How is this for a blurb/synopsis?

[MFontana]

I've finally gotten around to drafting up the (actual) blurb/synopsis for Aestelle Nocte, but would like a bit of feedback on it before I actually update the series with it.
Does it deliver the hook well?
How well does it set the stage?
How well did I nail the five main questions: (Who, What, Where, When, Why)?
Anything that stands out as having been done well?
Anything that might need some further improvement?
And most importantly: Would You Read This Story?

Spoiler: Aestelle Nocte New Blurb/Synopsis

A group of small-town college students, a by-the-book FBI agent with a good heart, and a mysterious woman from beyond the stars. They all have one thing in common. On May 16th, 2024 their lives changed forever.

First Contact. That's what it was called in the movies. That is what happened to them.

Late in the evening, in the small town of Hamilton, NY, a scorching unidentified object entered the earth's atmosphere, roared thunderously as it ripped through the skies overhead in a ball of flames, before slamming into the mountainous wilderness beyond the outskirts of the town.

Tobias Anderson, an infamous neophyte known in the Dark-Web as the Gh0sT, was enjoying a casual evening with his friends at his home, when a piece of the object broke off and landed in his backyard, carrying with it a mysterious woman, and no end of complications to his otherwise 'normal' double-life.

Now, he must face down governmental agents, and all other manner of intrusions into his quiet life while trying to keep this woman's secret. For the sake of his own peace, and that of the Earth at large.

All while Governmental forces mobilize to silence, or control, the situation, and other threats from beyond the stars may be on her tail...

EDIT: Updated to the current draft version @~1:40am EST, Feb. 27th -- Additional revisions are still planned.

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

I've finally gotten around to drafting up the (actual) blurb/synopsis for Aestelle Nocte, but would like a bit of feedback on it before I actually update the series with it.
Does it deliver the hook well?
How well does it set the stage?
How well did I nail the five main questions: (Who, What, Where, When, Why)?
Anything that stands out as having been done well?
Anything that might need some further improvement?
And most importantly: Would You Read This Story?

Spoiler: Aestelle Nocte New Blurb/Synopsis

A group of small-town college students, a by-the-book FBI agent with a good heart, and a mysterious woman. They all have one thing in common. On May 16th, 2024 -Earth Reckoning Calendar- their lives changed, and would never be the same again.

First Contact.

Late in the evening, in the small town of Hamilton, NY, a scorching unidentified object entered the earth's atmosphere and roared overhead before crashing on the outskirts of the town, up in the mountains.

Tobias Anderson, an infamous neophyte known in the Dark-Web as the Gh0sT, was enjoying a casual evening with his friends, at his home on the outskirts of said town when a piece of the object landed in his backyard, carrying with it a mysterious woman, and no end of complications to his otherwise 'normal' double-life.

Now, he faces down governmental agents, and all manner of intrusions into his 'quiet' life while trying to keep this woman's secret. For the sake of his own peace, and that of the Earth at large. All while earthly forces mobilize to silence and control the situation, and other threats from beyond the stars may be on her tail...

EDIT: (I can see a few grammatical tweaks that I still have to make before final revisions as well. In particular with the section about Tobias and the overuse of the comma there, so if this message is still here when you're reading the sample, you can assume that I am already making those adjustments, and will update this post again once I've finished).

Does it deliver the hook well?

It is okay. I feel I have already seen similar setups before, but something is missing for the 'hook' in this case that I can't quite put my finger on. 6.5/10

How well does it set the stage?

Beautifully, 10/10

How well did I nail the five main questions: (Who, What, Where, When, Why)?

Good, though maybe it is that last paragraph that is throwing it off for me. Your Why. 8/10

Anything that stands out as having been done well?

I know what is going on and what it is about. I am not sure what that Earth Reckoning Calendar is about. Is that the day we move from the Gregorian Calendar to this new one when aliens arrive? 8/10

Anything that might need some further improvement?

Nothing that has not already been mentioned.

And most importantly: Would You Read This Story?

Unsure, I might pick it up depending on tags, but I am not sure if I would continue very far into it unless there was something to hook me early on. Espionage and intrigue are not really my thing, and this seems like it would be full of that. I would need more to keep my attention.

