Honest Feedback pls.(Not valid)

[Hoshino]

Yes. I am doing this every week until i get a proper feedback of the entire novel.

If you complain about it not having paragraphs,then its The protagonist way of thinking.

http://

 

[ShrimpShady]

Aight, I read up until your latest chapter. I was genuinely curious to see if you would explore all the ideas and plot threads you set up in the beginning of the story, but I found myself checking out basically by chapter 4.

I thought chapter 2 was kind of a step in the right direction, with its introduction of all these new characters and *gasp* even more plot threads. As I was reading though, I found myself wondering when we're gonna actually learn more about this weird time stopped world and when we're gonna actually learn about these new characters who were introduced just so abruptly, with no real attention given to their personalities or even their appearance. Those thoughts were quickly washed away, however, with an "it was all a dream" bit. Granted, you've followed up that bit with hints of an "...or is it?", but I found myself having trouble caring about those hints because the story just moves at a breakneck pace, without really any sense of causality between what happens in it. In my opinion, a lot of the story up until this point just feels like a lot of "and then", "and then", "and then"'s.

I don't have much to say about chapter 3 except that I noticed a lot more of it reeks of AI generation, but I'll come back to that later. Again, the characters introduced in this chapter all feel like faceless blobs. The dialogue feels like canned anime dialogue, generic and stilted, and I think there's a lot more of it compared to other chapters. Seeing Natsumi's interactions with the other characters made me realize that I really don't care about this guy at all. I don't know nothing about him. He's a chuunibyou, for some reason, I guess, and he's kind of brooding too. But I didn't find anything else to even latch onto. To top it all off, the end of chapter 3 gave me severe whiplash with that weird monologue. It's nothing like what had come before it. The narrative voice is completely different, which I've noticed in places earlier, but this was the most blatant example so far. This is where the stench of AI was most pungent in this chapter (If it's not AI, I give you permission to shoot me in the head execution style if our paths cross somehow). And even if it wasn't AI, again, it just comes out of nowhere and doesn't fit the vibe or Natsumi's narrative voice at all.

Finally, chapter 4 was where I decided that my curiosity over the cocktail of different ideas you've thrown in the opening chapters just wasn't enough to overpower the disconnect I felt towards where the story was going. I won't comment on the song. I'm sure it's heavenly if I heard someone sang it to me. Anyway, it opens again with narration that sounds nothing like what we got previously (the presence of paragraphs just fuels that disconnect and AI suspicion, considering that you've barely been using paragraphs). Then, our protagonist goes into his little song. This is just about where I kinda checked out mentally. There were all these emotional descriptions in the bits of narration between the lyrics, but I just couldn't be invested. This scene seemed to be some sort of emotional climax for Natsumi, but I don't even know this character enough to care. It feels like an unearned payoff, rather than actual catharsis. Unless I missed something in the previous chapters that really gave a lot more insight into Natsumi's character.

I won't pretend I understood what was going on in chapter 5, but that's honestly par for the course (it's to the point that I'm wondering if I'm just horribly misunderstanding something about the story). I thought the ending was pretty neat though. It put that single sentence style to good use.

Overall, I think your story would benefit from slowing down a bit. And there's nothing wrong with feeding the readers little crumbs of what's going on as the story progresses, just so that it doesn't seem like a bunch of random events one after another. Give us some more insights into these characters too, breathe some life into their interactions. And also, cool it with the AI, or shoot me if it isn't.

 

[Hoshino]

Aight, I read up until your latest chapter. I was genuinely curious to see if you would explore all the ideas and plot threads you set up in the beginning of the story, but I found myself checking out basically by chapter 4.

I thought chapter 2 was kind of a step in the right direction, with its introduction of all these new characters and *gasp* even more plot threads. As I was reading though, I found myself wondering when we're gonna actually learn more about this weird time stopped world and when we're gonna actually learn about these new characters who were introduced just so abruptly, with no real attention given to their personalities or even their appearance. Those thoughts were quickly washed away, however, with an "it was all a dream" bit. Granted, you've followed up that bit with hints of an "...or is it?", but I found myself having trouble caring about those hints because the story just moves at a breakneck pace, without really any sense of causality between what happens in it. In my opinion, a lot of the story up until this point just feels like a lot of "and then", "and then", "and then"'s.

