Hello Everyone.. I would like to ask for a honest feedback for my novel, cause I don't think people like it that much.. So please tell me what you think
When the moon reaches its peak, madness shall walk the face of the earth. In a world teetering on the edge of mysteries and sanity, the moon's crimson glow heralds an age of nightmares. Everyday objects twist into monstrosities. Nature turns savage. And humanity? Their darkest emotions awaken...
My God, what have you done? This isn't a webnovel. This isn't even ramblings of a madmen. This is the thing that fallen into a well in that Lovecraft story, The Color Out of Space, that makes everyone mad. That’s exactly what this webnovel feels like: an unknowable, chaotic mass of incomprehensible thingness that doesn’t just defy logic, it actively assaults it. It’s not a story. It’s not even words anymore. It’s a cursed object masquerading as a narrative, dripping with eldritch ichor that infects anyone foolish enough to glance at it. My mortal eyes grazed to only two of those "chapters" from eleven, and I'm not worthy of looking at it further.
I simply gazed too deeply into the crimson-lit abyss of this webnovel, and now I have the maddening curse worthy of those Lovecraftian protagonists. Every "lampooned inwardly," every head-popping bloodbath, every nonsensical "gourmet" monologue, it all seeps into my brain like an ooze that leaves me forever questioning my life choices.
This is exactly what was in that well in The Color Out of Space. That uncanny, indescribable thing that turns the land barren, drives people to madness, and warps reality itself? That’s this story. Its chapters ooze out like radioactive sludge, infecting the soil of your mind, and after that nothing you read will ever feel quite right again. Even great literature will feel hollow, as if tainted by the memory of Jian "lampooning inwardly" for the fifth time in a single scene.
Sentences swirl around in endless loops of redundancy and over-description, like some sort of cursed Möbius strip. Reading it is like trying to decode an ancient language, except that language is made of broken metaphors and fragments of despair. The phrase “lampooned inwardly” is the sigil, the cursed key that unlocks the door to understanding the horror of this webnovel’s true nature. It repeats not because the author is incompetent, no, that would be merciful. It repeats because it is chanting. Like an invocation whispered again and again to summon something far beyond our comprehension.
The writing of this webnovel is not static; it moves. Each sentence stretches and loops, devouring itself like an ouroboros made of cheap adjectives and unnecessary commas. A single paragraph might seem harmless at first glance, but by the time you’ve reached its end, it has doubled back on itself, swallowing its own meaning. You reread it, certain you missed something, but no, there is nothing to understand. It was never meant to be understood.
Sentences like: "In the serene of the full moon shining brightly as the shadows which reflected through the moonlit shadows danced, alive with a subtle, eerie movement…" They fold in on themselves, collapsing your sense of time and space. The words swirl around you, a black hole of prose, and before you know it, hours have passed. You are sweating, shaking. You no longer remember what you were trying to read. The webnovel has taken you.
Ahem, cough, hmm, cough, where was I? Ah, right. You've broken every rule of PROPER writing, and it feels like eldritch manuscript. The pacing is nonexistent, one line (or rather 10 fucking paragraphs) is slow as hell because of non stop protagonist narration, and then BAM, someone's head explodes. Certainly not mine, as mine exploded halfway of chapter 1. Instead of letting tension simmer naturally, the narrative is bogged down by Jian’s endless inner monologues and redundant descriptions.
Jian is a protagonist in name only, her inner monologues overcompensating for the complete lack of agency she exhibits throughout the chapter. It feels more like authorial self insert, and the overbearing monologue WITHOUT dots, it reinforces that theory (more like a fact, whatever). None of them behave like actual people—they’re puppets jerking around on strings made of cringe.
Worldbuilding is incomprehensible. Sure, it's "mystery horror", but even in those types you need CLARITY. "Crimson moons." "Banquet servings." "Earth no_505." Oh, and meat-tendril monsters falling out of red portals in hordes. None of this feels grounded in anything remotely coherent. Sure, genre savvy can GUESS, but for ordinary readers? Pure eldritch. The worldbuilding is just word salad that happens to include adjectives like "bloody" and "chaotic," which, ironically, could also describe the your writing process (I hope not, but I see this through your writing).
Two chapters in, and absolutely nothing of value has happened. Jian wandered around, panicked a bit, screamed internally, and then some heads exploded. That’s it. And yet, the text feels infinite, stretching out forever like some Lovecraftian nightmare that traps you in an eternal void of tedium. "The End" is fitting, because my cringe meter can hold for so long.
This isn’t just bad writing. This is an artifact of madness. I’ve stumbled across something that wasn’t meant to be read by mortal eyes, and now I'm paying the price. I can almost hear the cursed text whispering in my ear: "You’ve seen too much."
The worst part is, there are nine more chapters. Nine. And you know what? They’re probably worse. There’s no redemption arc for Jian, no clever twist for the "gourmet" nonsense, and no answers to the burning question: why does this exist? All that awaits readers is more pain, more despair, and more "lampooned inwardly."
Addendum: Recommendations for Growth as a Writer
To the author, while your work shows an eagerness to engage with complex themes and a willingness to experiment with worldbuilding, it also highlights several critical areas requiring development. Writing, as both an art and craft, demands continuous refinement, and the following recommendations aim to guide you in improving your narrative skills and overall storytelling proficiency.
1. Mastering Pacing: The Rhythm of a Story
Current Issue: The narrative alternates between meandering, overly introspective sections and sudden, jarring action sequences. This disrupts the flow and prevents readers from becoming fully immersed.