 

[Fairemont]

It seems to outline the content and give a good impression of what is to come in the story, which is good. That way, readers know what they're getting into or if they're likely to enjoy the story.

My only hesitation is the really blunt/harsh transitions between sentences. Feels like someone repeatedly pumping the brakes.

It will probably perform fine.

 

[Eldoria]

Honestly... I enjoyed it more and was more likely to imagine the direction of the story if the synopsis started from 3rd paragraph .

1st and 2nd Paragraph felt more like info dumps that casual readers tend to ignore.

 

[MFontana]

Does it deliver the hook well?

It is okay. I feel I have already seen similar setups before, but something is missing for the 'hook' in this case that I can't quite put my finger on. 6.5/10

How well does it set the stage?

Beautifully, 10/10

How well did I nail the five main questions: (Who, What, Where, When, Why)?

Good, though maybe it is that last paragraph that is throwing it off for me. Your Why. 8/10

Anything that stands out as having been done well?

I know what is going on and what it is about. I am not sure what that Earth Reckoning Calendar is about. Is that the day we move from the Gregorian Calendar to this new one when aliens arrive? 8/10

Anything that might need some further improvement?

Nothing that has not already been mentioned.

And most importantly: Would You Read This Story?

Unsure, I might pick it up depending on tags, but I am not sure if I would continue very far into it unless there was something to hook me early on. Espionage and intrigue are not really my thing, and this seems like it would be full of that. I would need more to keep my attention.

The calendar thing is a way of saying what the date of the first contact is by the calendar we use here on earth, rather than the interstellar one used by the majority of the FTL-capable civilizations in the story, and clarifying that not all of the characters know, or interact with, the earth calendar. I could probably cut that bit though.

The genre is harem rom-com with sci-fi influences and themes [partially inspired by existing works in the genre, like the Tenchi Muyo series], though I'm taking a more realistic approach to the genre, and the stakes, so there is political tension, and might also be layers of espionage later as well, so I opted to hint at them with the blurb. [Think inter-agency conflict, FBI/MIB type stuff, or higher governmental agencies trying to step in and "silence" or "confiscate" anything connected to the incident].

Thank you, though, for the honest feedback. It does really help. I'll definitely consider reworking the hook a bit more, and add a bit more clarity to the 'why' with the last paragraph (when I've gotten a bit further into writing the series).

It seems to outline the content and give a good impression of what is to come in the story, which is good. That way, readers know what they're getting into or if they're likely to enjoy the story.

My only hesitation is the really blunt/harsh transitions between sentences. Feels like someone repeatedly pumping the brakes.

It will probably perform fine.

Thank you for the feedback as well, it's helpful and would really appreciate it if you would be willing to address the questions that I asked for feedback on with a bit more clarity as well. It would be more pointed in addressing anything that is working well, or struggling to deliver the intent of the story.

Honestly... I enjoyed it more and was more likely to imagine the direction of the story if the synopsis started from 3rd paragraph .

1st and 2nd Paragraph felt more like info dumps that casual readers tend to ignore.

Thanks for the input, El. I appreciate it as always, but as I mentioned just above, I would really appreciate it if you would also address the questions I asked for feedback on with a bit more clarity as well. It will really help me isolate what works, and what doesn't, and why, so I can make the necessary changes to polish it up nicely.

 

[Eldoria]

I've finally gotten around to drafting up the (actual) blurb/synopsis for Aestelle Nocte, but would like a bit of feedback on it before I actually update the series with it.
Does it deliver the hook well?
How well does it set the stage?
How well did I nail the five main questions: (Who, What, Where, When, Why)?
Anything that stands out as having been done well?
Anything that might need some further improvement?
And most importantly: Would You Read This Story?

Spoiler: Aestelle Nocte New Blurb/Synopsis

A group of small-town college students, a by-the-book FBI agent with a good heart, and a mysterious woman from beyond the stars. They all have one thing in common. On May 16th, 2024 -Earth Reckoning Calendar- their lives forever.

First Contact. All of the sci-fi movies on earth couldn't prepare any of them for this, or what would come of it.

