Hey there, I need your opinion

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

It's me, Thorn.


Title: Scapegrace ( placeholder )


Synopsis:

It's 1977 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout America. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the R.G.A. But for centuries the grand prize has always been The Stone Kingdom located in the Black Sea.

23 year-old, Sage Cartwright is a white-passing teacher at an integrated Middle School in Chicago. As a member of high society she is expected to complete her social season as a debutante and find a husband.

21 year-old, Joss Adesina and 11 year-old Elijah Adesina are African-American Magesmiths from Louisiana. Magesmiths are people with unique magic systems and for them their bloodline is Ninjutsu.



After traveling across the USA the sister and brother go to Chicago to stake a claim on this whimsical and forgotten folklore. But a sinister calamity threatens to shake and break the world.

 

[Eldoria]

Your synopsis still contains unnecessary infodump to make readers care. Furthermore, the personal stakes are only implied, making it difficult for readers to connect emotionally.

 

[Shamiko]

In theory, everything looks great, however, there’s rlly nothing that piqued my interest. No hook. Check for that

 

[JHarp]

It's 1977 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout America. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the R.G.A. But for centuries the grand prize has always been The Stone Kingdom located in the Black Sea.

It's 1977 and society has advanced due to the spoils of war that the newly established Guilds have clawed out of urban dungeons all over america. Mazes and monsters that... (Idk, threaten society? Whats your plot). With the final goal, the grand prize being The Stone Kingdom hidden somewhere in the Black Sea

23 year-old, Sage Cartwright is a white-passing teacher at an integrated Middle School in Chicago. As a member of high society she is expected to complete her social season as a debutante and find a husband.

As a member of high society, 23 year old Sage Cartwright is a white passing teacher, struggling under expectations to complete her social season as a debutante and pressure to find a husband.

21 year-old, Joss Adesina and 11 year-old Elijah Adesina are African-American Magesmiths from Louisiana. Magesmiths are people with unique magic systems and for them their bloodline is Ninjutsu.

The [familial relation] Joss and Elijah Adesina are African-American Magesmiths, with a unique magical bloodline trying to find their place from their hometown in Louisiana.


Trying to write the last one is hard because I lack more information, you don't even state directly if they are siblings, cousins, step siblings, extended family, adopted.
Overall the version you asked for an opinion on, you seem to be listing facts, you aren't building a cause and effect. It's probably fine for the start of a novel, but the more everything feels connected, the more interesting it could be to people.

Whatever magesmith ninjitsu thing you have would be great to expand on, maybe some part of them leaving the city you decided to name as their hometown or any amount of worldbuilding like a clan living there or some other information.

I figured I'd spitball how I might write the synopsis so don't go thinking I'm right on any of this, I don't have half the backstory/details, the sentences in general can be mixed better instead of relying on a list of independent clauses.

 

[FRWriter]

Can I be totally honest? I voted in between, because a synopsis needs to be accurate. So if this synopsis is indeed the story you want to tell, it obviously works, and only you can decide that.

I just don't really think that's the case, or if it's the case, the story will be really situational and the potential audience extremely small.

Don't take it too hard, or even personally, but I think honest feedback is what you are after, and these are my brutally honest thoughts. Really only trying to help.

Maybe I'm also misreading a lot of things, but that's what a normal reader without too many brain cells like me gets from your synopsis.

It's me, Thorn.


Title: Scapegrace ( placeholder )


Synopsis:

It's 1977 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout America. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the R.G.A. But for centuries the grand prize has always been The Stone Kingdom located in the Black Sea.

This sounds more like a setting than a synopsis. Usually introduced organically in the first chapters. Though if the dungeons are the central theme, I guess it's fine, though the following content is unrelated. To be honest, all I see are 4 disconnected parts, none of them working together. You introduced 4 separate story elements. 1. Setting / 2. 1st character / 3. 2+3rd character / 4. some kind of plot and threat.

