I nicely ask for a feedback

[GrotesqueHeaven]

I would be grateful if anyone would read my novel and give any feedback. I asked for it not so long ago, but got almost no story feedback itself (And wrote over 4k words since then). I would be happy to get any feedback at all, but i want other's thoughts about the story.

Thanks!

Link:

In Search Of Freedom

The typical isekai story... but the MC is not the one isekai'd, wait what? So, the fantasy mediaval world with isekai heroes summoned into this world, but this time main character is not the chosen one. Main character, Cedric, is a prince instead! But do you think he is the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Daydreamers]

i'll give it a chance.
I read the first chapter. And what can I say, wow
um I liked the story kinda, the grammar was a bit too much so it was hard to tell what was going on.
I'll make it short on the grammar section with this: when referring to someone in a phrase like Cedric for example, you should use "he." When you suddenly say, "and the man" or "and the knight in armor, " it's as if you are talking about someone else.

As for the story, I'll ask questions after all it's your universe things that I'd find illogical don't mean are wrong
: Is Cedric trying to use Goku's gravity thing as part of the training? Is this why he turns himself old?
Next are the scenes for exp this: ("On the wooden stand, his knight armor is placed. Cedric steps closer, but instead of taking the armor on, he bends and takes his halberd from under the bed. He places it leaning onto the wall and finally wears the armor. Taking his weapon with him, he stepped out of the room.")why did you include, instead of taking the armor? for him to wear it afterward? It was unnecessary
also you mentioned his physical stats went higher but you forgot to update them they are the same.
the stakes? why is the prince sparring with a guard seriously, shouldn't the guard be terrified of injuring a royalty?
Pace is a problem some scenes were slow like the training while the ending has potential but it was rushed there was no build-up. like with the sister, we didn't even know who she was till boom she is gone now be sad. for a more emotional impact you should introduce her for exp as a nosy little sister who kept annoying Cedric or something..
in short, your story is good, i enjoyed the first chapter regardless, though the ending took me by complete surprise i thought some waifu would get summoned or something.
so don't lose heart

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

i'll give it a chance.
I read the first chapter. And what can I say, wow
um I liked the story kinda, the grammar was a bit too much so it was hard to tell what was going on.
I'll make it short on the grammar section with this: when referring to someone in a phrase like Cedric for example, you should use "he." When you suddenly say, "and the man" or "and the knight in armor, " it's as if you are talking about someone else.

As for the story, I'll ask questions after all it's your universe things that I'd find illogical don't mean are wrong
: Is Cedric trying to use Goku's gravity thing as part of the training? Is this why he turns himself old?
Next are the scenes for exp this: ("On the wooden stand, his knight armor is placed. Cedric steps closer, but instead of taking the armor on, he bends and takes his halberd from under the bed. He places it leaning onto the wall and finally wears the armor. Taking his weapon with him, he stepped out of the room.")why did you include, instead of taking the armor? for him to wear it afterward? It was unnecessary
also you mentioned his physical stats went higher but you forgot to update them they are the same.
the stakes? why is the prince sparring with a guard seriously, shouldn't the guard be terrified of injuring a royalty?
Pace is a problem some scenes were slow like the training while the ending has potential but it was rushed there was no build-up. like with the sister, we didn't even know who she was till boom she is gone now be sad. for a more emotional impact you should introduce her for exp as a nosy little sister who kept annoying Cedric or something..
in short, your story is good, i enjoyed the first chapter regardless, though the ending took me by complete surprise i thought some waifu would get summoned or something.
so don't lose heart

Thanks for the feedback!

The grammar part - I did that to avoid referring to the characters just 'Cedric' and 'he'. But I get what you mean and there is less of it in later chapters.

The story part - I haven't even watched dragon ball, but anyways. MC just made his face look old using the spell. It has nothing to do with physical training. He didn't made him old and there is clearly stated that the mask spell broke before he went to thre training. And it's called 'mask' for a reason. :)

Cedric's head moves to the sides, his eyes not leaving the mirror. After a second, the new face breaks down into the same gray smoke and disappears in the air.

I agree with the rest of the questions, my bad.

 

[Daydreamers]

Thanks for the feedback!

The grammar part - I did that to avoid referring to the characters just 'Cedric' and 'he'. But I get what you mean and there is less of it in later chapters.

The story part - I haven't even watched dragon ball, but anyways. MC just made his face look old using the spell. It has nothing to do with physical training. He didn't made him old and there is clearly stated that the mask spell broke before he went to thre training. And it's called 'mask' for a reason. :)


I agree with the rest of the questions, my bad.

