I NEED FEEDBACK!!!!

[Satan03]

So hey! I just uploaded a story on SH and I know it'll take some time for readers to start commenting or even interact with my novel, so I was hoping y'all can help me out with the feedback, open to any kind of criticism as long as you don't outright cuss at me.


This is the summary:

The Hex—or Trials of Hex—is a phenomenon that appeared out of thin air, parallel to a series of cataclysms that shook the world nearly half a century ago: earthquakes, tsunamis, and tectonic shifts of such violent magnitude that they reshaped the very face of the planet. Most continents merged into one; others sank entirely beneath the ocean.

The loss of life was staggering—about ninety percent of humanity was wiped out in an instant.

Yet The Hex also brought benefits that reshaped this new world to its core.

***

Arthur Dahl, a teenager who walked the fine line between pessimism and misanthropy, never expected anything from his pathetic life in the slums.

Until one day, he collapsed from heart failure at the age of seventeen. This could mean only one of two things—either he had sniffed something he shouldn’t have, or the Hex had chosen him.

The latter was true…

Link: [https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1808208/lord-of-nine-realms/]

 

[Humanistheart]

Hmm, some good stuff in there, I'm sure there will be some who will enjoy it, but not my kind of story really.

 

[Rookieqw]

Hello! Before I begin, keep in mind that I'm the worst writer around these parts, so take any of my advice with caution. With that out of the way:

We have no reason to care for the MC. Think about LOTR and its merry celebration at the beginning. Or Super Minion, and how the MC escapes containment. In the first example we are introduced to the MC gradually, with large exposition. In the second, it is through immediate action. There are tons of other examples, but I won't list them.

In your tale we have a dying MC, who gets another body. Who was he before? No idea. Why should I care about his body switch? Also unknown. I came to understand the guards who took him more than Arthur, and then you hit us with an exposition, which has no direct involvement with the MC's current situation:

The Hex—or Trials of Hex—is a phenomenon that appeared out of thin air, parallel to a series of cataclysms that shook the world nearly half a century ago: earthquakes, tsunamis, and tectonic shifts of such violent magnitude that they reshaped the very face of the planet. Most continents merged into one; others sank entirely beneath the ocean.



The loss of life was staggering—about ninety percent of humanity was wiped out in an instant.



The planet had already been teetering on the edge of collapse due to overpopulation, global warming, and relentless wars over dwindling resources. The final blow came not as a surprise. Terraforming other planets had failed, and humanity had quietly resigned itself to extinction.



Humanity was doomed to perish.



But… amidst the chaos, the first victim of the Hex was found—a teenage boy, declared dead by doctors, walked out of his own grave and stood before the world.



The only way to know if you're infected by the Hex is through the signs: a failing heart, violent seizures, and a gradual weakening of the body until death claims you—at least, according to medical science. But those who have returned from death call it something else.



They call it being put to trial by the Hex.



Those who emerge victorious from their first trial are known as Challengers. Before that, they are merely the Chosen Ones—candidates for survival, picked by something far beyond human understanding.



Arthur is one of those chosen.



And the altar he now lies upon will kill him—if he is corrupted.

It is even written in a different tense, further distancing itself from the main story. I understand what you are going for, but I'm an anomaly, and because of my tastes, I struggle to craft a story. You can do better, since you've made me curious about the side characters.

Next:

A minute or so passed with nothing happening. Arthur recalled what the older-looking officer had said—call upon the Hex.



'How do I do that?'

I assume you meant that the MC thinks this, not speaks it. Then, might I suggest using this to clarify:

'How do I do that?'

Wave hit Arthur right in the chest and he was slammed to the wall and thrown off his chair, the ship kept shivering violently - collecting himself Arthur ran towards the door and shut it immediately before another wave came inside.



'I always hated these!'

That implies previous experience, but we don't know that much about Arthur to truly care about his peril.

First and second chapters didn't give me much to care about the MC, sorry. Either start earlier in the story, show his everyday life (a very risky move; don't do it), or pair him with a character from the get-go and let them, through dialogue and actions, demonstrate their personalities while learning about the world (like you did with the guards). You've already mastered the basics about readable grammar, pacing, and chapters' lengths; all you need is the fundamentals of the story and a hook to make a reader care or feel anything.