23 year-old, Sage Cartwright is a white-passing teacher at an integrated Middle School in Chicago. As a member of high society she is expected to complete her social season as a debutante and find a husband.

Again, setting/character introduction.

Also, since you are addressing race, you are also making a huge statement that race will be front and center in your story. Anything in the Synopsis is usually the core theme and main plot of the novel. Personally, I like to read books to absolutely relax and disconnect from the real world. This implies a struggle-filled world with a grim reality, probably losing the majority of all potential readers at this point.

Call me a shallow reader, but this is already something that is quite hard for me to appreciate and kills my interest. While I can appreciate these elements, a story with them as the central element is more suitable for challenging my brain instead of allowing me to relax and have fun.

21 year-old, Joss Adesina and 11 year-old Elijah Adesina are African-American Magesmiths from Louisiana. Magesmiths are people with unique magic systems and for them their bloodline is Ninjutsu.

Again, setting/character introduction. Louisiana... one of the most pro slavery sates in the US and generally regarded as... you know... racist. At least to someone uninformed and not too involved in US politics like me.
2 African Americans. Again, this already tells the viewer that race/race conflict is more of a central theme than the actual calamity, which is mentioned in THE LAST SENTENCE, appearing more as a small addendum rather than the central theme and conflict, which "saving the world" usually implies, lol.
Usually, race doesn't matter in most stories, but since you are focusing so much on it, it implies it will be VERY important. This is not good/bad on its own, but I am not sure there is a huge audience for it on SH. Casual readers like me like to pretend that the world is great. Obviously, it is not, and this might be realistic, but I hate fucking hate this world, so realistic is not something I'll appreciate.

What does a bloodline have to do with being a magesmith, which is a unique magic system? It's like comparing two different things and mixing them. Also, how can "Ninjutsu" be a bloodline? Isn't Ninjutsu supposed to be from Japan and more of a hidden art/skillset? A bloodline implies something inherently present in the human body, inherited by each generation. By claiming they are African-American, I can't comprehend how their bloodline is supposed to be Ninjutsu? Are they of both Japanese and African, or is Ninjutsu (a Japanese term) created in Africa in your world?

After traveling all over the world the sister and brother go to Chicago to stake a claim on this whimsical and forgotten folklore. But a sinister calamity threatens to shake and break the world.

"All over the world?" Or just in America? I thought they were from Louisiana. Why did they travel all over the world if their starting point is Louisiana and their goal is Chicago?

The "threatens the world" threat at the end loses all meaning and makes the entire story appear really stupid. It sounds like a stereotypical attempt to squeeze in a high-stakes element at the very end.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Your synopsis still contains unnecessary infodump to make readers care. Furthermore, the personal stakes are only implied, making it difficult for readers to connect emotionally.

So, if the info I just wrote down is unnecessary than what should I do?

Cause I'm trying not to give too much away, Im starting to realize I'm not that good at writing a synopsis. I get a general idea of the story and just run with it

Can I be totally honest? I voted in between, because a synopsis needs to be accurate. So if this synopsis is indeed the story you want to tell, it obviously works, and only you can decide that.

I just don't really think that's the case, or if it's the case, the story will be really situational and the potential audience extremely small.

Don't take it too hard, or even personally, but I think honest feedback is what you are after, and these are my brutally honest thoughts. Really only trying to help.

Maybe I'm also misreading a lot of things, but that's what a normal reader without too many brain cells like me gets from your synopsis.



This sounds more like a setting than a synopsis. Usually introduced organically in the first chapters. Though if the dungeons are the central theme, I guess it's fine, though the following content is unrelated. To be honest, all I see are 4 disconnected parts, none of them working together. You introduced 4 separate story elements. 1. Setting / 2. 1st character / 3. 2+3rd character / 4. some kind of plot and threat.



Again, setting/character introduction.