I don't have much to say about chapter 3 except that I noticed a lot more of it reeks of AI generation, but I'll come back to that later. Again, the characters introduced in this chapter all feel like faceless blobs. The dialogue feels like canned anime dialogue, generic and stilted, and I think there's a lot more of it compared to other chapters. Seeing Natsumi's interactions with the other characters made me realize that I really don't care about this guy at all. I don't know nothing about him. He's a chuunibyou, for some reason, I guess, and he's kind of brooding too. But I didn't find anything else to even latch onto. To top it all off, the end of chapter 3 gave me severe whiplash with that weird monologue. It's nothing like what had come before it. The narrative voice is completely different, which I've noticed in places earlier, but this was the most blatant example so far. This is where the stench of AI was most pungent in this chapter (If it's not AI, I give you permission to shoot me in the head execution style if our paths cross somehow). And even if it wasn't AI, again, it just comes out of nowhere and doesn't fit the vibe or Natsumi's narrative voice at all.

Finally, chapter 4 was where I decided that my curiosity over the cocktail of different ideas you've thrown in the opening chapters just wasn't enough to overpower the disconnect I felt towards where the story was going. I won't comment on the song. I'm sure it's heavenly if I heard someone sang it to me. Anyway, it opens again with narration that sounds nothing like what we got previously (the presence of paragraphs just fuels that disconnect and AI suspicion, considering that you've barely been using paragraphs). Then, our protagonist goes into his little song. This is just about where I kinda checked out mentally. There were all these emotional descriptions in the bits of narration between the lyrics, but I just couldn't be invested. This scene seemed to be some sort of emotional climax for Natsumi, but I don't even know this character enough to care. It feels like an unearned payoff, rather than actual catharsis. Unless I missed something in the previous chapters that really gave a lot more insight into Natsumi's character.

I won't pretend I understood what was going on in chapter 5, but that's honestly par for the course (it's to the point that I'm wondering if I'm just horribly misunderstanding something about the story). I thought the ending was pretty neat though. It put that single sentence style to good use.

Overall, I think your story would benefit from slowing down a bit. And there's nothing wrong with feeding the readers little crumbs of what's going on as the story progresses, just so that it doesn't seem like a bunch of random events one after another. Give us some more insights into these characters too, breathe some life into their interactions. And also, cool it with the AI, or shoot me if it isn't.

Oh my god,now that i reread the chapters the narrative is different on chapter 2.
I don't proofread that much but i might need to do more often. By the way, none of this is AI—the things i use for AI are illustrations/cover, names of Background characters and Grammar.
Thank you for soo much for reading this.
Also, did you even try to understand all of this? As i mentioned the Time lapse before.I'm not going to go in to the deaths of things now but here I'm going to drop a spoiler:
「The time lapse between the south and north is not so different, the rotational speed, the axis, the equator, the mental health makes up the ‘time lapse.’」

『Time lapse:
A phenomenon that happens when the mentality of a person starts to "break." The soul in the body coexists with the mentality. If (a) it breaks, then there happens a phenomenon known as the time lapse,the closer you are the darker it gets,
The further you are the closer it gets,
The time jump of random seconds,minutes,days—years, could be both forward and backward—is known as the time lapse phenomenon.』

Now do you understand anything?
In chapter five, you get alot of hints.

Also the ideas and plot threads at the start will happen in volume 1.


Again, thanks for reading and reviewing HanaSuki.

 

[ShrimpShady]

By the way, none of this is AI—the things i use for AI are illustrations/cover, names of Background characters and Grammar.

I'll take your word for it at this point. Don't wanna get any more confrontational about it. Just again, it'd do the story well if its narrative voice was consistent throughout so that readers aren't suddenly pulled out of the experience when they see longer introspective paragraphs that don't sound anything like the waves upon waves of plain (not necessarily in a bad way) single-line text.