Solution: Learn to balance moments of tension and reflection. Scenes should escalate naturally, building toward climaxes that feel earned rather than abrupt.
Suggested Reading:
On Writing by Stephen King (guidance on pacing and storytelling essentials).
Save the Cat! Writes a Novel by Jessica Brody (focuses on structuring narrative arcs and maintaining momentum).
2. "Show, Don’t Tell": Letting the Story Breathe
Current Issue: The narrative relies heavily on overexplaining characters’ feelings and intentions through internal monologue, which undermines immersion and engagement.
Solution: Allow actions, dialogue, and sensory details to reveal emotions and advance the plot. For example, instead of narrating Jian’s fear, show it through her behavior: trembling hands, darting eyes, or hesitation.
Suggested Reading:
The Elements of Style by Strunk and White (a classic on concise, effective prose).
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (insights on bringing authenticity and depth to writing).
3. Developing Authentic Characters
Current Issue: Characters lack believability and emotional depth. Jian, for instance, functions more as a reactive narrator than as an active protagonist. Secondary characters like Viola exhibit inconsistent behavior, further weakening the narrative.
Solution: Invest in creating multi-dimensional characters with clear motivations, flaws, and arcs. Every decision they make should feel rooted in their personality and the story’s context.
Suggested Reading:
Creating Character Arcs by K.M. Weiland (on crafting compelling and transformative character journeys).
The Art of Character by David Corbett (focuses on creating nuanced, believable characters).
4. Strengthening Worldbuilding
Current Issue: While the story incorporates intriguing concepts like "crimson moons" and "meat-tendril monsters," these elements lack coherence and grounding. Worldbuilding feels arbitrary, overwhelming readers with unexplained phenomena.
Solution: Gradually introduce key aspects of the world, establishing clear rules and logic. Ensure that every fantastical element serves a purpose in advancing the narrative or enhancing the themes.
Suggested Reading:
Worldbuilding: From Small Towns to Entire Universes by Kevin J. Anderson (guidance on crafting immersive settings).
The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin (an exemplary work showcasing how to integrate worldbuilding seamlessly with character and plot).
5. Writing Effective Dialogue
Current Issue: Dialogue in the current draft is overly formal and stilted, failing to sound natural or reflect character personalities. Characters often state emotions or thoughts directly, robbing conversations of nuance.
Solution: Ensure that dialogue reflects the characters’ unique voices and avoids unnecessary exposition. Realistic speech often contains subtext, humor, and interruptions.
Suggested Reading:
Dialogue: The Art of Verbal Action for Page, Stage, and Screen by Robert McKee (an authoritative guide to crafting meaningful and engaging dialogue).
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (notable for its realistic and character-driven dialogue).
6. Building a Cohesive Plot
Current Issue: The plot feels like a series of disconnected events rather than a structured narrative with clear goals, stakes, and resolutions. Key elements are introduced without context or follow-through, creating confusion.
Solution: Map out your story with a clear beginning, middle, and end. Define the central conflict and ensure every scene contributes to its resolution. Pay attention to cause and effect: actions must have consequences.
Suggested Reading:
The Anatomy of Story by John Truby (a comprehensive guide to crafting complex, interconnected plots).
Story by Robert McKee (a seminal work on the principles of narrative structure).
7. Refining Prose: Clarity Over Complexity
Current Issue: The writing is overly verbose, with redundant phrases and convoluted sentence structures that hinder readability. Examples like "moonlit shadows reflected through moonlit shadows" illustrate a lack of precision.
Solution: Simplify your language. Focus on clarity and brevity, ensuring each word serves a purpose. Editing is key—cut unnecessary adjectives, adverbs, and repetition.
Suggested Reading:
The Sense of Style by Steven Pinker (modern advice on crafting clear and elegant prose).
Hills Like White Elephants by Ernest Hemingway (a short story exemplifying minimalist and impactful prose).
8. Editing: The Path to Excellence
Current Issue: The work reads like a raw first draft, riddled with grammatical errors, awkward phrasing, and structural issues.
Solution: Embrace editing as a vital part of the creative process. Consider seeking feedback from peers or professional editors. Revision isn’t just about fixing mistakes; it’s about finding the best version of your story.
Suggested Reading:
The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman (on how to polish writing to capture readers and editors alike).
Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King (practical advice on refining prose and narrative).
9. Balancing Themes and Genre Expectations
Current Issue: While attempting to blend genres (horror, mystery, fantasy), the narrative sacrifices clarity and coherence, resulting in tonal inconsistency. For instance, sudden gore scenes feel gratuitous rather than earned.
Solution: Identify the core theme of the story and ensure that all elements support it. Whether it’s survival, redemption, or the fragility of humanity, let the theme guide your choices in tone and genre.
Suggested Reading:
The Road by Cormac McCarthy (masterfully balances bleakness and emotional depth).
Dracula by Bram Stoker (a classic example of maintaining thematic focus in horror).
Final Words to the Author
Writing is a journey, and mistakes are an inevitable part of the process. This webnovel, while deeply flawed, represents a starting point—a canvas where ideas have taken shape, albeit in chaotic and unpolished ways. By studying the craft and embracing constructive criticism, you can transform this raw material into a meaningful and engaging narrative.
Remember: writing isn’t just about putting words on a page—it’s about connecting with readers, crafting memorable characters, and evoking emotions that linger long after the final sentence. Approach each new project with humility, curiosity, and a commitment to growth, and you will improve.