Also, since you are addressing race, you are also making a huge statement that race will be front and center in your story. Anything in the Synopsis is usually the core theme and main plot of the novel. Personally, I like to read books to absolutely relax and disconnect from the real world. This implies a struggle-filled world with a grim reality, probably losing the majority of all potential readers at this point.

Call me a shallow reader, but this is already something that is quite hard for me to appreciate and kills my interest. While I can appreciate these elements, a story with them as the central element is more suitable for challenging my brain instead of allowing me to relax and have fun.



Again, setting/character introduction. Louisiana... one of the most pro slavery sates in the US and generally regarded as... you know... racist. At least to someone uninformed and not too involved in US politics like me.
2 African Americans. Again, this already tells the viewer that race/race conflict is more of a central theme than the actual calamity, which is mentioned in THE LAST SENTENCE, appearing more as a small addendum rather than the central theme and conflict, which "saving the world" usually implies, lol.
Usually, race doesn't matter in most stories, but since you are focusing so much on it, it implies it will be VERY important. This is not good/bad on its own, but I am not sure there is a huge audience for it on SH. Casual readers like me like to pretend that the world is great. Obviously, it is not, and this might be realistic, but I hate fucking hate this world, so realistic is not something I'll appreciate.

What does a bloodline have to do with being a magesmith, which is a unique magic system? It's like comparing two different things and mixing them. Also, how can "Ninjutsu" be a bloodline? Isn't Ninjutsu supposed to be from Japan and more of a hidden art/skillset? A bloodline implies something inherently present in the human body, inherited by each generation. By claiming they are African-American, I can't comprehend how their bloodline is supposed to be Ninjutsu? Are they of both Japanese and African, or is Ninjutsu (a Japanese term) created in Africa in your world?



"All over the world?" Or just in America? I thought they were from Louisiana. Why did they travel all over the world if their starting point is Louisiana and their goal is Chicago?

The "threatens the world" threat at the end loses all meaning and makes the entire story appear really stupid. It sounds like a stereotypical attempt to squeeze in a high-stakes element at the very end.

Lol, I really like your thoughts!

Yea, the Synopsis seems confusing at the moment. I guess I'll explain the magic systems and what I mean by bloodlines.

So, Joss and Elijah's grandfather found a magic book ( Ninja techniques ) and normally magic books have certain requirements. Eventually, the grandfather activates the book and now the magic system is bound to their bloodline.

And that's how they became Magesmiths.

The Stone Kingdom is a big deal for people because that's land. For many years, people have been trying to find the stone key that is hidden inside the many, many dungeons across America.

Trust me, I'm pretty excited about this and yea. I know some people might not vibe with this type of story and I'm not too sad.

But thx FR, your really insightful.

 

[FRWriter]

So, if the info I just wrote down is unnecessary than what should I do?

Cause I'm trying not to give too much away, Im starting to realize I'm not that good at writing a synopsis. I get a general idea of the story and just run with it


Lol, I really like your thoughts!

Yea, the Synopsis seems confusing at the moment. I guess I'll explain the magic systems and what I mean by bloodlines.

So, Joss and Elijah's grandfather found a magic book ( Ninja techniques ) and normally magic books have certain requirements. Eventually, the grandfather activates the book and now the magic system is bound to their bloodline.

And that's how they became Magesmiths.

The Stone Kingdom is a big deal for people because that's land. For many years, people have been trying to find the stone key that is hidden inside the many, many dungeons across America.

Trust me, I'm pretty excited about this and yea. I know some people might not vibe with this type of story and I'm not too sad.

But thx FR, your really insightful.

Those explanations make total sense, as I thought. I'd tweak the synopsis and maybe make it less complicated and more about the actual plot, which seems really cool. I'd probably include the bloodline ninja techniques as well to make those characters more special and unique.

You can potentially add the character descriptions as an addendum under the real synopsis or just introduce them during the first chapter.

