Hi, pls roast a novel that I wrote a year ago

[Yuin]

Return to You Who is Lost [BL]

Yu De, a young man with a lost past who struggled to make ends meet, was transmigrated into a game world where he had to follow every mission assigned by the system. He was told that his fate was destined to die for world progression, with the promise that he...

www.scribblehub.com

btw, the BL element isn’t strong because I know many of the readers are not comfortable with that (I revised my prologue and remove the smut scene )

warning: I don’t have a storyboard when writing this. I personally wrote it and used chat gpt to proofread because I don’t have anyone to do that for me. My english sucks due to the fact I rarely read books. So, please don’t expect much from this. It is shit writing but I enjoy my story. Anyways, I need opinions and feedbacks on how to improve it. Maybe one day, I will rewrite it. Thanks!

 

[VertisGuguChalimoth]

Return to You Who is Lost [BL]

Yu De, a young man with a lost past who struggled to make ends meet, was transmigrated into a game world where he had to follow every mission assigned by the system. He was told that his fate was destined to die for world progression, with the promise that he...

www.scribblehub.com

btw, the BL element isn’t strong because I know many of the readers are not comfortable with that (I revised my prologue and remove the smut scene )

warning: I don’t have a storyboard when writing this. I personally wrote it and used chat gpt to proofread because I don’t have anyone to do that for me. My english sucks due to the fact I rarely read books. So, please don’t expect much from this. It is shit writing but I enjoy my story. Anyways, I need opinions and feedbacks on how to improve it. Maybe one day, I will rewrite it. Thanks!

Okay.
Vertis is going to review now.

 

[VertisGuguChalimoth]

NOTE: Vertis is barely an author so Vertis can't say much about writing styles and whatnot. As such, Vertis will only tell you what Vertis thinks.
Vertis only read up until chapter 5. Vertis is incapable of roasting others due to...

Prologue Thoughts:
To Vertis, it was very good. The imagery was great and the pacing was alright.

Vertis thinks that it should be "dissipated" not "dissipate" here:

His remaining will dissipate after seeing the system notification. Before he could understand it, another system notification popped up.

Chapter 1 Thoughts:
It took Vertis a while to figure out they were in the carriage. Maybe its because Vertis was reading quickly or something on your part. VDK
Overall, very good just like prologue.

Vertis thinks the starting of this sentence seems weird.

What for to live if he was to be tormented by the facades of emotions and hypocrisy of his actions.

Vertis thinks it should be "the" instead of "his" here:

Yohan remembered his dealings he had with The Guild before.

Vertis thinks it should be "with" instead of "on" here:

Yet, he inflicted pain and suffering on his crimes.

Vertis does not understand this portion of dialogue here:

so be overwhelmed by others’ experiences.”

Chapter 3 Thoughts:

Also very good just like the previous chapters.

Is "we" supposed to be here?

facing an ashen grey we hair contrasted by his tan skin

Vertis thinks this sentence sounds off somehow here:

Her walls have a set of properties and neutralise or rebound Calibre within its inner walls.

Vertis thinks this line sounds off somehow here:

“Ah! So refreshing. I thought eyes got blinded,” Herrace laughed.

A minor typo here, "pince", and the line sounds off somehow here:

‘I never thought of this day when Laurent will be the crown pince. That’s a big change.’

Overall Thoughts:

-Very good dialogue
-Very good pacing
- The setting was a bit confusing because Vertis thought it was medieval but you mention a lot of stuff that isn't medieval.
- To Vertis, the story didn't seem to have a goal. Then again, story like this aren't really Vertis' cup of tea so VDK.
- For the chapters that Vertis read, it didn't really hook Vertis.

 

[Yuin]

NOTE: Vertis is barely an author so Vertis can't say much about writing styles and whatnot. As such, Vertis will only tell you what Vertis thinks.
Vertis only read up until chapter 5. Vertis is incapable of roasting others due to...

Prologue Thoughts:
To Vertis, it was very good. The imagery was great and the pacing was alright.

Vertis thinks that it should be "dissipated" not "dissipate" here:


Chapter 1 Thoughts:
It took Vertis a while to figure out they were in the carriage. Maybe its because Vertis was reading quickly or something on your part. VDK
Overall, very good just like prologue.

Vertis thinks the starting of this sentence seems weird.

Vertis thinks it should be "the" instead of "his" here:

Vertis thinks it should be "with" instead of "on" here:

Vertis does not understand this portion of dialogue here:

Chapter 3 Thoughts:

Also very good just like the previous chapters.

Is "we" supposed to be here?

Vertis thinks this sentence sounds off somehow here:

Vertis thinks this line sounds off somehow here:

A minor typo here, "pince", and the line sounds off somehow here:


Overall Thoughts:

-Very good dialogue
-Very good pacing
- The setting was a bit confusing because Vertis thought it was medieval but you mention a lot of stuff that isn't medieval.
- To Vertis, the story didn't seem to have a goal. Then again, story like this aren't really Vertis' cup of tea so VDK.
- For the chapters that Vertis read, it didn't really hook Vertis.

Thanks buddy for reading this novel that I forgot it existed! I haven’t proofread my novel so I’m not surprised by the mistakes and inconsistencies here and there. But if you think the prologue was good, then it gives me the motivation to rewrite chapter 1 onwards lol (yea I just rewrote prologue today that’s why it’s a bit better (?)) Anyways, thanks for reading my novel until chapter 5. That’s like at least 10k words