I've read 5 of your chapters. Here are my honest impressions based on my
reading experience.
In general, your chapters have a smooth flow. The paragraphs are also neat.
Well, that's the strength of the narrative. Now, let's discuss the weaknesses of the narrative:
First, the narrator's voice that explains the
character's emotions. During active scenes (for example, the MC is interacting with other characters and their environment), the narrator often instructs and explains what the character is feeling during the scene.
As a result, the emotions become flat. The reader understands the character's emotions but cannot feel the character's emotions. For example in this narrative:
From the day she became aware of herself, this hospital room was the only place she had ever known. It felt like home… and also like a cage.
She felt like a princess trapped in a birdcage.
Dragging her wheelchair back near the window, she began watching the outside scenery once again. Yet, this time, her thoughts were elsewhere.
‘I wonder how well sis will do in her exam.’
The last time she came to visit, her sister didn’t seem all that confident about it. She fidgeted so much when Maya brought up exams as the topic of their conversation.
A wave of emotions hit her as she reminisced about her time with her family.
They held a special place in her life.
If you want to make the emotions immersive, felt by the reader, then you need to minimize the narrator's voice and narrate the emotions more subtly with sensory details, physiological reactions, body language, actions, dialogue/ monologue and atmosphere. So, the character's emotions will feel more authentic.
Second, the narrator also often instructs the scene by giving
info dumps as the scene progresses. As a result, pacing slows. Information should be conveyed more organically through the MC's interactions with their environment. For example:
In this mansion, all family members were assigned their own personal servants. These servants existed solely for their master’s needs; they had no other tasks.
The one standing beside that door should be his own personal maid. She was the maid he saw when he first woke up in this world.
But she was nowhere to be seen, and a maid who wasn’t even a personal servant was standing in her position.
Adrian stood still for a moment, then walked up to the maid. When he spoke, his tone carried the same authority he had used with the librarian.
Regarding the servant hierarchy, the narrative should allow the MC to interact with the servants to demonstrate their social hierarchy and authority, rather than having the narrator explain their hierarchy through info dumps.
Third, the narrator often instructs the
MC's thoughts, instead of allowing the MC to think independently. As a result, the MC's characterization can feel flat, more like a plot device than a living character. For example:
Five years had passed since the day he woke up to this new reality, yet he still had no clue about what had caused it all.
‘Though I do have some guesses.’
He had made many assumptions about why he had been reborn this way. Over the past five years, some of those assumptions had developed into concrete theories.
‘Maybe I’m inside some sort of game or story.’
That seemed to be the most logical assumption. He had been reading a web comic that day, and he had even criticized it. He may have fallen into the world of that story, or any other story, for that matter.
Although the theory sounded absurd, his rebirth itself was already beyond reason. If he wanted to understand it, he had to be willing to consider the illogical.
‘But I have no proof to base this theory on.’
In chapter 5, when the scene about the mystery of the origin of reincarnation is narrated... the narrator explains theories of reincarnation resulting from the MC's thoughts.
It makes MC seems smart (telling of intelligence), instead of showing the MC's intelligence.
This scene would have been more organic if it had allowed the MC to think independently, experiencing inner turmoil. You could have narrated the MC's dialectic in his mind through monologues and reactions to the books he was studying to formulate the theories of reincarnation.
The weakness of the narrative in these chapters lies in the narrator's rather
noisy and dictating voice. If you want the narrative to be immersive, you need to let the scenes speak... and trust your readers to interpret them.
Finally, your narrative will not only make the reader understand but also leave a lasting impression on their mind and feelings.
Well, that's my feedback.
Regards.
. Perhaps choosing racism as a super niche tag might work.