I would like to ask your opinion on the sex scene in the novel draft.

[Hurnks]

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1079966-for-the-benefit-of-my-queen/chapter/1103225/

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Not a fan of plain sex/porn. There is not much else going on there; you should make those dialogue paragraphs less heavy by breaking them apart. Cell phone users may see that and run. Maybe use different things to call genitalia, making it more appealing and flowery.

Then again, this is the romantic in me, and I don't like it when their name calls genitalia in descriptions. But that may be my preference as I don't read smut for the sex, more for the romantic moments.

I'll refrain from speaking on grammar as I'm not the best at explaining it. But...

Spoiler: Sounds odd

“Young Servant, we have five minutes. Stick that huge penis inside you,” she said, her blue eyes bright with daring intent, as she removed her white bra, exposing her ripe, turgid breasts.

Is she asking to stick it into himself? If so well done. Otherwise you should probably change that you with inside me.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Too smol.

 

[Enkiari]

Okay. As someone who has written a bit of smut for AO3 in my days, I'll try to give my input.
People seemed to like it, for what it is worth. I am also currently writing smut if you want to check how I do it.

Just using 'cock', 'dick' and 'pussy' won't do unless it is said by one of the characters.
You want to either go with gentler expressions or harsher ones - depending on the tone of the act. Try to avoid using the same word twice in the same scene.
The scene is too rushed but also has useless information in the middle of the act. If you want to tell the reader the Queen likes it rough - do it before they start fucking or make her demand it to be rougher.
The dialogue is awkward.
Some things don't match up. If the act is so rough, then why are the 'fiery red hair swaying gently.'
If you wanted to make the act sound like work for the MC, you succeeded. As is, he is just a rod to satisfy the queen.
Which begs the question - is the MC just a fucktoy? There doesn't seem to be any chemistry between the two.
No feelings are exchanged, MC thinks nothing of the act.
Also. Try to describe more of what they sense. There is more than just touch and sight.

 

[georgelee5786]

Cringe