Improvement in my Entrance Creation

[MakBow]

Not going to lie, I think I'm getting better at making entrances, but I don't know, I'm too hard on myself to truly give myself a pat on the back

Context
Marching through the abyssal castle, where heavy malevolence was the only thing one could feel alone, the Star King, clad in white armor that oozed holy power was not held down by the weight of such power.
Striking the large door before him, breaking it off the hinges, he stood face to face with a tall man dressed in black, a dark surge of energy threatening to throw him out the room.
The man’s gaze was hardened, his pink eyes glowing brightly, his form human, yet his presence anything but.
“I have finally found you! Demon Emperor! I have come to bring the destruction of your empire!” Striking his sword to the ground, he used his own mana to push back, dispersing both energies.
“....aren’t you something? Never thought I would see a human get so strong. You humans are normally so weak, and with those creatures you created, honestly, I have no reason to underestimate you.”
The Star King pulled his sword from the ground, walking forward as he channeled everything he had into the sacred treasure of his family, Excalibur.

 

[Wamba2K]

Marching through the abyssal castle, where heavy malevolence was the only thing one could feel alone, the Star King, clad in white armor that oozed holy power was not held down by the weight of such power, striking the large door before him, breaking it off the hinges, standing face to face with a tall man dressed in black, a dark surge of energy threatening to throw him out the room.

This is all one sentence! The comma abuse is insane.

 

[MakBow]

This is all one sentence! The comma abuse is insane.

I'm in love with the comma okay!

 

[Wamba2K]

I'm in love with the comma okay!

My speech teacher taught me to read out loud following these rules:
A comma: half breath.
Period: one full breath.

This affects my writing because I'm always thinking about how my story would be read aloud.

Your excerpt as it is, has me out of breath trying to read it through. Because it's so much shoved into one sentence.

Let me break it down into chunks to show you what a more breathable version could look like. And I'll even throw in a bunch of commas since you love them so much.

Example ig:

The Star King marched through the abyssal castle, clad with white armor that oozed holy power. Heavy malevolence was the only thing he could feel, but he was not held down by the weight of such power.
He struck the door before him, breaking it off the hinges, and stood face to face with a tall man dressed in black. A dark surge of energy threatening to throw him out the room.

I also broke it up into two paragraphs because big chunky paragraphs stress me out.

Whoops. Turns out it was three paragraphs but it got crammed into one when I quoted it.

 

[MakBow]

My speech teacher taught me to read out loud following these rules:
A comma: half breath.
Period: one full breath.

This affects my writing because I'm always thinking about how my story would be read aloud.

Your excerpt as it is, has me out of breath trying to read it through. Because it's so much shoved into one sentence.

Let me break it down into chunks to show you what a more breathable version could look like. And I'll even throw in a bunch of commas since you love them so much.

Example ig:

The Star King marched through the abyssal castle, clad with white armor that oozed holy power. Heavy malevolence was the only thing he could feel, but he was not held down by the weight of such power.
He struck the door before him, breaking it off the hinges, and stood face to face with a tall man dressed in black. A dark surge of energy threatening to throw him out the room.

I also broke it up into two paragraphs because big chunky paragraphs stress me out.

Now that's funny since my speech teacher said the commas are full breaths whereas periods are just stops

 

[Wamba2K]

Now that's funny since my speech teacher said the commas are full breaths whereas periods are just stops

Clearly, our speech teachers must duel to the death to decide who is right.