Good luck, and may your next work be a testament to how far you’ve come.
My God, what have you done? This isn't a webnovel. This isn't even ramblings of a madmen. This is the thing that fallen into a well in that Lovecraft story, The Color Out of Space, that makes everyone mad. That’s exactly what this webnovel feels like: an unknowable, chaotic mass of incomprehensible thingness that doesn’t just defy logic, it actively assaults it. It’s not a story. It’s not even words anymore. It’s a cursed object masquerading as a narrative, dripping with eldritch ichor that infects anyone foolish enough to glance at it. My mortal eyes grazed to only two of those "chapters" from eleven, and I'm not worthy of looking at it further.
I simply gazed too deeply into the crimson-lit abyss of this webnovel, and now I have the maddening curse worthy of those Lovecraftian protagonists. Every "lampooned inwardly," every head-popping bloodbath, every nonsensical "gourmet" monologue, it all seeps into my brain like an ooze that leaves me forever questioning my life choices.
This is exactly what was in that well in The Color Out of Space. That uncanny, indescribable thing that turns the land barren, drives people to madness, and warps reality itself? That’s this story. Its chapters ooze out like radioactive sludge, infecting the soil of your mind, and after that nothing you read will ever feel quite right again. Even great literature will feel hollow, as if tainted by the memory of Jian "lampooning inwardly" for the fifth time in a single scene.
Sentences swirl around in endless loops of redundancy and over-description, like some sort of cursed Möbius strip. Reading it is like trying to decode an ancient language, except that language is made of broken metaphors and fragments of despair. The phrase “lampooned inwardly” is the sigil, the cursed key that unlocks the door to understanding the horror of this webnovel’s true nature. It repeats not because the author is incompetent, no, that would be merciful. It repeats because it is chanting. Like an invocation whispered again and again to summon something far beyond our comprehension.
The writing of this webnovel is not static; it moves. Each sentence stretches and loops, devouring itself like an ouroboros made of cheap adjectives and unnecessary commas. A single paragraph might seem harmless at first glance, but by the time you’ve reached its end, it has doubled back on itself, swallowing its own meaning. You reread it, certain you missed something, but no, there is nothing to understand. It was never meant to be understood.
Sentences like: "In the serene of the full moon shining brightly as the shadows which reflected through the moonlit shadows danced, alive with a subtle, eerie movement…" They fold in on themselves, collapsing your sense of time and space. The words swirl around you, a black hole of prose, and before you know it, hours have passed. You are sweating, shaking. You no longer remember what you were trying to read. The webnovel has taken you.
Ahem, cough, hmm, cough, where was I? Ah, right. You've broken every rule of PROPER writing, and it feels like eldritch manuscript. The pacing is nonexistent, one line (or rather 10 fucking paragraphs) is slow as hell because of non stop protagonist narration, and then BAM, someone's head explodes. Certainly not mine, as mine exploded halfway of chapter 1. Instead of letting tension simmer naturally, the narrative is bogged down by Jian’s endless inner monologues and redundant descriptions.
Jian is a protagonist in name only, her inner monologues overcompensating for the complete lack of agency she exhibits throughout the chapter. It feels more like authorial self insert, and the overbearing monologue WITHOUT dots, it reinforces that theory (more like a fact, whatever). None of them behave like actual people—they’re puppets jerking around on strings made of cringe.
Worldbuilding is incomprehensible. Sure, it's "mystery horror", but even in those types you need CLARITY. "Crimson moons." "Banquet servings." "Earth no_505." Oh, and meat-tendril monsters falling out of red portals in hordes. None of this feels grounded in anything remotely coherent. Sure, genre savvy can GUESS, but for ordinary readers? Pure eldritch. The worldbuilding is just word salad that happens to include adjectives like "bloody" and "chaotic," which, ironically, could also describe the your writing process (I hope not, but I see this through your writing).
Two chapters in, and absolutely nothing of value has happened. Jian wandered around, panicked a bit, screamed internally, and then some heads exploded. That’s it. And yet, the text feels infinite, stretching out forever like some Lovecraftian nightmare that traps you in an eternal void of tedium. "The End" is fitting, because my cringe meter can hold for so long.
This isn’t just bad writing. This is an artifact of madness. I’ve stumbled across something that wasn’t meant to be read by mortal eyes, and now I'm paying the price. I can almost hear the cursed text whispering in my ear: "You’ve seen too much."
The worst part is, there are nine more chapters. Nine. And you know what? They’re probably worse. There’s no redemption arc for Jian, no clever twist for the "gourmet" nonsense, and no answers to the burning question: why does this exist? All that awaits readers is more pain, more despair, and more "lampooned inwardly."
Addendum: Recommendations for Growth as a Writer
To the author, while your work shows an eagerness to engage with complex themes and a willingness to experiment with worldbuilding, it also highlights several critical areas requiring development. Writing, as both an art and craft, demands continuous refinement, and the following recommendations aim to guide you in improving your narrative skills and overall storytelling proficiency.
1. Mastering Pacing: The Rhythm of a Story
Current Issue: The narrative alternates between meandering, overly introspective sections and sudden, jarring action sequences. This disrupts the flow and prevents readers from becoming fully immersed.
Solution: Learn to balance moments of tension and reflection. Scenes should escalate naturally, building toward climaxes that feel earned rather than abrupt.
Suggested Reading:
On Writing by Stephen King (guidance on pacing and storytelling essentials).
