Hello there, young Hyper writer.
I take it this is your first time writing? Please, do not be disappointed if your story does not go well. Not everyone is a genius. In fact, it is said that any great work of art is 99% sweat and 1% genius. At most, it can be 5% genius. Anyone who says they just woke up and did it are just being delusional.
As
@Evil-Empire has pointed out, a few things, mainly structural ones, are obvious to the eyes. Why is there so much spacing between the lines? Why is there a dictionary explanation of a common word in the middle of the novel? They really break the flow, making immersion into a good world difficult.
I, however, would also like to point out that words are not only meant to be used. They are meant to not be used. Why are you repeating them so many times? A writer is expected to have a good vocabulary, or at least, able to use pronouns from times to times. Repeating "the city", "boredom", "Lootah" and the same names grows increasingly tiring when it is done without a creative purpose. It simply tires our mind-eyes.
A good story is hard to make. You need not only characters and places, but also motives. "For Sale: Baby Shoes; Never Worn." It is a complete story. Your story is sorely lacking in motive. It has an abundance of violence, but it has no motive for it to be displayed.
To make following bored people interesting is one of the greatest challenges of an author, for if you are already saying they are bored, why should we, the readers, be interested in what they are doing? Think about it next time when you decide to write about something.
Also, you should never tell your readers that things will get better later on. You should prove with your actions, in this case, with your words.
Readers, like any other human beings, are not patient beings. We have a commodity called "Time" which is not for sale anywhere in the universe. It is what governs our lives. Readers come in several different flavours, and some are more patient than others, but we ultimately are NOT patient. We expect things to get better. And for a reason: we like good stories. Just like how you, as a writer, wish to write one.
So telling others that one day things will get better does not mean a thing. If words of a future could deliver happiness, humanity would have had world peace before we had been born. In fact, we probably would never even have been born! For the World, indeed, would have been such a queer place indeed. So, instead of saying of future happenings in your story, when someone is reviewing it, you should be telling them "I understand your critics and I will work on it to make it a better work that will not disappoint you in the future!" This is the responsible attitude that authors take.
You, of course, might simply say empty words, just to flatter your audience, and keep writing the same way as before. No offence taken, the one who wrote the review will also understand. After all, a novel is not written to cater to everyone's needs, but only to a few. But do take the responsibility and be aware of the audience you will lose.
With that said. Welcome to the world of writing, young writer. Don't feel intimidated. You asked for a review, I wrote a review. Next time, you might want to try one of the several other review threads there are in the forums. They might have offered to you a softer overview on how you wrote, on where you might have gone better, why you should have written like this or not written like that. But this is the kind of review you get when you, very much BEG for reviews.
