I'm finally thinking of posting my first story here (The procastrination is stronk in this one) and I want some feedback on the story idea and the synopsis.
So Let's-a-go!
Synopsis:
“I’ll give you half the world, so let me join you!”
Have you ever wondered what would happen if the deity that summoned you was chaotic evil (or maybe just chaotic chaotic), the country that summoned you ruled by a bunch of brainfarts and the "actual hero" a walking cliché?
William Haynes didn't. And now he has other problems.
Summoned as nothing more than Experience points for the actual heroes, he somehow has to make himself useful enough to not get killed. All while trying to survive long enough to get a chance to flee. And also free the only sane person around, a seemingly immortal witch whose powers are used as a source of energy. Engergy that is used to summon heroes the kingdom then enslaves to fight in their war against the Demon King.
Now marked as a slave andchained to a forge there seems to be only one way to get out of this mess: Somehow contact the Demons and join them.
"Have you ever wondered what would happen if the deity that summoned you was chaotic evil (or maybe just chaotic chaotic), the country that summoned you ruled by a bunch of brainfarts and the "actual hero" a walking cliché?"
Maybe it's because of the parenthesis, but the sentence is too long for my 3 brain cells. But having a question is good, I think. Maybe.
"William Haynes didn't. And now he has other problems."
So, did I read that long-ass sentence for no reason?
"Summoned as nothing more than Experience points for the actual heroes, he somehow has to make himself useful enough to not get killed."
The MC is a mob? You should say it more clearly if so.
"And also free the only sane person around, a seemingly immortal witch whose powers are used as a source of energy. Engergy that is used to summon heroes the kingdom then enslaves to fight in their war against the Demon King.
Now marked as a slave andchained to a forge there seems to be only one way to get out of this mess: Somehow contact the Demons and join them.
"
You summarized the first arc. That's good.
Overall, a 2/5 synopsis for me.
Imo it's all over the place. But that could be my lacking English skills. There are also two grammar/spelling mistakes.
No idea how to make it better though, I'm just giving my subjective opinion.
"Engergy" -> Energy
"andchained" -> and chained
"And also free" -> And also, free
"Now marked as a slave and chained to a forge there" -> Now marked as a slave and chained to a forge, there
"Have you ever wondered what would happen if the deity that summoned you was chaotic evil (or maybe just chaotic chaotic), the country that summoned you ruled by a bunch of brainfarts and the "actual hero" a walking cliché?"
Maybe it's because of the parenthesis, but the sentence is too long for my 3 brain cells. But having a question is good I think. Maybe.
"William Haynes didn't. And now he has other problems."
So, did I read that long-ass sentence for no reason?
"Summoned as nothing more than Experience points for the actual heroes, he somehow has to make himself useful enough to not get killed."
The MC is a mob? You should say it more clearly if so.
"And also free the only sane person around, a seemingly immortal witch whose powers are used as a source of energy. Engergy that is used to summon heroes the kingdom then enslaves to fight in their war against the Demon King.
Now marked as a slave andchained to a forge there seems to be only one way to get out of this mess: Somehow contact the Demons and join them.
"
You summarized the first arc. That's good.
Overall, a 2/5 synopsis for me.
Imo it's all over the place. But that could be my lacking English skills. There are also two grammar/spelling mistakes.
No diea how to make it better though, I'm just giving my subjective opinion.
"Engergy" -> Energy
"andchained" -> and chained
"And also free" -> And also, free
"Now marked as a slave and chained to a forge there" -> Now marked as a slave and chained to a forge, there