Thanks for clarifying , i knew the mask was broken but there was a phrase that said if i remember correctly : he wants to see how fast he can move with it. That's Why I thought he wanted to improve his speed by limiting himself.
Anyway as i said i like your story so I'll continue to read it.
Not as a judge, so be free create whatever your mind desires.

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

Thanks for clarifying , i knew the mask was broken but there was a phrase that said if i remember correctly : he wants to see how fast he can move with it. That's Why I thought he wanted to improve his speed by limiting himself.
Anyway as i said i like your story so I'll continue to read it.
Not as a judge, so be free create whatever your mind desires.

I hope you will like the rest of it. :D And share your thoughts about it too.

 

[MarekSusicky]

I would be grateful if anyone would read my novel and give any feedback. I asked for it not so long ago, but got almost no story feedback itself (And wrote over 4k words since then). I would be happy to get any feedback at all, but i want other's thoughts about the story.

Thanks!

Link:

In Search Of Freedom

The typical isekai story... but the MC is not the one isekai'd, wait what? So, the fantasy mediaval world with isekai heroes summoned into this world, but this time main character is not the chosen one. Main character, Cedric, is a prince instead! But do you think he is the...

www.scribblehub.com

Adjusts reading glasses while taking a long drag from a cigar, letting the smoke curl around the dim desk lamp in the scribble hub feedback office

Listen here, kid. Taps ash into a weathered brass tray

I've seen thousands of manuscripts come through that door.
Isekai stories?
Had 'em stacked to the ceiling last year.
This... picks up the manuscript, thumbing through pages ...this has got something.

Flippin' the perspective & making your MC a local prince watching these "chosen ones" parade around his kingdom? That's fresh meat in a market full of yesterday's stew. And your prince, Cedric... leans back in creaking leather chair ...he's got what we call "relatable motivation." Who hasn't wanted to chuck responsibility and hit the high seas?

Takes another contemplative puff

But let me shoot straight with you, kid. Your disclaimer about English not being your first language?
Drop it.
Let your readers find the typos - they will, trust me, readers always do. Just fix 'em quietly when they point 'em out. Drawing attention to it up front? That's like apologizing for your soup before serving it.
Bad form.

Stubs out cigar and leans forward, jabbing finger at manuscript

You've got potential here. A protagonist who wants something simple and universal. Just... picks up red pen ...let's start on that synopsis. "The typical isekai story" isn't how you want to open.
I'm already bored.
Lead with your strength - "Prince Cedric has watched countless chosen ones from this so-called Earth appear and live the adventurer's life he craves..."
Make me care, make me want to read it.

Lights new cigar, Adjusts reading glasses, the smoke drifting lazily upward as I scan through the pages... Alright, kid, come closer. ...Taps ash thoughtfully

First off, that openin' scene? Brothers arguing about succession? Points at the page with cigar It's telling me what's happenin' instead of showin'.
I don't care about 'em.
Give me some dialogue, let me hear their personalities clash. Make me feel the tension in that room.

The training sequence? That's your golden shot right there.
But you're pulling your punches.
When he's strugglin' with that dummy, make me feel every burning muscle, every stupid breath.
Show me what drives 'im to keep pushin' when his body's screaming to stop.
And it must screem.

Leans back, chair creaking

Now, that nightmare ending? Nods That's how you hook 'em. But the build-up needs workin'.
Transition from peaceful stats-checking to bloody massacre is fast - and not in the good way.
Layer in some tension earlier.
Maybe have 'im feeling uneasy throughout the day, little hints that somethin' is wrong.

Stubs out cigar, picks up red pen

Your English needs some polishin', but nothing we can't fix. Watch your tenses - you're bouncing between past and present. Don't do that, pick one and stuck with it. Like here

Red pen circling the page, making it more red than white

Essel laughed slightly, not tearing his gaze from the soldiers' training. Cedric turns towards the people guarding the castle too.

Do you see it? And those dialogue tags need proper formatting.

Next, split paragraphs. Make it more dynamic, tis' is wall of text. If you know what you're doin', great. I don't like it. If not, read some guides.

Looks up over reading glasses

Don't despair kid. You've got a unique angle on the isekai genre, nice protagonist, and solid pacing. With some editing, this could be something special. So, kid... slides manuscript back across desk ...you gonna let me help you polish this gem, or what?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

*Lits new cigar, Adjusts reading glasses, the smoke drifting lazily upward as I scan through the pages... Alright, kid, come closer. ...Taps ash thoughtfully

*Lights

Do you see it? And those dialogue tags need proper formatting.

Note that "proper formatting" usually means "consistent" formatting - English standard is to frame it in "double quotes (aka 'quotation marks')", but you can also use 'single quotes' (aka 'apostrophes') as long as you use the same thing regularly.