If you make these changes, I think it comes across as way more interesting and plot-based.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

In theory, everything looks great, however, there’s rlly nothing that piqued my interest. No hook. Check for that

Can you give me an example of a hook?

Should I do a quote?

 

[MFontana]

It's me, Thorn.


Title: Scapegrace ( placeholder )


Synopsis:

It's 1977 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout America. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the R.G.A. But for centuries the grand prize has always been The Stone Kingdom located in the Black Sea.

23 year-old, Sage Cartwright is a white-passing teacher at an integrated Middle School in Chicago. As a member of high society she is expected to complete her social season as a debutante and find a husband.

21 year-old, Joss Adesina and 11 year-old Elijah Adesina are African-American Magesmiths from Louisiana. Magesmiths are people with unique magic systems and for them their bloodline is Ninjutsu.



After traveling all over the world the sister and brother go to Chicago to stake a claim on this whimsical and forgotten folklore. But a sinister calamity threatens to shake and break the world.

As a reader, I wouldn't read the story based on the synopsis here (speaking overall and as-written). I'm intrigued, but the synopsis is a bit all over the place and makes it tough to really get invested. There's a squandered hook in the setting and presence of the dungeons (that admittedly did catch my interest) because there aren't any clear stakes involved that I can see alongside its delivery.

The character introductions are also out-of-place and feel more like info-dumps and checklists of traits, without anything to really get me invested in the characters or their struggles, which is a necessity in a good synopsis. Rather than introductions to the characters like those, I'd suggest picking one, maybe two, and devoting the synopsis to them and their struggles to deliver the opening character hook, and get the prospective reader caring about them.

To that end, I have a few questions that could (hopefully) help you point the story where you want it to go, but before I get to that, I'd like to address this bit.

It's 1977 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout America. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the R.G.A. But for centuries the grand prize has always been The Stone Kingdom located in the Black Sea.

Very good. You set the time period and setting genre (urban fantasy circa 1977 in the south-eastern / southern United States) quickly, and also set the tone and direction (adventure, leaning dungeon-crawls) for the story smoothly and it is what definitely caught my interest, but rather than abbreviate things here, I'd suggest spelling out what the R.G.A. is, or more accurately, what the acronym stands for, and the tone of what the organization, and the guilds, represent in your setting alongside how they matter to the protagonist/PoV character(s). Given the era though, that is a very distinct cultural snapshot and does wonders to set the tone for the story without wasting too much time doing so.

There's only one minor inconsistency that I picked up on in this bit. In the opening sentence, you specify the dungeons appeared throughout America, but at the end, state the 'grand prize' has been one located in the Black Sea (in Eastern Europe, geographically speaking). As an equally minor suggestion, I'd say to swap "America" with "the world" to indicate the global status, or put the dungeon in question somewhere in the USA rather than Europe, but this is a little detail. Do with it as you will. It's your story, and your setting.

Now, on to the questions, which are intended to help point you in a direction to hone your synopsis and get you really thinking about the story and the characters the synopsis is meant to pull readers into.
1) Who is the Point-of-View character?
2) Who is the Protagonist?
(They do not necessarily need to be the same character).
3) What are the stakes for the protagonist?
4) What happened in the immediate past before the story starts?
5) What are the stakes the protagonist is facing in the story's opening?
6) What is one immediate, major, challenge the protagonist will face during the story?
7) What is one immediate, dangerous, monster the characters will face (in a dungeon)?
8) Is Ethnicity/Race/Ancestry a major plot-point of your story?

For the last question, it pertains to the info-dump tone that their ethnicities have in the synopsis as-written.
If it isn't a major part of the story (even though it certainly was a major part of the history in the region, especially at that specific time period you picked), then you may want to save that for the in-line narrative and descriptions of the characters and to cut it from the synopsis.
On the contrary, if it IS a major part of the story (which again, makes perfect sense for the historical time period and location), then not only should it be included in the synopsis, but it could be reasonably focused on alongside the struggles the characters endured as a result.

