hook you want to show readers? Just a few bullet points.

The 1st chap is important in the sense that you need to show something that hooks the reader early on.

Also, is the scene with the queen and king necessary? In this 1st chap alone, we’re introduced to 6 characters (if my maths is right). The sheer number of characters introduced at once may confuse readers.

You might consider introducing the king and queen in later chapters, allowing them to appear more gradually and focus on the princesses. I understand that your MCs are the 4 princesses but we don’t get any descriptions of them apart from their names.

 

[Nevafrost]

Aside from what everyone’s said, I just want to add this: could you summarize the key plot or hook you want to show readers? Just a few bullet points.

The 1st chap is important in the sense that you need to show something that hooks the reader early on.

Also, is the scene with the queen and king necessary? In this 1st chap alone, we’re introduced to 6 characters (if my maths is right). The sheer number of characters introduced at once may confuse readers.

You might consider introducing the king and queen in later chapters, allowing them to appear more gradually and focus on the princesses. I understand that your MCs are the 4 princesses but we don’t get any descriptions of them apart from their names.

7 characters in total. Haha. I got that a lot. I guess that's something I really should work on.

 

[foxes]

It seems to me that there is a lack of synopsis. Usually, when a person starts reading, they are at least introduced to the time and place of the book's events. However, this is not evident from the introductory text itself. As a result, there is no visual representation of the Middle Ages, the present, the future, magic, or anything else at the beginning of the story.

Either I am not paying attention, or you do not have a description of the environment. Is this a story about voices in someone's head? Or did you want to show a large number of illustrations?

Iris went to the dining hall

Naked? Or was she wearing clothes, a fur coat? At least put something on or take something off. Еnough "put yourself in order" without spoilers.

 

[Nevafrost]

It seems to me that there is a lack of synopsis. Usually, when a person starts reading, they are at least introduced to the time and place of the book's events. However, this is not evident from the introductory text itself. As a result, there is no visual representation of the Middle Ages, the present, the future, magic, or anything else at the beginning of the story.

Either I am not paying attention, or you do not have a description of the environment. Is this a story about voices in someone's head? Or did you want to show a large number of illustrations?



Naked? Or was she wearing clothes, a fur coat? At least put something on or take something off. Еnough "put yourself in order" without spoilers.

Thanks for the analysis! I will try improve the parts mentioned.