Save the Cat! Writes a Novel by Jessica Brody (focuses on structuring narrative arcs and maintaining momentum).
2. "Show, Don’t Tell": Letting the Story Breathe
Current Issue: The narrative relies heavily on overexplaining characters’ feelings and intentions through internal monologue, which undermines immersion and engagement.
Solution: Allow actions, dialogue, and sensory details to reveal emotions and advance the plot. For example, instead of narrating Jian’s fear, show it through her behavior: trembling hands, darting eyes, or hesitation.
Suggested Reading:
The Elements of Style by Strunk and White (a classic on concise, effective prose).
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (insights on bringing authenticity and depth to writing).
3. Developing Authentic Characters
Current Issue: Characters lack believability and emotional depth. Jian, for instance, functions more as a reactive narrator than as an active protagonist. Secondary characters like Viola exhibit inconsistent behavior, further weakening the narrative.
Solution: Invest in creating multi-dimensional characters with clear motivations, flaws, and arcs. Every decision they make should feel rooted in their personality and the story’s context.
Suggested Reading:
Creating Character Arcs by K.M. Weiland (on crafting compelling and transformative character journeys).
The Art of Character by David Corbett (focuses on creating nuanced, believable characters).
4. Strengthening Worldbuilding
Current Issue: While the story incorporates intriguing concepts like "crimson moons" and "meat-tendril monsters," these elements lack coherence and grounding. Worldbuilding feels arbitrary, overwhelming readers with unexplained phenomena.
Solution: Gradually introduce key aspects of the world, establishing clear rules and logic. Ensure that every fantastical element serves a purpose in advancing the narrative or enhancing the themes.
Suggested Reading:
Worldbuilding: From Small Towns to Entire Universes by Kevin J. Anderson (guidance on crafting immersive settings).
The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin (an exemplary work showcasing how to integrate worldbuilding seamlessly with character and plot).
5. Writing Effective Dialogue
Current Issue: Dialogue in the current draft is overly formal and stilted, failing to sound natural or reflect character personalities. Characters often state emotions or thoughts directly, robbing conversations of nuance.
Solution: Ensure that dialogue reflects the characters’ unique voices and avoids unnecessary exposition. Realistic speech often contains subtext, humor, and interruptions.
Suggested Reading:
Dialogue: The Art of Verbal Action for Page, Stage, and Screen by Robert McKee (an authoritative guide to crafting meaningful and engaging dialogue).
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (notable for its realistic and character-driven dialogue).
6. Building a Cohesive Plot
Current Issue: The plot feels like a series of disconnected events rather than a structured narrative with clear goals, stakes, and resolutions. Key elements are introduced without context or follow-through, creating confusion.
Solution: Map out your story with a clear beginning, middle, and end. Define the central conflict and ensure every scene contributes to its resolution. Pay attention to cause and effect: actions must have consequences.
Suggested Reading:
The Anatomy of Story by John Truby (a comprehensive guide to crafting complex, interconnected plots).
Story by Robert McKee (a seminal work on the principles of narrative structure).
7. Refining Prose: Clarity Over Complexity
Current Issue: The writing is overly verbose, with redundant phrases and convoluted sentence structures that hinder readability. Examples like "moonlit shadows reflected through moonlit shadows" illustrate a lack of precision.
Solution: Simplify your language. Focus on clarity and brevity, ensuring each word serves a purpose. Editing is key—cut unnecessary adjectives, adverbs, and repetition.
Suggested Reading:
The Sense of Style by Steven Pinker (modern advice on crafting clear and elegant prose).
Hills Like White Elephants by Ernest Hemingway (a short story exemplifying minimalist and impactful prose).
8. Editing: The Path to Excellence
Current Issue: The work reads like a raw first draft, riddled with grammatical errors, awkward phrasing, and structural issues.
Solution: Embrace editing as a vital part of the creative process. Consider seeking feedback from peers or professional editors. Revision isn’t just about fixing mistakes; it’s about finding the best version of your story.
Suggested Reading:
The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman (on how to polish writing to capture readers and editors alike).
Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King (practical advice on refining prose and narrative).
9. Balancing Themes and Genre Expectations
Current Issue: While attempting to blend genres (horror, mystery, fantasy), the narrative sacrifices clarity and coherence, resulting in tonal inconsistency. For instance, sudden gore scenes feel gratuitous rather than earned.
Solution: Identify the core theme of the story and ensure that all elements support it. Whether it’s survival, redemption, or the fragility of humanity, let the theme guide your choices in tone and genre.
Suggested Reading:
The Road by Cormac McCarthy (masterfully balances bleakness and emotional depth).
Dracula by Bram Stoker (a classic example of maintaining thematic focus in horror).
Final Words to the Author
Writing is a journey, and mistakes are an inevitable part of the process. This webnovel, while deeply flawed, represents a starting point—a canvas where ideas have taken shape, albeit in chaotic and unpolished ways. By studying the craft and embracing constructive criticism, you can transform this raw material into a meaningful and engaging narrative.
Remember: writing isn’t just about putting words on a page—it’s about connecting with readers, crafting memorable characters, and evoking emotions that linger long after the final sentence. Approach each new project with humility, curiosity, and a commitment to growth, and you will improve.
Good luck, and may your next work be a testament to how far you’ve come.
Oh god, Way to crush a new author's spirits, so thoroughly. On the other hand, your commitment to critique is commendable and deserves recognition, perhaps even multiple accolades.
