I got a new story

[tigerqueen334]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2200656/thunders-heir-the-reluctant-demigod/ I was wondering if anybody can actually give me feedback on my story? I'm a newcomer here and I hope you enjoy my stories I give you, I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback

 

[K_Nishi]

This is a very solid start.
The pacing is good, the imagery is clear, and the voice feels natural. You have a strong sense of scene and tension, which is not easy for a beginner. With some polishing, this could really shine.

I have a few suggestions that might help strengthen the opening even more:

1. Consider starting with Mrs. Grimm’s line of dialogue.
Opening the story with something like “Benjamin. A word, please.” could immediately hook the reader. You can then transition into the protagonist’s inner narration about how ordinary the day seemed. This would make the inciting moment feel sharper and more immediate.

2. The pen-to-sword transformation could be more instinctive.
In a life-or-death moment, uncapping a pen might feel a little too deliberate. You might heighten the tension by having the pen transform on its own at the exact moment of danger—almost as if it’s protecting the protagonist before he fully understands what’s happening. This could reinforce the sense of destiny and surprise.

3. Finn’s presence might be simplified in the prologue.
If Finn isn’t crucial to this specific scene, you could consider either removing him from the prologue or reducing how much information we get about him here. The Fury encounter and the first awakening are already very strong moments, and too many revelations at once might dilute their impact. Finn could be introduced more clearly in the next chapter.

Overall, the concept is strong and the execution shows real promise. With tighter focus and slightly sharper beats, this prologue could become a very compelling hook. I’d definitely be interested in seeing how the story develops.

 

[tigerqueen334]

do you think I got a chance for this story to get noticed in due time? what do you think of Ben so far? I hope you like him and I got a lot to work on with this story, if I get over 100 reads and 50 votes, I might turn this into a series what do you think? I got a few questions for you about my book do you think this book will shine? what do you think of Ben? do you think this should be a series? how chapters I should do realistically and how many words? I'm so glad you like it! I hope you can get to mention it to other people if you like and thank you for your time this has to be the honest review I gotten from my book I did and in short time too only five hours in

 

[K_Nishi]

do you think I got a chance for this story to get noticed in due time? what do you think of Ben so far? I hope you like him and I got a lot to work on with this story, if I get over 100 reads and 50 votes, I might turn this into a series what do you think? I got a few questions for you about my book do you think this book will shine? what do you think of Ben? do you think this should be a series? how chapters I should do realistically and how many words? I'm so glad you like it! I hope you can get to mention it to other people if you like and thank you for your time this has to be the honest review I gotten from my book I did and in short time too only five hours in

Hey, I’m really glad my feedback helped — and congrats on writing all of this in such a short time. Five hours for a first draft is honestly impressive.

To answer your questions honestly:

Do I think this story can get noticed?
Yes, it has a chance — especially if you keep improving the opening and stay consistent with updates. Early visibility is always unpredictable, but the concept itself is solid enough to grow.

What do I think of Ben so far?
Ben works well as a protagonist. He’s relatable, not overly edgy, and his reactions feel human. Right now he’s more of a “reader surrogate,” which is perfectly fine for the opening. As the story continues, giving him clearer personal fears, wants, or flaws will make him really shine.

Should this be a series?
I think it can be a series, but I’d recommend treating the early chapters like a strong self-contained arc first. Focus on telling one satisfying storyline before worrying too much about long-term length.

Chapters and word count (realistically):
For web fiction, something like:

• 1,500–3,000 words per chapter
• 20–40 chapters for a first arc
  is a very reasonable and manageable goal. Don’t pressure yourself to plan everything now.

Most importantly: don’t chase numbers too early. Reads and votes come with time, consistency, and improvement. You’re already doing the hardest part — actually writing and asking for feedback.

Keep going. I’m genuinely curious to see where you take this.

 

[tigerqueen334]

w

Hey, I’m really glad my feedback helped — and congrats on writing all of this in such a short time. Five hours for a first draft is honestly impressive.

To answer your questions honestly:

Do I think this story can get noticed?
Yes, it has a chance — especially if you keep improving the opening and stay consistent with updates. Early visibility is always unpredictable, but the concept itself is solid enough to grow.