Late in the evening, in the small town of Hamilton, NY, a scorching unidentified object entered the earth's atmosphere and roared overhead before crashing on the outskirts of the town, up in the mountains.

Tobias Anderson, an infamous neophyte known in the Dark-Web as the Gh0sT, was enjoying a casual evening with his friends at his home, when a piece of the object landed in his backyard, carrying with it a mysterious woman, and no end of complications to his otherwise 'normal' double-life.

Now, he faces down governmental agents, and all manner of intrusions into his quiet life while trying to keep this woman's secret. For the sake of his own peace, and that of the Earth at large. All while earthly forces mobilize to silence and control the situation, and other threats from beyond the stars may be on her tail...

Does it deliver the hook well?

Well, I'm quite curious about how Tobias will hide the mysterious woman. And yes, the synopsis has a hook.

How well does it set the stage?

If I ignore the 1st and 2nd paragraphs, I can vaguely imagine the direction of the story and the tension.

How well did I nail the five main questions: (Who, What, Where, When, Why)?

It's already pretty clear from the 3rd paragraph.

Anything that stands out as having been done well?

Well, how Tobias relaxes with his friends at night and encounters an incident involving a mysterious group provides a good sense of the tension of the story.

Anything that might need some further improvement?

The identity of the mysterious woman is still too vague; perhaps a little more personality polish is needed so readers can relate to her more.

Furthermore, Tobias's identity might be too technical; readers might need a more intimate and emotional stake to care more about him (e.g., a poor young man supporting his little sister).

Would You Read This Story? Maybe yes with personal stake.

 

[MFontana]

Does it deliver the hook well?

Well, I'm quite curious about how Tobias will hide the mysterious woman. And yes, the synopsis has a hook.

How well does it set the stage?

If I ignore the 1st and 2nd paragraphs, I can vaguely imagine the direction of the story and the tension.

How well did I nail the five main questions: (Who, What, Where, When, Why)?

It's already pretty clear from the 3rd paragraph.

Anything that stands out as having been done well?

Well, how Tobias relaxes with his friends at night and encounters an incident involving a mysterious group provides a good sense of the tension of the story.

Anything that might need some further improvement?

The identity of the mysterious woman is still too vague; perhaps a little more personality polish is needed so readers can relate to her more.

Furthermore, Tobias's identity might be too technical; readers might need a more intimate and emotional stake to care more about him (e.g., a poor young man supporting his little sister).

Would You Read This Story? Maybe yes with personal stake.

Thank you very much, El. That truly helps quite a bit.
I've done some polishing already and came to something that I think will deliver things better, but you're right. I could probably just use the slang term rather than the technical one to cast a wider net.

Not sure where this came from, or what it is about, but I don't recognize it as one of my conlangs, or anything I've said.
"Apakah umpan yang diberikannya akurat?"

 

[FRWriter]

As an apology for my low effort comments, I've really taken my time and analysed this as best as I can. I hope it helps.
Man, I used more time to analyse this than I have ever spent on my own blurbs... maybe I should improve my own... it's time.

A group of small-town college students, a by-the-book FBI agent with a good heart, and a mysterious woman from beyond the stars. They all have one thing in common. On May 16th, 2024 -Earth Reckoning Calendar- their lives forever.

On May 16th, 2024 -Earth Reckoning Calendar- their lives forever.

Isn't this sentence incomplete? I think a verb is missing, like "their lives will change forever." "The date that will permanently alter their lives." Seriously, I feel stupid because nobody is mentioning it, so this probably won't end well for me... as usual, but I don't get it.

First Contact. All of the sci-fi movies on earth couldn't prepare any of them for this, or what would come of it.

You are kinda reducing your story to a cliche, or am I wrong? Selling yourself short by comparing your story to the common stereotypes. Also, sci-fi is pretty crazy, and to me, this sounds like a perfectly "normal" sci-fi story.

Late in the evening, in the small town of Hamilton, NY, a scorching unidentified object entered the earth's atmosphere and roared overhead before crashing on the outskirts of the town, up in the mountains.