Also, did you even try to understand all of this? As i mentioned the Time lapse before.I'm not going to go in to the deaths of things now but here I'm going to drop a spoiler:

I understood that there was weird wobbly time stuff going on, but another thing is that I would suggest that you were a bit more concrete about it. I don't mean you have to beat readers over the head with your explanations. Let's take the time lapse description given in chapter 3 for example. What exactly is north and south here? The poles? The earth's hemispheres? What do you mean by the rotational speed and the axis, etc.? I don't think all that gives the reader a solid enough idea of what's supposed to be going on. It kinda gives me the vibes of empty sci-fi technobabble, or a new-age crystals blog or something, rather than an actual explanation of what seems to be a central plot element.

What I was really trying to get at when I said I had trouble understanding what was going on was that the story kinda moves on too fast. We're not really given time or space to think about what's going on and to familiarize ourselves. All these plot points just get thrown at us again and again, while previous ones are yet to be explained. We get these new characters like Atsisaya and Mikuru, but the story doesn't spend any real time fleshing them out. Like, why does Atsisaya like Natsumi? He's been kind of a dick from what we've seen. Why does he love her? That felt like it came out of nowhere. I assume it's some kind of tsundere thing, but I'm just not sold on it yet. But while I was trying to process that, time accelerates and it's suddenly WW3. Instead of following a natural series of events fueled by the characters' motivations, actions, and the consequences of said actions, it feels like the story just moves forward before we can even get our bearings or care about what's going on.

 

[Hoshino]

I'll take your word for it at this point. Don't wanna get any more confrontational about it. Just again, it'd do the story well if its narrative voice was consistent throughout so that readers aren't suddenly pulled out of the experience when they see longer introspective paragraphs that don't sound anything like the waves upon waves of plain (not necessarily in a bad way) single-line text.

I understood that there was weird wobbly time stuff going on, but another thing is that I would suggest that you were a bit more concrete about it. I don't mean you have to beat readers over the head with your explanations. Let's take the time lapse description given in chapter 3 for example. What exactly is north and south here? The poles? The earth's hemispheres? What do you mean by the rotational speed and the axis, etc.? I don't think all that gives the reader a solid enough idea of what's supposed to be going on. It kinda gives me the vibes of empty sci-fi technobabble, or a new-age crystals blog or something, rather than an actual explanation of what seems to be a central plot element.

.....i am gonna explain things.
Don't read if your going to continue reading the novel.
The north and south is two parts of humans. The rational and the irrational.
The rotational speed is its cognitive ability.
The equator is its emotions.
The mental health is obvious.
『Time lapse:
A phenomenon that happens when the mentality of a person starts to "break." The soul in the body coexists with the mentality. If (a) it breaks, then there happens a phenomenon known as the time lapse,the closer you are the darker it gets,
The further you are the closer it gets,
The time jump of random seconds,minutes,days—years, could be both forward and backward—is known as the time lapse phenomenon.』

Do you understand something?
Well. I was going to explain this in later chapters when Natsumi finally kills someone and suffers more and more

What I was really trying to get at when I said I had trouble understanding what was going on was that the story kinda moves on too fast. We're not really given time or space to think about what's going on and to familiarize ourselves. All these plot points just get thrown at us again and again, while previous ones are yet to be explained. We get these new characters like Atsisaya and Mikuru, but the story doesn't spend any real time fleshing them out. Like, why does Atsisaya like Natsumi? He's been kind of a dick from what we've seen. Why does he love her? That felt like it came out of nowhere. I assume it's some kind of tsundere thing, but I'm just not sold on it yet. But while I was trying to process that, time accelerates and it's suddenly WW3. Instead of following a natural series of events fueled by the characters' motivations, actions, and the consequences of said actions, it feels like the story just moves forward before we can even get our bearings or care about what's going on.

Why does Atsisaya love Natsumi?
Well that will be explained in chapter six, with everything and little bit on why time is frozen.

The pacing isn't that fast.
Its rather slow than my original one that was planned.

If its still to slow, then I'll slow it down even more in the second part of volume 1.