Rockingashe
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Thank you all in advance, please tell me what you think and what I need to improve on :)
I'm looking for feedback on my new chapter! Thank you all in advance!
- Thread starter Rockingashe
- Start date
Thank you all in advance, please tell me what you think and what I need to improve on :)
HungrySheep
I like yuri
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To preface, I have no idea what the context of this chapter is as I haven't read the rest of the novel, but here are my two cents:
Right from the get-go, I spot a few minor grammatical/formatting errors which aren't exactly offensive, but they do affect the reader experience. Usually, thoughts are expressed using italics instead of quotations and the following sentence must be connected via a comma or capitalized if a period is used. There's an extremely minor nitpick in the following paragraph regarding a comma splice, but I think I'm going to sound way too pretentious if I address that.
Moving on, the description of the red-haired woman is immediately a prelude of things to come, but then again, the title of the work is "The Vampiric Lover", so I should've known what I was getting into. The following segments of dialogue are somewhat awkward in that different speakers exist within the same paragraph. Whenever someone who is not the original speaker speaks, a new line must begin. Otherwise there's not much issue aside from possibly diversifying the vocabulary (see "I yell out, letting my power fully out.").
The rest of the sequence seems rather quick in the sense that a large amount of information/exposition is given to the reader in a very short period of time and most of it is meant to be an impactful revelation. Perhaps a reader might find it better had they read the previous 43 chapters, but I feel like the reveal should be more gradual in an extended conversation between Carlie and Kamen.
A very minor issue I had was how jarring the "fight" scene was. I'm aware that this isn't a novel that focuses on combat (at least that's what I've gathered after reading through the chapter), but it's just slightly jarring to have Carlie acting nonchalant around Kamen, telling him that there will be a terrible punishment if he disobeys her, and also casually stating that she has the ability to seal his powers but then she immediately gets instagib oneshotted by Kamen mere paragraphs later before giving into his demands without any real resistance.
That's about it.
Right from the get-go, I spot a few minor grammatical/formatting errors which aren't exactly offensive, but they do affect the reader experience. Usually, thoughts are expressed using italics instead of quotations and the following sentence must be connected via a comma or capitalized if a period is used. There's an extremely minor nitpick in the following paragraph regarding a comma splice, but I think I'm going to sound way too pretentious if I address that.
Moving on, the description of the red-haired woman is immediately a prelude of things to come, but then again, the title of the work is "The Vampiric Lover", so I should've known what I was getting into. The following segments of dialogue are somewhat awkward in that different speakers exist within the same paragraph. Whenever someone who is not the original speaker speaks, a new line must begin. Otherwise there's not much issue aside from possibly diversifying the vocabulary (see "I yell out, letting my power fully out.").
The rest of the sequence seems rather quick in the sense that a large amount of information/exposition is given to the reader in a very short period of time and most of it is meant to be an impactful revelation. Perhaps a reader might find it better had they read the previous 43 chapters, but I feel like the reveal should be more gradual in an extended conversation between Carlie and Kamen.
A very minor issue I had was how jarring the "fight" scene was. I'm aware that this isn't a novel that focuses on combat (at least that's what I've gathered after reading through the chapter), but it's just slightly jarring to have Carlie acting nonchalant around Kamen, telling him that there will be a terrible punishment if he disobeys her, and also casually stating that she has the ability to seal his powers but then she immediately gets instagib oneshotted by Kamen mere paragraphs later before giving into his demands without any real resistance.
That's about it.