My God, what have you done? This isn't a webnovel. This isn't even ramblings of a madmen. This is the thing that fallen into a well in that Lovecraft story, The Color Out of Space, that makes everyone mad. That’s exactly what this webnovel feels like: an unknowable, chaotic mass of incomprehensible thingness that doesn’t just defy logic, it actively assaults it. It’s not a story. It’s not even words anymore. It’s a cursed object masquerading as a narrative, dripping with eldritch ichor that infects anyone foolish enough to glance at it. My mortal eyes grazed to only two of those "chapters" from eleven, and I'm not worthy of looking at it further.
I simply gazed too deeply into the crimson-lit abyss of this webnovel, and now I have the maddening curse worthy of those Lovecraftian protagonists. Every "lampooned inwardly," every head-popping bloodbath, every nonsensical "gourmet" monologue, it all seeps into my brain like an ooze that leaves me forever questioning my life choices.
This is exactly what was in that well in The Color Out of Space. That uncanny, indescribable thing that turns the land barren, drives people to madness, and warps reality itself? That’s this story. Its chapters ooze out like radioactive sludge, infecting the soil of your mind, and after that nothing you read will ever feel quite right again. Even great literature will feel hollow, as if tainted by the memory of Jian "lampooning inwardly" for the fifth time in a single scene.
Sentences swirl around in endless loops of redundancy and over-description, like some sort of cursed Möbius strip. Reading it is like trying to decode an ancient language, except that language is made of broken metaphors and fragments of despair. The phrase “lampooned inwardly” is the sigil, the cursed key that unlocks the door to understanding the horror of this webnovel’s true nature. It repeats not because the author is incompetent, no, that would be merciful. It repeats because it is chanting. Like an invocation whispered again and again to summon something far beyond our comprehension.
The writing of this webnovel is not static; it moves. Each sentence stretches and loops, devouring itself like an ouroboros made of cheap adjectives and unnecessary commas. A single paragraph might seem harmless at first glance, but by the time you’ve reached its end, it has doubled back on itself, swallowing its own meaning. You reread it, certain you missed something, but no, there is nothing to understand. It was never meant to be understood.
Sentences like: "In the serene of the full moon shining brightly as the shadows which reflected through the moonlit shadows danced, alive with a subtle, eerie movement…" They fold in on themselves, collapsing your sense of time and space. The words swirl around you, a black hole of prose, and before you know it, hours have passed. You are sweating, shaking. You no longer remember what you were trying to read. The webnovel has taken you.
Ahem, cough, hmm, cough, where was I? Ah, right. You've broken every rule of PROPER writing, and it feels like eldritch manuscript. The pacing is nonexistent, one line (or rather 10 fucking paragraphs) is slow as hell because of non stop protagonist narration, and then BAM, someone's head explodes. Certainly not mine, as mine exploded halfway of chapter 1. Instead of letting tension simmer naturally, the narrative is bogged down by Jian’s endless inner monologues and redundant descriptions.
Jian is a protagonist in name only, her inner monologues overcompensating for the complete lack of agency she exhibits throughout the chapter. It feels more like authorial self insert, and the overbearing monologue WITHOUT dots, it reinforces that theory (more like a fact, whatever). None of them behave like actual people—they’re puppets jerking around on strings made of cringe.
Worldbuilding is incomprehensible. Sure, it's "mystery horror", but even in those types you need CLARITY. "Crimson moons." "Banquet servings." "Earth no_505." Oh, and meat-tendril monsters falling out of red portals in hordes. None of this feels grounded in anything remotely coherent. Sure, genre savvy can GUESS, but for ordinary readers? Pure eldritch. The worldbuilding is just word salad that happens to include adjectives like "bloody" and "chaotic," which, ironically, could also describe the your writing process (I hope not, but I see this through your writing).
Two chapters in, and absolutely nothing of value has happened. Jian wandered around, panicked a bit, screamed internally, and then some heads exploded. That’s it. And yet, the text feels infinite, stretching out forever like some Lovecraftian nightmare that traps you in an eternal void of tedium. "The End" is fitting, because my cringe meter can hold for so long.
This isn’t just bad writing. This is an artifact of madness. I’ve stumbled across something that wasn’t meant to be read by mortal eyes, and now I'm paying the price. I can almost hear the cursed text whispering in my ear: "You’ve seen too much."
The worst part is, there are nine more chapters. Nine. And you know what? They’re probably worse. There’s no redemption arc for Jian, no clever twist for the "gourmet" nonsense, and no answers to the burning question: why does this exist? All that awaits readers is more pain, more despair, and more "lampooned inwardly."
Addendum: Recommendations for Growth as a Writer
To the author, while your work shows an eagerness to engage with complex themes and a willingness to experiment with worldbuilding, it also highlights several critical areas requiring development. Writing, as both an art and craft, demands continuous refinement, and the following recommendations aim to guide you in improving your narrative skills and overall storytelling proficiency.
1. Mastering Pacing: The Rhythm of a Story
Current Issue: The narrative alternates between meandering, overly introspective sections and sudden, jarring action sequences. This disrupts the flow and prevents readers from becoming fully immersed.
Solution: Learn to balance moments of tension and reflection. Scenes should escalate naturally, building toward climaxes that feel earned rather than abrupt.
Suggested Reading:
On Writing by Stephen King (guidance on pacing and storytelling essentials).
Save the Cat! Writes a Novel by Jessica Brody (focuses on structuring narrative arcs and maintaining momentum).
