Well, I'm giving feedback as a casual reader. I usually only read once to gauge immersion. But this time I relaxed the reading restrictions by reading the chapter several times. I only finished 2 chapters. Here are my honest impression:
(1)
Your paragraph format is too long. Long paragraphs make the reader's eyes tired quickly. It would be better to cut long paragraphs into short paragraphs (~3 - 4 short sentences) to make it easier for mobile readers.
(2)
The atmosphere of your story is more like a background paste than a living atmosphere. The atmosphere of a story should be used to build the atmosphere of the story and provide context for the story. You can't convey the atmosphere of a silent and tense night in a haunted place with just a short sentence like that night in a corner of the city, in an abandoned castle, someone was performing a heretical ritual. This feels more like a report than an immersive story atmosphere.
If you want to show a silent and tense atmosphere, you need to show symbols in the form of phenomena/settings/objects that support the atmosphere of the story.
For example, depicting fog floating on the top of the castle, depicting a dusty room inside the castle, showing blood on the sacrificial altar to show how silent and tense the atmosphere is. This way, the reader can feel the atmosphere of your story.
(3)
Over description. You often describe the characters excessively. You need a long paragraph just to describe the character. This is not good. This practice slows down the pacing of the story.
When you describe too long for a character, the time in your story feels stopped, the reader is forced to stand still and render the image of the character in his mind. The solution?
Instead of describing the character, you should use cinematic action narrative, which narrates the description (of the character) following the action. You can insert special characteristics of the character into the action. For more examples, please read this
thread.
(4)
Abrupt transitions. You describe the transition between scenes too harshly, using explanations such as "scene shifts to city X". This breaks the reader's immersion. You should make the transition smoother. You can use symbolism to transition between scenes.
For example, instead of having the narrator say "scene shifts to X"... you can use wind symbolism to bridge two scenes in different places:
Fiona is standing on the balcony. Her hair is swaying in the morning breeze. A strand of hair falls down and flies towards the North. In Frankfurt harbor... the wind blew gently, greeting a young man who was gazing at the sky on the shore. His dark robe swayed in the salt-scented breeze. (Just fill in the scene of what the mysterious young man was doing...).
(5)
Overly dense character introduction. I've only read 2 chapters, but you've already introduced 4-5 characters. Frankly, this is too much, especially for the early chapters.
Casual readers will have a hard time recognizing your characters if you introduce them too quickly and too many characters in close narrative space.
Honestly, I feel like they're more like a list of names than living characters. You should provide a narrative that focuses more on building characters in depth before introducing other characters. Otherwise, casual readers will have a hard time remembering your characters.
(6) Use of POV.
What POV are you using? After reading 2 chapters... I conclude that you're using a omniscient third POV. No problem. But you should be stricter in applying this POV. The third omniscient POV is prone to
head-hopping where the dialogue or thoughts of the characters are exchanged with each other.
(7) You should re-learn the principle of
show it, don't tell it. I still find raw emotions (like anxiety, etc) in characters, instead of showing subtext emotions through body language, dialogue, action and atmosphere.
Enrich more sensory responses including visual, audio, taste, touch, physiological, and inner state. Thus, your narrative, especially the characters and the world, will be more alive.
(8) I almost forgot...
please give spatial clues in your scenes. Don't let the reader guess where your character's position and location are.
For example, "Fiona stands in the altar room" is an abstract narrative. The reader doesn't know where Fiona is in the room. In the middle of the room? In the right corner of the room? At the back of the room?
But if you add spatial clues to "Fiona stands in the middle of the altar room. Her eyes reflect the man in the dark robe." The narrative becomes concrete.
The reader knows where Fiona is standing and can know what she sees in front of her eyes.
Well, enough feedback from me. Hope it helps you (or maybe not). Regards.
Critical Note:
My assessment may be biased. I am only explaining my perspective as a causal reader.
Are you using a translation app?
