K_Jira
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- Oct 27, 2021
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As someone who also roots my writing from translated novels (mainly danmei), here is my take (I can't really explain it, so I fixed the writing in my style. Of course, it might not be objectively correct/better either):
First one:
Inside the grand library of Ravenshade mansion, a young boy sat leisurely in his chair, overlooking a tree outside the window.
Sunlight cascaded over his jet black hair, long enough to cover his ashen grey eyes. His body was taller than most eight years old, enough for people to mistake him being ten. His frame had gained a faint hint of muscle, and his face now carried a trace of maturity that made his detached expression seem less out of place.
Adrian raised his hand and aimed a flick towards the tree. Mana gathered at the tip of his hand, twisting and forming intricate patterns before condensiong into an apple-sized orb. Countless stars shone within itself, as if it containee a fragment of the night.
(The information that Adrian is the first son of the Ravenshade Family should be told/showed more naturally instead of simply dumping it in. For example, there is a certain thing he must do and you can write 'As the first son of the Ravenshade Family, it was expected of Adrian to bla bla bla...' or other means. Try blending it into the narrative.)
The third one:
Liora’s life while working at Ravenshade mansion was easier compared to other servants. She didn’t have to run around all day, didn't receive too many orders, nor get punished when she made mistakes.
Why? Because she was the personal maid of Young Master Adrian.
Young Master Adrian had been unusual from birth. He didn’t show any expression most of the time, didn’t speak unless he needed to, and didn’t show interest in things most children his age would be interested in.
He didn’t give any orders unless necessary. To be exact, he never spoke to her beyond that. He did most things by himself, which was unusual since most nobles and their family members had a habit of asking the servants to do even the smallest task.
‘Maybe that’s how geniuses are, even during their childhood.’ Liora thought.
She was happy and proud to be the personal maid of such a person. She couldn’t ask for more as a maid working at the Ravenshade Mansion.
So she performed the tasks she was given with utmost diligence and made sure that she made no mistake. Not because Young Master Adrian would yell at her if she did—he never even raised his voice at her. But because she wanted to be a maid he could be proud of as well.
The last thing she hoped for was for Young Master Adrian to replace her.
(The last bit is a bit of my own creative freedom haha. Ignore it if it doesn't fit the narrative. Either way, compared to the first one, your writing on this one is already better and I only did small fixes here and there.)
For the second one is basically info dumping and I've never written in first POV before, so I can't give my opinion on it.
Hopefully, this helps ?
First one:
Inside the grand library of Ravenshade mansion, a young boy sat leisurely in his chair, overlooking a tree outside the window.
Sunlight cascaded over his jet black hair, long enough to cover his ashen grey eyes. His body was taller than most eight years old, enough for people to mistake him being ten. His frame had gained a faint hint of muscle, and his face now carried a trace of maturity that made his detached expression seem less out of place.
Adrian raised his hand and aimed a flick towards the tree. Mana gathered at the tip of his hand, twisting and forming intricate patterns before condensiong into an apple-sized orb. Countless stars shone within itself, as if it containee a fragment of the night.
(The information that Adrian is the first son of the Ravenshade Family should be told/showed more naturally instead of simply dumping it in. For example, there is a certain thing he must do and you can write 'As the first son of the Ravenshade Family, it was expected of Adrian to bla bla bla...' or other means. Try blending it into the narrative.)
The third one:
Liora’s life while working at Ravenshade mansion was easier compared to other servants. She didn’t have to run around all day, didn't receive too many orders, nor get punished when she made mistakes.
Why? Because she was the personal maid of Young Master Adrian.
Young Master Adrian had been unusual from birth. He didn’t show any expression most of the time, didn’t speak unless he needed to, and didn’t show interest in things most children his age would be interested in.
He didn’t give any orders unless necessary. To be exact, he never spoke to her beyond that. He did most things by himself, which was unusual since most nobles and their family members had a habit of asking the servants to do even the smallest task.
‘Maybe that’s how geniuses are, even during their childhood.’ Liora thought.
She was happy and proud to be the personal maid of such a person. She couldn’t ask for more as a maid working at the Ravenshade Mansion.
So she performed the tasks she was given with utmost diligence and made sure that she made no mistake. Not because Young Master Adrian would yell at her if she did—he never even raised his voice at her. But because she wanted to be a maid he could be proud of as well.
The last thing she hoped for was for Young Master Adrian to replace her.
(The last bit is a bit of my own creative freedom haha. Ignore it if it doesn't fit the narrative. Either way, compared to the first one, your writing on this one is already better and I only did small fixes here and there.)
For the second one is basically info dumping and I've never written in first POV before, so I can't give my opinion on it.
Hopefully, this helps ?