That's something only you can decide, and whatever you decide, will inherently be the right choice for your story.

Lastly, this bit (which honestly is the weakest part of the synopsis in my opinion) really needs to be addressed.

After traveling all over the world the sister and brother go to Chicago to stake a claim on this whimsical and forgotten folklore. But a sinister calamity threatens to shake and break the world.

The logistics of travelling "all over the world" in 1977 would be a nightmare [Passports, Funds, Paperwork, Questions and Attention], not to mention the amount of time it would take to meaningfully travel in that scope, especially if one character is only 11 years old at the time of having achieved that. I'd suggest narrowing the scope of the travel to the continental USA, which is a large-enough area to begin with, but isn't unreasonable in the era for a duo of siblings to manage to travel throughout over the course of a couple of years independently.

Now, the introduction of the threat, an unnamed brewing calamity that threatens the world is a massive-scale threat, and probably shouldn't be where characters start out, or what the synopsis drops as an opener, and is delivered fairly late. I'd recommend setting more immediate stakes. Something small that you can name (IE: The dungeon boss-monster of a local dungeon, or maybe the characters stumble on a mysterious artifact and get attacked by forces who are after said object) as the opening stakes and conflict before you move onto the world-ending threats later on in the narrative, and start the second paragraph of the synopsis on the character introduction and immediate stakes and threat.

So, again, I hope this helps you shape and hone your synopsis to what you want your story to be about, and as a parting side-note...
I really do like the setting. It screams film-noir style blended with The Dresden Files against a more modern-fantasy backdrop, and is definitely one that I'd be invested in if the stakes for the characters were clearer.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

It's 1977 and society has advanced due to the spoils of war that the newly established Guilds have clawed out of urban dungeons all over america. Mazes and monsters that... (Idk, threaten society? Whats your plot). With the final goal, the grand prize being The Stone Kingdom hidden somewhere in the Black Sea


As a member of high society, 23 year old Sage Cartwright is a white passing teacher, struggling under expectations to complete her social season as a debutante and pressure to find a husband.


The [familial relation] Joss and Elijah Adesina are African-American Magesmiths, with a unique magical bloodline trying to find their place from their hometown in Louisiana.


Trying to write the last one is hard because I lack more information, you don't even state directly if they are siblings, cousins, step siblings, extended family, adopted.
Overall the version you asked for an opinion on, you seem to be listing facts, you aren't building a cause and effect. It's probably fine for the start of a novel, but the more everything feels connected, the more interesting it could be to people.

Whatever magesmith ninjitsu thing you have would be great to expand on, maybe some part of them leaving the city you decided to name as their hometown or any amount of worldbuilding like a clan living there or some other information.

I figured I'd spitball how I might write the synopsis so don't go thinking I'm right on any of this, I don't have half the backstory/details, the sentences in general can be mixed better instead of relying on a list of independent clauses.

So, can I mention the villain?

I did mention that Joss and Elijah are brother and sister.

As a reader, I wouldn't read the story based on the synopsis here (speaking overall and as-written). I'm intrigued, but the synopsis is a bit all over the place and makes it tough to really get invested. There's a squandered hook in the setting and presence of the dungeons (that admittedly did catch my interest) because there aren't any clear stakes involved that I can see alongside its delivery.

The character introductions are also out-of-place and feel more like info-dumps and checklists of traits, without anything to really get me invested in the characters or their struggles, which is a necessity in a good synopsis. Rather than introductions to the characters like those, I'd suggest picking one, maybe two, and devoting the synopsis to them and their struggles to deliver the opening character hook, and get the prospective reader caring about them.

To that end, I have a few questions that could (hopefully) help you point the story where you want it to go, but before I get to that, I'd like to address this bit.

