Using his shield, Soo would defend his team against every other arrow that came their way. Bennett used his shield to reflect them at the archers, who were suspended in the air because of Soo’s assault...
I believe that connecting these two sentences with something like "while" would work nicely since their actions are intertwined.
...yet in the blink of an eye, a dagger that blended in with the snow had cut the heads of two hunters, moving like a boomerang and spinning back into the snow.
This sentence is a tad bit clumsy. I feel like leading in with "yet" is not working, and that word could be removed. I also have this feeling that the second 2/3rds of the sentence are out of order. Try:
In the blink of an eye, a hidden dagger burst out of the snow and severed the heads of the two hunters. With its gruesome task complete, it spun around like a boomerang and plunged back into the snowdrift.
By breaking it into two sentences it removes the cumbersome, run-on feel of the original. Likewise, some of the details can be arranged to link with their subjects a bit better. At the same time, by adding a few stronger adjectives and adverbs into the prose you get a punchier feel.
“...w-what was tha—?”
Soo never got to finish.
There's no real reason to have the ellipses at the beginning of this dialogue.
A crushing wave of malice slammed into him, so thick it felt as if the air itself had turned hostile. The world seemed to bow, the wind stilled, the snow bending as though nature had surrendered to the will of the being emerging from it.
This is really good imagery. I like it!
The only thing I'd consider is touching up the first two sentences here because the connection via that comma just doesn't flow well. Perhaps something like:
A crushing wave of malice slammed into him, and as Soo struggled against it, he could not shake the feeling that the air itself became hostile. [cont].
While it adds more words to the overall prose, something like this helps alleviate that clunky comma. Don't underestimate the power of a good conjunction!
From the drifting white emerged a frost demon astride a pale horse. Its hair was luxuriously white, wild and spiked, framed by the thickest fur lining its heavy, winterbound garments. Blue skin stretched over sharp features, elongated ears cutting through the cold air, and its glowing eyes burned against the storm.
The pale horse reference is nice. I like that. One thing that I'd definitely suggest tweaking is the pronoun at the beginning of the second sentence. The "its" doesn't link well to the previous nouns, and structurally, it feels like you're describing the horse rather than the demon. Or maybe it is the horse? Either way, clarity would be beneficial.
Conversely, the final sentence would benefit from a pronoun, like "its" because beginning with Blue just doesn't flow from sentence-to-sentence as well as adding that pronoun would.
The second sentence, with its descriptions, paints a nice picture. However, the structure could be streamlined a bit if you wanted to play around with it.
The demon's luxurious white mane, framed by the thick fur of its winterbound garments, was arrayed in wild spikes like icicles fallen into the snow.
I took a stab at it. Basically, I cut out either redundant or unnecessary words and even added a little metaphor on the end that fits the aesthetic and evokes a little imagery. You could try something like this, but your original certainly works.
The third sentence could benefit similarly:
Its blue skin was pulled taut across sharp, angular features like its long, pointed ears that cut through the cold air like blades, or its narrowed, glowing eyes that burned against the fierce winter storm.
So, what I did is essentially focused on connecting the various descriptive elements into one package instead of leaving them in a simple list like yours. Again, what you have can, and will, work, but you could spice it up a little bit.
A crude, twisted smile tugged at its lips.
I like this.
And on its forehead, a red symbol blazed to life, shining brighter and brighter, staining the snow with an ominous crimson glow.
The only down side I have with this is it feels like we've dwelled on the demon's appearance a little too long. What I'd do is take this segment about the symbol on its forehead and put it after the "W-w-who are you?"
I'll show you what I mean when we get there!
Everyone was paralyzed in fear as more frost demons made themselves known, their silhouettes more ominous than ever before with the arrival of this boss, their horses just as intimidating.
Conceptually good, but descriptively weak.
So, the downsides here are you're using really superficial wording. "more frost demons made themselves known" is bland. "Their silhouettes more ominous..." could use a little something, and "their horses just as intimidating" also feels like it needs a little sprucing up.
Let's try this:
The onlookers were paralyzed by fear as more frost demons trudged from the growing drifts or rode in on fierce, demonic steeds. The presence of their boss was worrisome, but as his lackeys surrounded them, their fate was all-but-sealed.
I actually took the phrasing a different way by instinct. I like something with a little more action for the arrival of the demons, so a verb like trudged gets that job done. I, personally, preferred to give kudos to the boss for being a gigachad on his own and evoking such fear from these probable victims on his own, that piling on with his minions as I did props him up as a really big threat.
Feel free to play around with a solution, but I think your original sentence is one of the weakest in your whole post, so something needs to be done.
“...w-w-who are you?” Soo uttered, unable to speak properly, his skin deathly pale, his limbs shaking, unable to process the thing that was in front of him.
"W-w-who ae you?" Soo uttered, his voice caught in his throat as his eyes became transfixed by the glow of an ominous crimson symbol etched into the leader's forehead.
I really like moving that symbol description from where it was to keep the scene moving, otherwise its dangerously overloaded with descriptive elements and risks plodding along. It fits really well here.
The boss raised its hand, its fingers visible, and then, echoing across the surrounding area...
A good, tense moment arises, but I think something clipped down will have a better impact as this currently feels a bit verbose.
The demon raised its hand high, and then...
I believe that this shorter phrase has a better fit than the longer one you currently have. You want to hit that SNAP rather than linger for too long.
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Anyway, I think its a good scene. There's definitely little things that can be done, and the biggest suggestion I have is to start adding some more dynamic adverbs and adjectives to your writing. It is currently effective, but lacks the "wow" factor that a strong vocabulary will bring to it.
Keep up the good work!