Late in the evening sounds clunky. Late at Night or in the evening. A Late evening is just the night, right? Man, sometimes I think I'm stupid... this confuses me.
Earth needs to be spelled big. It's a name. Don't disrespect my planet, brah, it has a name.
Also, aren't the outskirts of the town contradicting with up in the mountains? Or is it a mountain town? Is it up in the mountains or on the outskirts? I mean, if it's the outskirts, IT IS STILL THE TOWN. Just the edge.

Tobias Anderson, an infamous neophyte known in the Dark-Web as the Gh0sT, was enjoying a casual evening with his friends at his home, when a piece of the object landed in his backyard, carrying with it a mysterious woman, and no end of complications to his otherwise 'normal' double-life.

Isn't a Neophyte a newbie by definition? If he's infamous, he shouldn't be a Neophyte any longer.

Now, he faces down governmental agents, and all manner of intrusions into his quiet life while trying to keep this woman's secret. For the sake of his own peace, and that of the Earth at large. All while earthly forces mobilize to silence and control the situation, and other threats from beyond the stars may be on her tail...

earthly forces sound clunky. I mean all forces are earthly, aren't they? I would be more specific. Government forces.


Does it deliver the hook well? 4.5/5
Sounds interesting, personally, I like it.

How well does it set the stage? 3.5/5
Almost a little too well. This feels a bit like a summary instead of a blurb. Maybe be a bit more ambiguous. You want to hook the viewer to get them interested, not already start with your story. You get lost in the details, I think?

How well did I nail the five main questions: (Who, What, Where, When, Why)? 4/5
Pretty good, but I am not clear which story this is? Multiple protagonists, obviously. I also think some protagonists get more attention.
I mean, is the hacker the main character? Or one of the college students, or the FBI agent, maybe the woman? I'm a little confused. I'm a simple man... I'd like things to be... simple. This confuses me a little. I am not too sure who the story belongs to.
The rest is perfectly clear to me, I think.

Anything that stands out as having been done well? 4.5/5
The story sounds interesting. I want to keep reading. So I guess it made me curious, which is good?

Anything that might need some further improvement?
The things that I mentioned above.

And most importantly: Would You Read This Story?
Yes, but probably only after you got like 20-30 chapters (maybe at least 50k words). This sounds like a very slow burner of a story. It would be an absolute nightmare for me to read something like that when there are only a couple of chapters available. If I like it, it would piss me off.

 

[Tabula_Rasa]

Honestly... I enjoyed it more and was more likely to imagine the direction of the story if the synopsis started from 3rd paragraph .

1st and 2nd Paragraph felt more like info dumps that casual readers tend to ignore.

Words right out of my mouth.

 

[MFontana]

As an apology for my low effort comments, I've really taken my time and analysed this as best as I can. I hope it helps.
Man, I used more time to analyse this than I have ever spent on my own blurbs... maybe I should improve my own... it's time.


On May 16th, 2024 -Earth Reckoning Calendar- their lives forever.

Isn't this sentence incomplete? I think a verb is missing, like "their lives will change forever." "The date that will permanently alter their lives." Seriously, I feel stupid because nobody is mentioning it, so this probably won't end well for me... as usual, but I don't get it.


You are kinda reducing your story to a cliche, or am I wrong? Selling yourself short by comparing your story to the common stereotypes. Also, sci-fi is pretty crazy, and to me, this sounds like a perfectly "normal" sci-fi story.


Late in the evening sounds clunky. Late at Night or in the evening. A Late evening is just the night, right? Man, sometimes I think I'm stupid... this confuses me.
Earth needs to be spelled big. It's a name. Don't disrespect my planet, brah, it has a name.
Also, aren't the outskirts of the town contradicting with up in the mountains? Or is it a mountain town? Is it up in the mountains or on the outskirts? I mean, if it's the outskirts, IT IS STILL THE TOWN. Just the edge.


Isn't a Neophyte a newbie by definition? If he's infamous, he shouldn't be a Neophyte any longer.


earthly forces sound clunky. I mean all forces are earthly, aren't they? I would be more specific. Government forces.


Does it deliver the hook well? 4.5/5
Sounds interesting, personally, I like it.