What do I think of Ben so far?
Ben works well as a protagonist. He’s relatable, not overly edgy, and his reactions feel human. Right now he’s more of a “reader surrogate,” which is perfectly fine for the opening. As the story continues, giving him clearer personal fears, wants, or flaws will make him really shine.

Should this be a series?
I think it can be a series, but I’d recommend treating the early chapters like a strong self-contained arc first. Focus on telling one satisfying storyline before worrying too much about long-term length.

Chapters and word count (realistically):
For web fiction, something like:

• 1,500–3,000 words per chapter
• 20–40 chapters for a first arc
  is a very reasonable and manageable goal. Don’t pressure yourself to plan everything now.

Most importantly: don’t chase numbers too early. Reads and votes come with time, consistency, and improvement. You’re already doing the hardest part — actually writing and asking for feedback.

Keep going. I’m genuinely curious to see where you take this.

what do you think the first chapter after the prologue should be realistically for Ben? I need all of the feedback and advise I can get? what chapters you think Ben should realize his best friend Finn reveals who he is or when he goes to camp half-blood?

 

[K_Nishi]

w

what do you think the first chapter after the prologue should be realistically for Ben? I need all of the feedback and advise I can get? what chapters you think Ben should realize his best friend Finn reveals who he is or when he goes to camp half-blood?

Honestly, this is something you’ll only truly understand once you try writing it.

You can plan as much as you want, but until you actually draft the first chapter, you won’t know what feels right for Ben or where the story naturally wants to go.

My advice would be:

• Make a simple outline (just bullet points).
• Write the first chapter without overthinking it.
• Then reread it and see how it feels.

Regarding Finn’s reveal — there isn’t one “correct” timing.
If you reveal it early, the story becomes about adjustment and training.
If you delay it, the story becomes about mystery and tension.

Both can work. It depends on what kind of tone you want.

Also, try not to fall into perfectionism. Your first draft doesn’t need to be perfect. Writing imperfect chapters consistently will improve you much faster than trying to design the perfect story in your head.

You’re already doing the most important thing — you’re writing. Keep going.

 

[tigerqueen334]

Honestly, this is something you’ll only truly understand once you try writing it.

You can plan as much as you want, but until you actually draft the first chapter, you won’t know what feels right for Ben or where the story naturally wants to go.

My advice would be:

• Make a simple outline (just bullet points).
• Write the first chapter without overthinking it.
• Then reread it and see how it feels.

Regarding Finn’s reveal — there isn’t one “correct” timing.
If you reveal it early, the story becomes about adjustment and training.
If you delay it, the story becomes about mystery and tension.

Both can work. It depends on what kind of tone you want.

Also, try not to fall into perfectionism. Your first draft doesn’t need to be perfect. Writing imperfect chapters consistently will improve you much faster than trying to design the perfect story in your head.

You’re already doing the most important thing — you’re writing. Keep going.

thank you so much for your feedback on my stories I thought of, edit, and try to write as much as I can. I got plenty of stories to work on also do you know any good people who knows how to make a book cover for free?

 

[Eldoria]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2200656/thunders-heir-the-reluctant-demigod/ I was wondering if anybody can actually give me feedback on my story? I'm a newcomer here and I hope you enjoy my stories I give you, I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback

Your fight scenes are pretty solid. I add a few notes regarding pacing to increase the tension of the story.

The pacing slows down when your narrative describes the monster, and the MC's feelings and thoughts during the fight. You might consider writing the following action narrative:

(1) Narrate the scene in short paragraphs (~3-4 short sentences).

(2) Separate the fight scene into blocks: action, reaction, dialogue, and effect.

(3) Narrate the description following the action. Action as the trigger, description as the consequence/reaction/effect.

(4) Reduce meta-commentary (the narrator's "I am" comments explaining what is happening).

Imagine the MC is in the actual battle scene. When it's a life-and-death situation, your mind is almost certainly in disarray, and you can't possibly describe the situation objectively.

Therefore, narrate more subjectively based on what the MC experiences.

Good luck!

 

[Playerkartik]

I liked the story.
The pacing is good
Is it Ai-Assisted?

 

[tigerqueen334]

I liked the story.
The pacing is good
Is it Ai-Assisted?

yes it is AI-Assisted but I do most of the work here I use it if I can't think of something or have a writer's block and I edit or change the mistake

 

[TinaMigarlo]

yes it is AI-Assisted but I do most of the work here