I need feedback on whether my story is bad or really bad.

[5iy]

Amateur writer here, just released my first 'original' story (probably not original) on sh.

And I'm stoked about it, just want feedback and tips so I can improve

Here you go!!

 

[Maromar]

Unless this is comedy, I feel like you can do a little more with this synopsis.

In a world where humans with supernatural abilities are the norm.

Follow Ray as he embarks on a journey beyond time.

As he finds out more about his mysterious past.

And maybe save humanity from it's impending doom along the way...

It reads like a sarcastic Epic Trailer guy thingy and says very little about the actual story in a way that would tantalize a reader. The story itself seems to have the same problem, the sentences are all very samey and there's not a lot of detail afforded to your clauses.

Year 20XX, Paramount Hospital



"Waaaaah! Waaaaah!"



A baby was crying it's lungs out.



"It's gonna be alright little one."



Said the man carrying the baby.



"We'll be running a few tests on him if you don't mind"



The man said to another man sitting on the sidelines.



The man was sitting with his head stooped down.

Open a traditional novel and observe the difference between the sentences here and the full-length paragraphs you'll find within. There simply isn't enough here to constitute a story. Slow down, expand your points and paint out your scenes in full. You actually have a pretty firm grasp of grammar, and I can tell that you know where you want to go with the story, you just need to write so that the image in your head is closer to what comes out on the page.

Don't stop writing. Don't ever stop.

 

[Deleted member 77095]

I read the first paragraph. There is nothing wrong with the plot elements or the premise. I found that the biggest problem was one of grammar, spelling, punctuation and paragraph structure.

I strongly recommend that you practice some simple paragraphs trying to get then correct structure for them. A couple of resources that you can use online:

https://mattgemmell.com/fiction-style-guide/

Writing Styles: 10 Tips to Master Ways of Writing | NowNovel

Writing styles differ widely between authors, and are part of what makes us love some writers more than others. Learn how to improve your own style.

www.nownovel.com

If you can afford it, you can buy a style guide such as the Chicago Manual of Style or the Oxford Style manual. If you cannot afford them, maybe there is a local library that has them available. You don't need to learn the entire thick book, but the parts related to description and dialogue. The websites above will help a little.

First you need to master the tools of writing: grammar, punctuation, lexicon and diction.
Once you have those tools in your mind, you will find that your imagination will take over and writing with proper form becomes almost automatic.
Best of luck.

 

[Lloyd]

Kinda a bad start imo. Like never start a story with exposition.

 

[ConansWitchBaby]

It feels disjointed. More like a play script than a novel. As others have said, compress the information into chapters.