How well does it set the stage? 3.5/5
Almost a little too well. This feels a bit like a summary instead of a blurb. Maybe be a bit more ambiguous. You want to hook the viewer to get them interested, not already start with your story. You get lost in the details, I think?

How well did I nail the five main questions: (Who, What, Where, When, Why)? 4/5
Pretty good, but I am not clear which story this is? Multiple protagonists, obviously. I also think some protagonists get more attention.
I mean, is the hacker the main character? Or one of the college students, or the FBI agent, maybe the woman? I'm a little confused. I'm a simple man... I'd like things to be... simple. This confuses me a little. I am not too sure who the story belongs to.
The rest is perfectly clear to me, I think.

Anything that stands out as having been done well? 4.5/5
The story sounds interesting. I want to keep reading. So I guess it made me curious, which is good?

Anything that might need some further improvement?
The things that I mentioned above.

And most importantly: Would You Read This Story?
Yes, but probably only after you got like 20-30 chapters (maybe at least 50k words). This sounds like a very slow burner of a story. It would be an absolute nightmare for me to read something like that when there are only a couple of chapters available. If I like it, it would piss me off.

I appreciate the effort and detail you put into answering this feedback request, @FRWriter, personally I didn't feel you owed any apology either, but for whatever it may be worth to you, I accept the offered apology, and with the story's current chapter-lengths the 50k mark would be ~10 chapters, not counting the prologue's quick montage beats.

Isn't this sentence incomplete? I think a verb is missing, like "their lives will change forever." "The date that will permanently alter their lives." Seriously, I feel stupid because nobody is mentioning it, so this probably won't end well for me... as usual, but I don't get it.

Yeah, I noticed that too after going over it again and did fix it in the story, but didn't update it here yet. You're absolutely right though. It was definitely an incomplete sentence, and definitely needed to be fixed.

Late in the evening sounds clunky. Late at Night or in the evening. A Late evening is just the night, right? Man, sometimes I think I'm stupid... this confuses me.
Earth needs to be spelled big. It's a name. Don't disrespect my planet, brah, it has a name.
Also, aren't the outskirts of the town contradicting with up in the mountains? Or is it a mountain town? Is it up in the mountains or on the outskirts? I mean, if it's the outskirts, IT IS STILL THE TOWN. Just the edge.

This too. All if it was dead-on, and I did fix it too. Most of it. I really should probably update what's here in the thread as well. That's entirely on me, and I appreciate you pointing all of it out all the same.

Isn't a Neophyte a newbie by definition? If he's infamous, he shouldn't be a Neophyte any longer.

To the best of my current knowledge, Neophyte is simply the formal, technical term, for what is commonly called a "hacker", but I could be mistaken. If it is simply a reference to a newbie hacker, then I certainly do need to fix that as well. I'll double-check everything and make the necessary adjustments, if any are needed.

Pretty good, but I am not clear which story this is? Multiple protagonists, obviously. I also think some protagonists get more attention.
I mean, is the hacker the main character? Or one of the college students, or the FBI agent, maybe the woman? I'm a little confused. I'm a simple man... I'd like things to be... simple. This confuses me a little. I am not too sure who the story belongs to.
The rest is perfectly clear to me, I think.

There is a singular protagonist to this story. Tobias. The others are main members of the supporting cast, all of whom are pulled into Tobias' orbit as a result of the First-Contact. I just figured it was better to not name all fifteen some-odd characters in the early supporting cast in the blurb, and if it isn't already obvious, blurbs aren't exactly my strong point either, so I'm likely going to go through several more revisions before I settle on one that works well enough for the story.

earthly forces sound clunky. I mean all forces are earthly, aren't they? I would be more specific. Government forces.

Yup. Dead on, again. Also, fixed. (And if it isn't presently, it will be soon). Thank you again, for pointing this stuff out.

EDIT: Looked into things a bit more. Neophyte is indeed the term for someone who has transitioned (or is transitioning) from "script kiddie" to "expertise", and isn't fitting for Tobias' character in the slightest.
Thank you for pointing that out, I will fix it in the next draft, but for reference, he is an exceptionally talented Grey-Hat merc-for-hire. I just need to figure out how to present this in the scope of the blurb's tone before I implement the revision.