2. "Show, Don’t Tell": Letting the Story Breathe
Current Issue: The narrative relies heavily on overexplaining characters’ feelings and intentions through internal monologue, which undermines immersion and engagement.
Solution: Allow actions, dialogue, and sensory details to reveal emotions and advance the plot. For example, instead of narrating Jian’s fear, show it through her behavior: trembling hands, darting eyes, or hesitation.
Suggested Reading:
The Elements of Style by Strunk and White (a classic on concise, effective prose).
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (insights on bringing authenticity and depth to writing).
3. Developing Authentic Characters
Current Issue: Characters lack believability and emotional depth. Jian, for instance, functions more as a reactive narrator than as an active protagonist. Secondary characters like Viola exhibit inconsistent behavior, further weakening the narrative.
Solution: Invest in creating multi-dimensional characters with clear motivations, flaws, and arcs. Every decision they make should feel rooted in their personality and the story’s context.
Suggested Reading:
Creating Character Arcs by K.M. Weiland (on crafting compelling and transformative character journeys).
The Art of Character by David Corbett (focuses on creating nuanced, believable characters).
4. Strengthening Worldbuilding
Current Issue: While the story incorporates intriguing concepts like "crimson moons" and "meat-tendril monsters," these elements lack coherence and grounding. Worldbuilding feels arbitrary, overwhelming readers with unexplained phenomena.
Solution: Gradually introduce key aspects of the world, establishing clear rules and logic. Ensure that every fantastical element serves a purpose in advancing the narrative or enhancing the themes.
Suggested Reading:
Worldbuilding: From Small Towns to Entire Universes by Kevin J. Anderson (guidance on crafting immersive settings).
The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin (an exemplary work showcasing how to integrate worldbuilding seamlessly with character and plot).
5. Writing Effective Dialogue
Current Issue: Dialogue in the current draft is overly formal and stilted, failing to sound natural or reflect character personalities. Characters often state emotions or thoughts directly, robbing conversations of nuance.
Solution: Ensure that dialogue reflects the characters’ unique voices and avoids unnecessary exposition. Realistic speech often contains subtext, humor, and interruptions.
Suggested Reading:
Dialogue: The Art of Verbal Action for Page, Stage, and Screen by Robert McKee (an authoritative guide to crafting meaningful and engaging dialogue).
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (notable for its realistic and character-driven dialogue).
6. Building a Cohesive Plot
Current Issue: The plot feels like a series of disconnected events rather than a structured narrative with clear goals, stakes, and resolutions. Key elements are introduced without context or follow-through, creating confusion.
Solution: Map out your story with a clear beginning, middle, and end. Define the central conflict and ensure every scene contributes to its resolution. Pay attention to cause and effect: actions must have consequences.
Suggested Reading:
The Anatomy of Story by John Truby (a comprehensive guide to crafting complex, interconnected plots).
Story by Robert McKee (a seminal work on the principles of narrative structure).
7. Refining Prose: Clarity Over Complexity
Current Issue: The writing is overly verbose, with redundant phrases and convoluted sentence structures that hinder readability. Examples like "moonlit shadows reflected through moonlit shadows" illustrate a lack of precision.
Solution: Simplify your language. Focus on clarity and brevity, ensuring each word serves a purpose. Editing is key—cut unnecessary adjectives, adverbs, and repetition.
Suggested Reading:
The Sense of Style by Steven Pinker (modern advice on crafting clear and elegant prose).
Hills Like White Elephants by Ernest Hemingway (a short story exemplifying minimalist and impactful prose).
8. Editing: The Path to Excellence
Current Issue: The work reads like a raw first draft, riddled with grammatical errors, awkward phrasing, and structural issues.
Solution: Embrace editing as a vital part of the creative process. Consider seeking feedback from peers or professional editors. Revision isn’t just about fixing mistakes; it’s about finding the best version of your story.
Suggested Reading:
The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman (on how to polish writing to capture readers and editors alike).
Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King (practical advice on refining prose and narrative).
9. Balancing Themes and Genre Expectations
Current Issue: While attempting to blend genres (horror, mystery, fantasy), the narrative sacrifices clarity and coherence, resulting in tonal inconsistency. For instance, sudden gore scenes feel gratuitous rather than earned.
Solution: Identify the core theme of the story and ensure that all elements support it. Whether it’s survival, redemption, or the fragility of humanity, let the theme guide your choices in tone and genre.
Suggested Reading:
The Road by Cormac McCarthy (masterfully balances bleakness and emotional depth).
Dracula by Bram Stoker (a classic example of maintaining thematic focus in horror).
Final Words to the Author
Writing is a journey, and mistakes are an inevitable part of the process. This webnovel, while deeply flawed, represents a starting point—a canvas where ideas have taken shape, albeit in chaotic and unpolished ways. By studying the craft and embracing constructive criticism, you can transform this raw material into a meaningful and engaging narrative.
Remember: writing isn’t just about putting words on a page—it’s about connecting with readers, crafting memorable characters, and evoking emotions that linger long after the final sentence. Approach each new project with humility, curiosity, and a commitment to growth, and you will improve.
Good luck, and mayThan your next work be a testament to how far you’ve come.
Oh god, Way to crush a new author's spirits, so thoroughly. On the other hand, your commitment to critique is commendable and deserves recognition, perhaps even multiple accolades.
He didn't actually crush me. He kind of corrected me of my actions and what I got wrong... Not everyone will commit their time to read the novel and write this long comment to tell me what my flaws are .....