Very good. You set the time period and setting genre (urban fantasy circa 1977 in the south-eastern / southern United States) quickly, and also set the tone and direction (adventure, leaning dungeon-crawls) for the story smoothly and it is what definitely caught my interest, but rather than abbreviate things here, I'd suggest spelling out what the R.G.A. is, or more accurately, what the acronym stands for, and the tone of what the organization, and the guilds, represent in your setting alongside how they matter to the protagonist/PoV character(s). Given the era though, that is a very distinct cultural snapshot and does wonders to set the tone for the story without wasting too much time doing so.

There's only one minor inconsistency that I picked up on in this bit. In the opening sentence, you specify the dungeons appeared throughout America, but at the end, state the 'grand prize' has been one located in the Black Sea (in Western Europe, geographically speaking). As an equally minor suggestion, I'd say to swap "America" with "the world" to indicate the global status, or put the dungeon in question somewhere in the USA rather than Europe, but this is a little detail. Do with it as you will. It's your story, and your setting.

Now, on to the questions, which are intended to help point you in a direction to hone your synopsis and get you really thinking about the story and the characters the synopsis is meant to pull readers into.
1) Who is the Point-of-View character?
2) Who is the Protagonist?
(They do not necessarily need to be the same character).
3) What are the stakes for the protagonist?
4) What happened in the immediate past before the story starts?
5) What are the stakes the protagonist is facing in the story's opening?
6) What is one immediate, major, challenge the protagonist will face during the story?
7) What is one immediate, dangerous, monster the characters will face (in a dungeon)?
8) Is Ethnicity/Race/Ancestry a major plot-point of your story?

For the last question, it pertains to the info-dump tone that their ethnicities have in the synopsis as-written.
If it isn't a major part of the story (even though it certainly was a major part of the history in the region, especially at that specific time period you picked), then you may want to save that for the in-line narrative and descriptions of the characters and to cut it from the synopsis.
On the contrary, if it IS a major part of the story (which again, makes perfect sense for the historical time period and location), then not only should it be included in the synopsis, but it could be reasonably focused on alongside the struggles the characters endured as a result.

That's something only you can decide, and whatever you decide, will inherently be the right choice for your story.

Lastly, this bit (which honestly is the weakest part of the synopsis in my opinion) really needs to be addressed.

The logistics of travelling "all over the world" in 1977 would be a nightmare [Passports, Funds, Paperwork, Questions and Attention], not to mention the amount of time it would take to meaningfully travel in that scope, especially if one character is only 11 years old at the time of having achieved that. I'd suggest narrowing the scope of the travel to the continental USA, which is a large-enough area to begin with, but isn't unreasonable in the era for a duo of siblings to manage to travel throughout over the course of a couple of years independently.

Now, the introduction of the threat, an unnamed brewing calamity that threatens the world is a massive-scale threat, and probably shouldn't be where characters start out, or what the synopsis drops as an opener, and is delivered fairly late. I'd recommend setting more immediate stakes. Something small that you can name (IE: The dungeon boss-monster of a local dungeon, or maybe the characters stumble on a mysterious artifact and get attacked by forces who are after said object) as the opening stakes and conflict before you move onto the world-ending threats later on in the narrative, and start the second paragraph of the synopsis on the character introduction and immediate stakes and threat.

So, again, I hope this helps you shape and hone your synopsis to what you want your story to be about, and as a parting side-note...
I really do like the setting. It screams film-noir style blended with The Dresden Files against a more modern-fantasy backdrop, and is definitely one that I'd be invested in if the stakes for the characters were clearer.

Hey, thx Mike!

1) Who is the Point-of-View character?
Answer: There will be 3 different POV's

2) Who is the Protagonist?
Answer: Elijah, Sage, and Joss

3) What are the stakes for the protagonist?
Answer: Even though Jim Crow has ended there will still be discrimination every once in awhile. It's kinda uncommon for people of color to be Magesmiths, normally that kind of power is controlled by the Elites of society.

4) What happened in the immediate past before the story starts?
Answer: I guess you could call this Alternative History. Before all the magic stuff everything was normal.

