around 3 years ago, mybe a year or two when i moved back with my parents near the start of COVID to take care of my mom's failing health, i began taking care of my then two year old niece because my brother and his sons kept going out to get drunk. She really took up a lot of my time back then because she didnt know me much and kept crying for her brother or dad and it eventually really got me irritable and i do remember and regret the times where i yelled at her with "WELL IM THE BEST YOU GOT RIGHT NOW" Whenever she whined for one of them especially hard. Like, it was really a situation where if i didnt, no one else would or was capable of taking care of her. Since then, she did grow overly attached to me which is endearing but inconvenient. The last year and a half my mother's health also deteriorated drastically.
Its been going down for the last few years slowly since she stopped taking her medications but the last year it really hit hard. She wasnt able to walk without assistance and was constantly soiling herself. My dad bought a trailer to put in the backyard because the main house where my brother and his sons live was so filthy and my mom hated it (i think thats what caused her depression to spiral back too) and she would be pissing herself each time me or my dad tried to take her to the bathroom twenty or so feet away from the bed. Then she just stopped being able to walk altogether, because she constntly laid in bed and made her muscles atrophy. She'd sit in a leather chair we brought into the trailer and piss herself, even soaking through the adult diapers we bought her. On the bed too, she's sometimes shit herself in a watery mess that sometimes got onto the bed itseld. Me and my dad were the only ones trying to keep her clean.
The worst was the ulcer that developed near her tailbone due to the constant pressure even when we kept turning her to her sides. She would soil herself and i kept getting scared it would reach that ulcer and get it infected especially since sometimes it would stick a bit to the chair she;d sit on or fabric of her clothes. And yeah i lost my temper a bit sometimes with her because i KNEW she could get better but didnt try and the stress of that and fear of how bad she'd gotten. She was never fighter either which i began to resent a little because it was always mainly me she called to help her do something. Even before all this happened. Made me feel like a servant at times but i wont get into that here. Anyway, i was haviing to take care of my niece in addition to my mom all through that while my brother and his sons continued to drink away their worries. My brother using the excuse "she doesnt call fo me anyway, its always you or dad"
Hell, i started drinking more due to this shit too. I admit i became an alcoholic. I mean i used to be a pothead too, so im prone to addiction and when i quit weed i moved to alcohol, but i was never this bad of a drunk before
All of that really killed my time and desire to write anything. Which was always just a hobby to me anyway but it feels like im actively avoiding it now. Dunno why
My mom died a few months ago, in june...or july. Im not sure, i havent kept track. My brother seems to be taking it the hardest, her death. My sister cried a bit because she knew she could have gotten better too but didnt want to. My eldest brother, i dunno how he heels. He lives in another town with his own family and i havent heard of him being all too bent out of shape about it. But my second older brother, the drunk? he seems to be taking it hard. I've heard my dad confide that he, my brother, talks to him about my mom when he's drunk. Saying he didnt know why she chose to let herself die, how she must not love him or my sister or me or any of them if she chose to die instead of staying with us.
Really annoys me, because he and my dad brought those boys of my brother's into the house and those boys were filthy. The damn garbage can in the toilet would be overlowing with shit stained toilet paper, holes in the walls were made in the walls and doors when they started fighting, the living room where they slept was a mess, the kitchen would pile with dishes.
none of that was a problem before they came. Instead of my brother getting a job and taking his children and finding a new house they all pilrf into the living room and making it a mess. Inviting over their friends or girldriends. Like, why the fuck would you want guests over when your house looks so trashy? Anyway, thats why i blame them for my mom's depression coming back, leading to an even worse deterioration of her health. And me, there's only some much one person can say or do alone, Neither my dad nor brother really put those boys in their place like they should have and i can only do so much without getting violent. But i couldnt. I'd kill them. I know i would. It not an exaggeration, its not something i;d say to try and sound all mean and tough. I just really had too much built up resentment that i knew if i let out i would do something terrible.
Anywho, i moved out since then. Just a few houses down but i feel alot calmer now. My niece moved in with me, She'd be safer here instead of with her rowdy brothers. I let my sister move in too since its really close to her job and her adopted son is an annoying destructive shit because both the mom and dad were crackheads but he;s otherwise okay. I just let him dig holes or whatever to get rid of his excess energy. Her daughter is a lil cutie too and we all get along okay But yeah. I still feel a very real lack of motivation when it comes to more creative things like my writing hobby. At most, im working outside uprooting dead trees, leveling out the yard and putting up christmas lights.