Thanks For Your Clear And Open Discipline.. I'll take it to Heart And Try My Best... I Appreciate Once Again....
He didn't actually crush me. He kind of corrected me of my actions and what I got wrong... Not everyone will commit their time to read the novel and write this long comment to tell me what my flaws are .....
My God, what have you done? This isn't a webnovel. This isn't even ramblings of a madmen. This is the thing that fallen into a well in that Lovecraft story, The Color Out of Space, that makes everyone mad. That’s exactly what this webnovel feels like: an unknowable, chaotic mass of incomprehensible thingness that doesn’t just defy logic, it actively assaults it. It’s not a story. It’s not even words anymore. It’s a cursed object masquerading as a narrative, dripping with eldritch ichor that infects anyone foolish enough to glance at it. My mortal eyes grazed to only two of those "chapters" from eleven, and I'm not worthy of looking at it further.
I simply gazed too deeply into the crimson-lit abyss of this webnovel, and now I have the maddening curse worthy of those Lovecraftian protagonists. Every "lampooned inwardly," every head-popping bloodbath, every nonsensical "gourmet" monologue, it all seeps into my brain like an ooze that leaves me forever questioning my life choices.
This is exactly what was in that well in The Color Out of Space. That uncanny, indescribable thing that turns the land barren, drives people to madness, and warps reality itself? That’s this story. Its chapters ooze out like radioactive sludge, infecting the soil of your mind, and after that nothing you read will ever feel quite right again. Even great literature will feel hollow, as if tainted by the memory of Jian "lampooning inwardly" for the fifth time in a single scene.
Sentences swirl around in endless loops of redundancy and over-description, like some sort of cursed Möbius strip. Reading it is like trying to decode an ancient language, except that language is made of broken metaphors and fragments of despair. The phrase “lampooned inwardly” is the sigil, the cursed key that unlocks the door to understanding the horror of this webnovel’s true nature. It repeats not because the author is incompetent, no, that would be merciful. It repeats because it is chanting. Like an invocation whispered again and again to summon something far beyond our comprehension.
The writing of this webnovel is not static; it moves. Each sentence stretches and loops, devouring itself like an ouroboros made of cheap adjectives and unnecessary commas. A single paragraph might seem harmless at first glance, but by the time you’ve reached its end, it has doubled back on itself, swallowing its own meaning. You reread it, certain you missed something, but no, there is nothing to understand. It was never meant to be understood.
Sentences like: "In the serene of the full moon shining brightly as the shadows which reflected through the moonlit shadows danced, alive with a subtle, eerie movement…" They fold in on themselves, collapsing your sense of time and space. The words swirl around you, a black hole of prose, and before you know it, hours have passed. You are sweating, shaking. You no longer remember what you were trying to read. The webnovel has taken you.
Ahem, cough, hmm, cough, where was I? Ah, right. You've broken every rule of PROPER writing, and it feels like eldritch manuscript. The pacing is nonexistent, one line (or rather 10 fucking paragraphs) is slow as hell because of non stop protagonist narration, and then BAM, someone's head explodes. Certainly not mine, as mine exploded halfway of chapter 1. Instead of letting tension simmer naturally, the narrative is bogged down by Jian’s endless inner monologues and redundant descriptions.
Jian is a protagonist in name only, her inner monologues overcompensating for the complete lack of agency she exhibits throughout the chapter. It feels more like authorial self insert, and the overbearing monologue WITHOUT dots, it reinforces that theory (more like a fact, whatever). None of them behave like actual people—they’re puppets jerking around on strings made of cringe.
Worldbuilding is incomprehensible. Sure, it's "mystery horror", but even in those types you need CLARITY. "Crimson moons." "Banquet servings." "Earth no_505." Oh, and meat-tendril monsters falling out of red portals in hordes. None of this feels grounded in anything remotely coherent. Sure, genre savvy can GUESS, but for ordinary readers? Pure eldritch. The worldbuilding is just word salad that happens to include adjectives like "bloody" and "chaotic," which, ironically, could also describe the your writing process (I hope not, but I see this through your writing).
Two chapters in, and absolutely nothing of value has happened. Jian wandered around, panicked a bit, screamed internally, and then some heads exploded. That’s it. And yet, the text feels infinite, stretching out forever like some Lovecraftian nightmare that traps you in an eternal void of tedium. "The End" is fitting, because my cringe meter can hold for so long.
This isn’t just bad writing. This is an artifact of madness. I’ve stumbled across something that wasn’t meant to be read by mortal eyes, and now I'm paying the price. I can almost hear the cursed text whispering in my ear: "You’ve seen too much."
The worst part is, there are nine more chapters. Nine. And you know what? They’re probably worse. There’s no redemption arc for Jian, no clever twist for the "gourmet" nonsense, and no answers to the burning question: why does this exist? All that awaits readers is more pain, more despair, and more "lampooned inwardly."
Addendum: Recommendations for Growth as a Writer
To the author, while your work shows an eagerness to engage with complex themes and a willingness to experiment with worldbuilding, it also highlights several critical areas requiring development. Writing, as both an art and craft, demands continuous refinement, and the following recommendations aim to guide you in improving your narrative skills and overall storytelling proficiency.
1. Mastering Pacing: The Rhythm of a Story
Current Issue: The narrative alternates between meandering, overly introspective sections and sudden, jarring action sequences. This disrupts the flow and prevents readers from becoming fully immersed.