5) What are the stakes the protagonist is facing in the story's opening?
Answer: A personal crisis of self identity.

6) What is one immediate, major, challenge the protagonist will face during the story?
Answer: Each character will face their own hardships.

7) What is one immediate, dangerous, monster the characters will face (in a dungeon)?
Answer: Mythical monsters from dungeons and Critters which are mutated animals ( sometimes the dungeons can overload with aura and effect the environment )

8) Is Ethnicity/Race/Ancestry a major plot-point of your story?
Answer: It could be.

 

[Eldoria]

Well, try to narrate the question above into a complete synopsis containing the following elements:

Protagonist identities + main conflict + stakes + brief worldbuilding + threats/challenges.

Don't forget to include personal stakes in the narrative. If you need an example, please read the following thread:

[Help me] Determine Writing the Priority of Fiction Works Based on the Story's Premises

[Help me] Determine Writing the Priority of Fiction Works Based on the Story's Premises Well, I currently have five fictions in progress (or some on hiatus). I'd like to resume writing fiction. However, I realize my capacity is limited to handle all of them. So, I'm forced to prioritize my...

forum.scribblehub.com

 

[MFontana]

Okay, with three characters things might be difficult for the synopsis. Best advice I could offer is to introduce the one the story starts on in your synopsis. That character is the one who is most immediately relevant to the reader(s), so narrate their situation and struggles. You'll have time to do the real world-building in the narrative itself, so just the immediate time period, dungeon drop, and location would really matter for the synopsis. Well, with my best-guess anyway, and you nailed most of that in a couple of sentences already.

The only things I can suggest are those that I might do with the information, but El's already covered it clearly right here:

Well, try to narrate the question above into a complete synopsis containing the following elements:

[[Protagonist identities + main conflict + stakes + brief worldbuilding + threats/challenges.]]

Don't forget to include personal stakes in the narrative. If you need an example, please read the following thread:

[Help me] Determine Writing the Priority of Fiction Works Based on the Story's Premises

[Help me] Determine Writing the Priority of Fiction Works Based on the Story's Premises Well, I currently have five fictions in progress (or some on hiatus). I'd like to resume writing fiction. However, I realize my capacity is limited to handle all of them. So, I'm forced to prioritize my...

forum.scribblehub.com

So anything more that I'd offer would just be redundant.
Take the information you've got, and work it into what your story is about.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Once again, thx for all the advice!

 

[DismaiNaim]

What I just read sounds more like world building than a synopsis. You name three characters, but what do they want?

 

[SouthernMaiden]

It's me, Thorn.


Title: Scapegrace ( placeholder )


Synopsis:

It's 1977 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout America. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the R.G.A. But for centuries the grand prize has always been The Stone Kingdom located in the Black Sea.

23 year-old, Sage Cartwright is a white-passing teacher at an integrated Middle School in Chicago. As a member of high society she is expected to complete her social season as a debutante and find a husband.

21 year-old, Joss Adesina and 11 year-old Elijah Adesina are African-American Magesmiths from Louisiana. Magesmiths are people with unique magic systems and for them their bloodline is Ninjutsu.



After traveling across the USA the sister and brother go to Chicago to stake a claim on this whimsical and forgotten folklore. But a sinister calamity threatens to shake and break the world.

I'll echo what others are saying. Too much info dump. Although the setting does sound cool, its just a lot. You need to slim it down by at least 50 percent of the details.

Also, I would just say Black, instead of African american. I dont know anyone who says it anymore. Also, why note that their white passing in the synopsis? Not necessary, just put it in the chapter.

 

[JHarp]

I did mention that Joss and Elijah are brother and sister.

The strange thing is that I missed that part which is my fault, but it also proves a different point/error in the writing. I noticed it after only when FRWriter mentioned it.

