python7648
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I just started a web novel I need feedback like things I could change and things I have to do better on?
i just started writing a webnovel any feedback will help
- Thread starter python7648
- Start date
Agentt
Thighs
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Ah, if some drafts our available, posting them would be appreciated here.
Plus, what is your genre? Description? Characters?
KoyukiMegumi
Kitty
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Link please 
BenJepheneT
Syro - Aphex Twin
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You ask for help but you won't extend a hand for us to grab, how you think we Gon do that?
LostLibrarian
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Some thoughts:
- In your blurb, there is one core idea mentioned, but nothing about the story itself. It's like a three sentence description of the setting without any mention of the story.
- There are a lot of grammar mistakes even in your first sentence. While it isn't a "no-go", it sure is stopping my reading flow, because some decisions are really awkward. There is also a lot of issues with your tenses, pulls me out. It wouldn't destroy my will to read, but it also doesn't help.
- Personal taste: I dislike both "*applause*" and overly long paragraphs because it takes me out of the reading. Again, it doesn't break anything itself, but still.
- The end of chapter 1 both shows what the story could be and would probably make me drop it. The idea of "who is the monster" and "he has to find out who is hunting him" are clear. But the monster itself is just awfully stupid. He leaves a message in blood on the wall. Why? Why wouldn't he keep quiet and shoot him when the MC doesn't expect it? Why doesn't he stand in front of the clueless MC opening his eyes and kills him. Instead, he leaves a nice warning?
- Chapter 2: The descriptions are a bit jumpy, but the overall quality is better. But it still suffers from chapter 1. Also his reasoning from seeing 5 minutes of panic to "I'll save the future" is really fast. Especially now that the time machine is destroyed. Also you said if something goes to the future, something goes to the past. But if he goes back to the past, will the monster go back to the future? It isn't necessarily breaking the story or a plot hole, but there isn't enough to go by.
In short:
- make sure, to throw your story into grammarly or even just word/etc. Fixing the most obvious grammar goes a long way.
- Don't make the monster look stupid. Even if there are explanations in your head and everything is logical, there is a difference between a mistery and making someone look stupid. To me as a reader, the monster is stupid and should be dead already. There are other ways to introduce the mistery. The MC finds a survivor in chapter 2. That's an easy enough way to give the same information without being stupid.
- Take your time. Especially with mistery/horror it is about the build up. You have 1 chapter after which our hero knows he is targeted and after 2 chapters he is ready to save the world. But the readers aren't. We know nothing about the MC, the technology (so there is no "maybe he could..."), and we just don't care about him.
So take your time to build up both characters and technology and don't rush into the action.
Right now, your story feels like a mistery thrown onto paper without any planning. Which is a death sentence for any good mistery. If your story is more adventure/actiony (looking at the tags), then don't start with a weak mistery.
The core idea can work easily. e.g. make the threat of the monster disappear, it's only the lab destroyed, he thinks it was an accident, he gets his new life, we learn about him and his decisions, and afterwards things slowly get destroyed around him and he realizes he is targeted. Or you drop the mistery part and make it more of a survival adventure, etc.
But right now, your blurb and your overall presentation scream "mistery" and your execution says "please drop, no care was given".
- In your blurb, there is one core idea mentioned, but nothing about the story itself. It's like a three sentence description of the setting without any mention of the story.
- There are a lot of grammar mistakes even in your first sentence. While it isn't a "no-go", it sure is stopping my reading flow, because some decisions are really awkward. There is also a lot of issues with your tenses, pulls me out. It wouldn't destroy my will to read, but it also doesn't help.
- Personal taste: I dislike both "*applause*" and overly long paragraphs because it takes me out of the reading. Again, it doesn't break anything itself, but still.
- The end of chapter 1 both shows what the story could be and would probably make me drop it. The idea of "who is the monster" and "he has to find out who is hunting him" are clear. But the monster itself is just awfully stupid. He leaves a message in blood on the wall. Why? Why wouldn't he keep quiet and shoot him when the MC doesn't expect it? Why doesn't he stand in front of the clueless MC opening his eyes and kills him. Instead, he leaves a nice warning?
- Chapter 2: The descriptions are a bit jumpy, but the overall quality is better. But it still suffers from chapter 1. Also his reasoning from seeing 5 minutes of panic to "I'll save the future" is really fast. Especially now that the time machine is destroyed. Also you said if something goes to the future, something goes to the past. But if he goes back to the past, will the monster go back to the future? It isn't necessarily breaking the story or a plot hole, but there isn't enough to go by.
In short:
- make sure, to throw your story into grammarly or even just word/etc. Fixing the most obvious grammar goes a long way.
- Don't make the monster look stupid. Even if there are explanations in your head and everything is logical, there is a difference between a mistery and making someone look stupid. To me as a reader, the monster is stupid and should be dead already. There are other ways to introduce the mistery. The MC finds a survivor in chapter 2. That's an easy enough way to give the same information without being stupid.
- Take your time. Especially with mistery/horror it is about the build up. You have 1 chapter after which our hero knows he is targeted and after 2 chapters he is ready to save the world. But the readers aren't. We know nothing about the MC, the technology (so there is no "maybe he could..."), and we just don't care about him.
So take your time to build up both characters and technology and don't rush into the action.
Right now, your story feels like a mistery thrown onto paper without any planning. Which is a death sentence for any good mistery. If your story is more adventure/actiony (looking at the tags), then don't start with a weak mistery.
The core idea can work easily. e.g. make the threat of the monster disappear, it's only the lab destroyed, he thinks it was an accident, he gets his new life, we learn about him and his decisions, and afterwards things slowly get destroyed around him and he realizes he is targeted. Or you drop the mistery part and make it more of a survival adventure, etc.
But right now, your blurb and your overall presentation scream "mistery" and your execution says "please drop, no care was given".