Solution: Learn to balance moments of tension and reflection. Scenes should escalate naturally, building toward climaxes that feel earned rather than abrupt.
Suggested Reading:
On Writing by Stephen King (guidance on pacing and storytelling essentials).
Save the Cat! Writes a Novel by Jessica Brody (focuses on structuring narrative arcs and maintaining momentum).
2. "Show, Don’t Tell": Letting the Story Breathe
Current Issue: The narrative relies heavily on overexplaining characters’ feelings and intentions through internal monologue, which undermines immersion and engagement.
Solution: Allow actions, dialogue, and sensory details to reveal emotions and advance the plot. For example, instead of narrating Jian’s fear, show it through her behavior: trembling hands, darting eyes, or hesitation.
Suggested Reading:
The Elements of Style by Strunk and White (a classic on concise, effective prose).
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (insights on bringing authenticity and depth to writing).
3. Developing Authentic Characters
Current Issue: Characters lack believability and emotional depth. Jian, for instance, functions more as a reactive narrator than as an active protagonist. Secondary characters like Viola exhibit inconsistent behavior, further weakening the narrative.
Solution: Invest in creating multi-dimensional characters with clear motivations, flaws, and arcs. Every decision they make should feel rooted in their personality and the story’s context.
Suggested Reading:
Creating Character Arcs by K.M. Weiland (on crafting compelling and transformative character journeys).
The Art of Character by David Corbett (focuses on creating nuanced, believable characters).
4. Strengthening Worldbuilding
Current Issue: While the story incorporates intriguing concepts like "crimson moons" and "meat-tendril monsters," these elements lack coherence and grounding. Worldbuilding feels arbitrary, overwhelming readers with unexplained phenomena.
Solution: Gradually introduce key aspects of the world, establishing clear rules and logic. Ensure that every fantastical element serves a purpose in advancing the narrative or enhancing the themes.
Suggested Reading:
Worldbuilding: From Small Towns to Entire Universes by Kevin J. Anderson (guidance on crafting immersive settings).
The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin (an exemplary work showcasing how to integrate worldbuilding seamlessly with character and plot).
5. Writing Effective Dialogue
Current Issue: Dialogue in the current draft is overly formal and stilted, failing to sound natural or reflect character personalities. Characters often state emotions or thoughts directly, robbing conversations of nuance.
Solution: Ensure that dialogue reflects the characters’ unique voices and avoids unnecessary exposition. Realistic speech often contains subtext, humor, and interruptions.
Suggested Reading:
Dialogue: The Art of Verbal Action for Page, Stage, and Screen by Robert McKee (an authoritative guide to crafting meaningful and engaging dialogue).
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (notable for its realistic and character-driven dialogue).
6. Building a Cohesive Plot
Current Issue: The plot feels like a series of disconnected events rather than a structured narrative with clear goals, stakes, and resolutions. Key elements are introduced without context or follow-through, creating confusion.
Solution: Map out your story with a clear beginning, middle, and end. Define the central conflict and ensure every scene contributes to its resolution. Pay attention to cause and effect: actions must have consequences.
Suggested Reading:
The Anatomy of Story by John Truby (a comprehensive guide to crafting complex, interconnected plots).
Story by Robert McKee (a seminal work on the principles of narrative structure).
7. Refining Prose: Clarity Over Complexity
Current Issue: The writing is overly verbose, with redundant phrases and convoluted sentence structures that hinder readability. Examples like "moonlit shadows reflected through moonlit shadows" illustrate a lack of precision.
Solution: Simplify your language. Focus on clarity and brevity, ensuring each word serves a purpose. Editing is key—cut unnecessary adjectives, adverbs, and repetition.
Suggested Reading:
The Sense of Style by Steven Pinker (modern advice on crafting clear and elegant prose).
Hills Like White Elephants by Ernest Hemingway (a short story exemplifying minimalist and impactful prose).
8. Editing: The Path to Excellence
Current Issue: The work reads like a raw first draft, riddled with grammatical errors, awkward phrasing, and structural issues.
Solution: Embrace editing as a vital part of the creative process. Consider seeking feedback from peers or professional editors. Revision isn’t just about fixing mistakes; it’s about finding the best version of your story.
Suggested Reading:
The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman (on how to polish writing to capture readers and editors alike).
Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King (practical advice on refining prose and narrative).
9. Balancing Themes and Genre Expectations
Current Issue: While attempting to blend genres (horror, mystery, fantasy), the narrative sacrifices clarity and coherence, resulting in tonal inconsistency. For instance, sudden gore scenes feel gratuitous rather than earned.
Solution: Identify the core theme of the story and ensure that all elements support it. Whether it’s survival, redemption, or the fragility of humanity, let the theme guide your choices in tone and genre.
Suggested Reading:
The Road by Cormac McCarthy (masterfully balances bleakness and emotional depth).
Dracula by Bram Stoker (a classic example of maintaining thematic focus in horror).
Final Words to the Author
Writing is a journey, and mistakes are an inevitable part of the process. This webnovel, while deeply flawed, represents a starting point—a canvas where ideas have taken shape, albeit in chaotic and unpolished ways. By studying the craft and embracing constructive criticism, you can transform this raw material into a meaningful and engaging narrative.
Remember: writing isn’t just about putting words on a page—it’s about connecting with readers, crafting memorable characters, and evoking emotions that linger long after the final sentence. Approach each new project with humility, curiosity, and a commitment to growth, and you will improve.
Good luck, and may your next work be a testament to how far you’ve come.
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