The spacing you accidentally used, possibly just inheriting formatting from where you were pasting it from.
The part about the brother and sister is spaced extremely far from the rest of the text and blended into the image below.

Seems like people are better articulating some feedback now, so I hope things are going better.

So, can I mention the villain?

Funnily enough, this would be one of the types of hook people are talking about, what force is acting upon the characters. Why do they meet, why can they not just avoid it. What upends their life, their discovery or event, threat or deadline.
I don't believe much of what you wrote, besides explaining who the characters are, forces them to leave their hometowns.

You mention the stone kingdom, possibly under the intent for it to be a hook, but a goal object isn't a hook, looking at you One Piece.
If it exists in legend and isn't in a crisis, it isn't a hook, if it isn't under a time sensitive goal or someones life depends on it, then it isn't a hook.
Solo levelling having the hook of 'mother needs drug from dungeon to live again' and it works as an initial stake, even if the results might feel a bit lackluster once the episode hits that point.


One piece cheats by making their 'object' be part of 'the new era' and Luffy the MC declaring themselves a criminal and a bunch of other stuff they can't take back.
Whereas your Stone Kingdom is somewhat a passive object as it was written originally, that would be why it can read as info-dumping, because it is functionally a static object with low threat. If people sat on their hands for a decade, it'd still be sat there.

Indiana Jones doesn't worry that whatever new relic he is finding will walk away, but the evil groups of people who conveniently happen to also be looking and finding that exact object and the resulting problems from them having one more dusty relic in their collection.
As stupid as some magic alien skull is for the plot, it only mattered; it was only a threat when the evil people were trying to find it. People cared less about whatever blood ritual summoned a crystal alien, and more about other components of the plot.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

The strange thing is that I missed that part which is my fault, but it also proves a different point/error in the writing. I noticed it after only when FRWriter mentioned it.

The spacing you accidentally used, possibly just inheriting formatting from where you were pasting it from.
The part about the brother and sister is spaced extremely far from the rest of the text and blended into the image below.

Seems like people are better articulating some feedback now, so I hope things are going better.



Funnily enough, this would be one of the types of hook people are talking about, what force is acting upon the characters. Why do they meet, why can they not just avoid it. What upends their life, their discovery or event, threat or deadline.
I don't believe much of what you wrote, besides explaining who the characters are, forces them to leave their hometowns.

You mention the stone kingdom, possibly under the intent for it to be a hook, but a goal object isn't a hook, looking at you One Piece.
If it exists in legend and isn't in a crisis, it isn't a hook, if it isn't under a time sensitive goal or someones life depends on it, then it isn't a hook.
Solo levelling having the hook of 'mother needs drug from dungeon to live again' and it works as an initial stake, even if the results might feel a bit lackluster once the episode hits that point.


One piece cheats by making their 'object' be part of 'the new era' and Luffy the MC declaring themselves a criminal and a bunch of other stuff they can't take back.
Whereas your Stone Kingdom is somewhat a passive object as it was written originally, that would be why it can read as info-dumping, because it is functionally a static object with low threat. If people sat on their hands for a decade, it'd still be sat there.

Indiana Jones doesn't worry that whatever new relic he is finding will walk away, but the evil groups of people who conveniently happen to also be looking and finding that exact object and the resulting problems from them having one more dusty relic in their collection.
As stupid as some magic alien skull is for the plot, it only mattered; it was only a threat when the evil people were trying to find it. People cared less about whatever blood ritual summoned a crystal alien, and more about other components of the plot.

Thx, Harp!

Ngl, all of you are pretty great at giving advice.

So, I'll mention the Villain.
And I'll mention the goals of the main characters.

Can I mention the stone key that hidden inside one of the many dungeons across America?

This is a new Webnovel I'm working since I kinda have a rough draft in my mind. All this advice is awesome and I'm definitely gonna use it.

I'll probably post some chapters in April

What I just read sounds more like world building than a synopsis. You name three characters, but what do they want?

Thank you, very helpful!